How will I go on.

[Sheila M]

It’s not really a question. But a statement of fact. How will I go on. How can I do all of the things in life that we always did together. Which, was everything. Everyday we spent together. When we were younger, we worked together. When we retired, we shared every moment. Yesterday was the 50th day since my husband died. Since then I have cried harder than I knew possible. I have his photos around and I hold them and kiss them. Then I cry harder. I think of our good times and what a great life we had. My family and friends keep telling me that the memories will bring me comfort. All they really seem to do is make me sad. Sad that I won’t make any more with him. Sad that he went so fast and I can’t even remember if I truly said everything I want to say to him now. Sad. Just truly sad. Devastated. 
I have better moments. Friends and family are wonderful. But I spend time with them and my husband is at the forefront of my mind. They talk and it is like listening to a slow motion recording. I hear is words but my mind doesn’t totally comprehend the thoughts behind them. They mean well and are so giving. But it’s not enough. It will never be enough. The only thing that feels enough is if I can be with him again. I beg God to come get me. I beg my husband to come get me. I question if it’s all real and is there really an afterlife. Will we be together again. Or is it all really over and that’s it. I want to believe in heaven. I always have my entire life. But now. Now I’m so desperate to think it’s real but suddenly I want a guarantee. And there isn’t one. I continued to Hope. I talk to my husband all of the time. I tell him thoughts. I let him know how much I love him. 
I don’t want to leave our house. Yet it feels so empty. I do like when I have to run to the post office or some random errand. But I hate to come home. It’s now just a house. Not a home. It’s empty. The love feels gone. It only exists within me. And I can be anywhere. But I want to be home. The conflict of liking to be gone yet wanting to be home is maddening. It hurts. My entire being hurts. Will it ever feel better. How will I go on. 
Thank you for letting me ramble. My brain thinks in a fog. I guess that’s that’s not unusual. Or all bad. Love to all of you that relate to this or have been here. It is awful. 

 

[WithoutHer]

I was going to make a post today on my own loss today but yours is the second one that stopped me. I stopped because I can relate to every word you said. There's one difference, unlike you I am in this alone. You have family and friends and need to feel thankful for that much.  I am 4 weeks in since that terrible day and not one has passed without tears. We came together after each us had terrible marriages. We were perfect for each other and 11 of the best years of our lives together. She had health issues all along but her heart finally had enough and no more surgeries were going to help her. That last day will never leave my memory.

My point is it's very hard for all of us here. You and I are part of the more recent ones here. This grieving is different for all of us but I believe the pain is the same. There are those beyond my experience here who will tell you it takes time but it will get easier to get through the days. 

Like I said you do have the advantage of friends and family. I know from reading here they are not always a big help but if any of them you can share your feelings with the  do that tears and all. Don't push them away.

There are a lot of understanding people here. Read their stories and replies and don't be afraid to share with them.

 

[Sheila M]

Gator, heartfelt prayers for you too. I completely relate to your feelings. My husband was my soulmate and best friend. And I just want to be done with all of this. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I have no will to keep going. I see no point. The purpose is gone. It seems we are in the same frame of mind. I pray something brings us peace. 

[Sheila M]

27 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I was going to make a post today on my own loss today but yours is the second one that stopped me. I stopped because I can relate to every word you said. There's one difference, unlike you I am in this alone. You have family and friends and need to feel thankful for that much.  I am 4 weeks in since that terrible day and not one has passed without tears. We came together after each us had terrible marriages. We were perfect for each other and 11 of the best years of our lives together. She had health issues all along but her heart finally had enough and no more surgeries were going to help her. That last day will never leave my memory.

My point is it's very hard for all of us here. You and I are part of the more recent ones here. This grieving is different for all of us but I believe the pain is the same. There are those beyond my experience here who will tell you it takes time but it will get easier to get through the days. 

Like I said you do have the advantage of friends and family. I know from reading here they are not always a big help but if any of them you can share your feelings with the  do that tears and all. Don't push them away.

There are a lot of understanding people here. Read their stories and replies and don't be afraid to share with them.

 

Thank you. I won’t push them away. They are wonderful. It’s just that at this point, there is no help it seems. I hope it’s true that time will help. It’s impossible to imagine time down the road without my love. What’s the purpose of anything? Why do anything? I will try. One hour at a time. 
I’m very grateful for everyone in here. Reading at GE stories and sharing their pain I know I’m not alone. You are not either. Please reach out. 

[WithoutHer]

We are not alone. I have the exact same feelings. I'm retired and now alone. We have pets to care for and I've said if it wasn't for them I'd go nuts. Other than them my days feel without purpose. There's that big hole in the heart that cannot be filled. We long to have our loved ones back and life's brutal truth denies us. 

[RichS]

Shiela M :  If I made a checklist of all the points you made about your feelings, ALL THE BOXES WOULD BE CHECKED.

I see that some of our wonderful board members have already responded to you. That is what is so special about this board. All of us are grieving together, yet in our own unique way and at our own pace. Please continue to post on this board. All of us sympathize. We care. We are here to listen. We are here to offer kind advice when we can. And all of us are not only givers of these things, but we are also takers as well; when we're having a bad day or when we find it difficult to grieve alone. Someone is always here for you and for us.

As Gator M said, pray to God for strength. I do that every day and my loss was 7 months ago. God has given me the strength to hang in there. He will do the same for you.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Sheila M said:

How will I go on.

One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. I figure I did well to get up and dressed and eat something, drink some water, it was hard.  My daughter stayed with me for a while, I don't think I could have made it without her but she eventually went back to her life and it was tough.  I'm glad you found this site, welcome here!

It helps to read/post and learn you aren't totally alone, there's someone else that gets it and understands.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.