Tears Tears and more Tears

[WithoutHer]

I know 4 weeks after losing Vickie is still a short period but the grief becomes so overwhelming doing this alone in an empty house. The pets are here and I would be totally bonkers without them. But the love of my life is gone and not coming back. Once I retired each day of life revolved around her. Why did she have to become so I'll when we had both found the happiest time of our lives. The hardest part is there's no good answer to these questions. I'm now supposed to take care of myself and I can't even relate to who I am without her.

[RichS]

7 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

The hardest part is there's no good answer to these questions.

I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I lost my wife of 42 years 7 months ago. We've lived in our house for 26 years and yet every day since she's been gone, it seems so empty without her (and I have my son and uncle living with me). My cat is a blessing. Like most pets, he gives me unconditional love. I'm depressed, but functioning. Living one day at a time is my new normal. All this being said, I've recently been thinking that though I've lost her, I was blessed with her for 42 years. I'm kindly reminded that I have lots of friends and relatives my age who have gone through life single. One of them is a millionaire and yet is a very lonely person. 

I guess the old saying, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is very personal to me. I have a friend who is a grief counselor. I've known him for 45 years. Yes, he is helping me through my loss, but the story doesn't end there. He was the reason why I picked up the phone in 1978 and asked my wife out. He knew I liked her; so lied to me that she broke up with her boyfriend (they were on their way to breaking up, but that's a story for another day). Had he not done that, left up to me, there was a good chance that I would have ended up like my single friends and relatives as they are today (minus the $million). Though I'm devastated about my loss, my gain is that I was able to love and be loved by her for most of my life. Although my single friends and relatives have not LOST, they have not GAINED either; and that is the reason why that old saying rings so true to me, even in my sorrow. By the way, if you'd have asked me 45 years ago if I believed in that saying, I would have said DEFINITELY NOT!

So I think we should both use this board as our life raft (as Lost Thomas refers to it) to get through each day. There are lots of caring people here. Like Gator M, I pray that God give you and all of us on this board who are grieving, the strength to move forward with our lives. Part of moving forward is the hope that all of us will get to be with all of our loved ones in heaven some day.

[WithoutHer]

Thomas thank you for all those thoughts. Our major difference is I can talk about it but not without tears. I can't talk even about our good times without them. She was I'll yes when she went to the hospital but I expected her to come home. Obviously she didn't and those are two hours of my life that can't be forgotten. I am doing this one day at a time like everyone suggests but like you know doing it all alone is extremely difficult. I come here and read often. It's still only so much help to see so many others having the same experience. I am empathetic to everyone but also stuck with my own pain. Like so many I'm still stuck in that loop of wanting to turn and talk with her and she's not there.  

I know you understand every bit of this and I hope I can improve with each day. I've taken your advice and not touched any of her stuff yet or anything that reminds of her. That will come in small doses over time.

[RichS]

13 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I can talk about it but not without tears. I can't talk even about our good times without them

Tears are a part of our grief and a form of venting. It's healthy in the sense that we are expressing our true feelings and not bottling them up inside of us, which is unhealthy. I'm in my 7th month and don't cry as much as I did in the beginning. The feelings are still there. I'm just expressing them a little differently. BUT THAT'S ME......................

Try not to be self-conscious about crying. We all do I more than we care to admit it. It's normal..................

[movingon]

@WithoutHerbeing here with this group, talking and reading and pouring out all your emotions , you will over time slowly see a change in how you carry your grief. It does evolve, Its only been 2.5 months for me but when I look back I can see the difference. I remember very distinctly how I was that night several days after my husband passed when I found this group and joined. I don't know how to properly explain the difference from that night to today in my feelings...imagine falling into deep water and panicking and flailing your arms and legs and ...then as the realization of the possibility of drowning starts to sink in..you become calmer...your panic eases....you relax your body somewhat and you are now floating and treading water, gently though, you are still in danger, but you are somehow surviving. 

[WithoutHer]

@maudThat's good description of how it feels. For now to ease that panic feeling I go to bed and try to sleep it off. That's how I tread water.

[movingon]

@WithoutHerThat is my absolute favorite time of day nowadays...going to bed early, reading until my eyes are tired and sleeping a good sleep. I also have 2 dogs and I feel the same way...thank God I have them, they have been my only comfort.

[WithoutHer]

@maudI'll go bed any hour of the day as I am now. When I do the dog and both cats go with me and are with me now. I can tell they had their grieving also. For the first few weeks they would spend time in Vickie's chair. You could tell they were wondering where their mom was.

[KayC]

When my friend Iris lost her husband Mike Feb. 4th, their dog Jazzy would lay under his desk...it was so sad to see her grieving, she still is but it's not as hard hitting now as it was at first.  My dog Kodie was amazing with her, persisting to engage her, sometimes it'd work, sometimes not, but he never gave up trying, and would just "hang out" when that's all she wanted.  We can learn so much from our animals.  Plus they're amazing comforts.

[Gail 8588]

My husband's work required him to travel quite a bit. A few times he was stationed in another city and would not be home for several months at a time. Our dog got used to his being absent for long stretches and his eventual return. 

When John died, our dog looked for dad's return everyday.  One evening about 4 months later, our son came home (driving dad's car).  This son is the same size and shape as my husband.  The dog was so excited to see dad pull into the drive. The dog was wiggling inside out with happiness. I opened the door for the dog to go out and he bounded towards the figure. When he got about 10 feet away, he realized his mistake and he just collapsed in the yard. I know he was broken hearted.  My son felt so bad for him. Me too. 

Two months later we moved out of the only house that dog had ever lived in.  He knew dad was never coming home. 

He was a great comfort to me for several more years. 

Gail

[WithoutHer]

@Gator M Please be patient with the cat. Believe it or not she is missing her mom as much as you are. You are the only comfort she knows now. I have one cat who slept on Vickie's legs every time after spending some time intentionally irritating her. When Vickie passed she slept in her chair and you could tell she would look for her in places she would usually be. Now she sleeps with me and unlike the other critters which just pick a spot she is curled up against me side or laying her head across my legs. Be tolerant if you can. Her world had a change she doesn't understand.

[RichS]

Our cat could sleep in my lap for hours (day or night). I finally had to get a heavy small blanket to throw over my legs, or else I'd feel like my legs were getting ACCUPUNCTURED!

[WithoutHer]

@RichS Rich you just weren't soft enough.😉

[KayC]

The animals we had when George died have long since been gone...Tigger ran away after seeing George wasn't coming home.  Never saw him again.  King George died a year after my George did.  Lucky went through grief and died three years after my George did.  Poor little girl (dog).  It's so hard on them.

[RichS]

Kay:   Lately I've been wondering why God didn't give most animals the same lifespan as humans. Another mystery of life, unsolved......................

[I miss you so much]

7 months for me. My daily routine starts each day when I finish sleeping and awake in this nonsense, this nightmare and there are tears.

Then, when I get the force to wake up, the day passes, so long days, so many hours...It didn't feel like that before, the days passed so quickly.

I start feeling as he has been a dream, not real. And at the same time, he isn't in my dreams.

So many doubts, so many regrets...and I'll never get the answers. How could I be so stupid, so vain, believing that in future things would be better for us, and we didn't live our present, full of problems, just talking about how wonderful our future will be, and our present is no more than a past, or a dream, now. Tears.

Tears in the middle of the street, I don't care, because I'll never hear his voice again, I could never take him in my arms again, or caress his hair so smooth. I'll never feel again the touch of his hand in my hand.

Immortality of souls? This has made me discover how materialistic I am , my big attachment to the EGO, wanting to be just who I am, this weak body with mind and human emotions, not an immortal and fulfilled soul, I just want to be me, and I just want him to be him, not another immortal and fulfilled soul. I want him with his fears, his doubts, his moments of anger, his tender sense of humour, his curiosity for learning, his sweet heart.

And all of this is gone, just the pain is left. And tears.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, RichS said:

Kay:   Lately I've been wondering why God didn't give most animals the same lifespan as humans. Another mystery of life, unsolved......................

Maybe because it'd leave too many of them uncared for?  Still, I wish it could be longer than it is.

18 hours ago, I miss you so much said:

7 months for me.

One of the hardest times on our journey...you will get through this even as we all do, but my heart goes out to you, for everything you wrote in your post...

Six Month Mark
Separate post: Six Month Mark

[LMR]

On 3/15/2023 at 5:09 PM, I miss you so much said:

 

Tears in the middle of the street, I don't care, because I'll never hear his voice again, I could never take him in my arms again, or caress his hair so smooth. I'll never feel again the touch of his hand in my hand.

Immortality of souls? This has made me discover how materialistic I am , my big attachment to the EGO, wanting to be just who I am, this weak body with mind and human emotions, not an immortal and fulfilled soul, I just want to be me, and I just want him to be him, not another immortal and fulfilled soul. I want him with his fears, his doubts, his moments of anger, his tender sense of humour, his curiosity for learning, his sweet heart.

And all of this is gone, just the pain is left. And tears.

Beautifully put. This is how I feel. The idea of an immortal spirit is only a slight consolation. I want to touch him and hold his hand the way I have for 47 years!