Why I avoid going out on weekends...

[DWS]

I made a pact with myself quite a few years ago to take care of things during the week so I didn't have to go anywhere on weekends. I don't like the lineups in stores and trying to get down crowded aisles but mostly, it's the busy traffic with lots of assholes needing to prove they can beat the rest of us to the next red light. 

But yesterday, I wanted to get going on the next stage of the work I've been doing in my grungy old basement. This is a huge project that I've taken on to deal with the loneliness and emptiness since the loss of my partner Tom. My grief therapist equates it to the work we need to do in grief at starting things from the base and then rebuild from there. I'm liking that comparison. Anyway, Lowe's seem to be the place that had what I needed so I hemmed and hawed. "Should I go today? If I go today, I can then work on it tomorrow...but ugh, I have to go out on a Saturday!"

It was close to 5pm. I figured most people would be back in their homes so off I went. I was right that the streets were a little less chaotic and Lowe's was not too busy but I couldn't help notice that everyone there was walking with someone. Everywhere I turned, it was couples. It was so hard for me not to see it. I could feel my heavy heart coming on. I couldn't find what I was needing so I hurried out of there. Ahead of me going out the exit were two young-ish women chatting. One of them pointed to some deck chairs and remarked that she would be buying a few this year to put around the firepit. I assumed it was two friends that were out shopping and browsing in the midst of their busy lives building homes for their families. 

On my drive home, practically every car I drove by, there were at least two occupants....likely many of them going out for dinner. By this time, it was nearing 6pm. Parking lots for restaurants were packed. Life going on in the world that I used to know.  No more venturing out on weekends!

[RichS]

DWS---You made an exception this time, but it was for a good cause.

2 hours ago, DWS said:

My grief therapist equates it to the work we need to do in grief at starting things from the base and then rebuild from there. I'm liking that comparison.

DWS--You made an exception this time, but it was for a good cause. Now you can focus on that project at your own pace; which should keep you busy all during the week. Who knows? Maybe you'll find enough things to have a garage sale (the social interaction might be helpful) or list them on Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace. You never know what "junk" is other peoples treasures.

[KayC]

One hurdle faced, with each one that passes we are processing our grief.  I managed to lose my debit card at Costco yesterday, tried reporting it last night but have to call my bank back today. My standard time brain is in gear apparently, wish they'd leave the time alone.  I'm sorry it hurts so much to face the couples out and about, you know it still hits me after all this time when I see a guy bagging groceries while his wife pays, that was me and George at one time.  We were a team...until we weren't.

(((hugs)))

[RichS]

Lately, I've noticed that I've been keeping more busy at home than I should be. Yes, I do go out grocery shopping, to doctors appointments and run errands. Occasionally even some fun stuff. Then there are times when I just like to be by myself in my upstairs office doing things. I consider myself an outgoing person; yet lately I've been enjoying whatever peace and quiet I can get. I also notice that sometimes I don't feel like having lengthy phone conversations with friends and relatives. I'll call them when I feel up to it.

When Chris was alive she noticed some of these behaviors in me, yet she understood that I was trying to handle anticipatory grief in my own way. Those were the last couple of years when she was really struggling with her health and I couldn't do too much except try to tend to help her where I could. Now I'm just going through grief, period.

[KayC]

Living in the country as I do, with 50 miles to the grocery store, and 60 miles to get gas at Costco, I only make the drive once every 2-3 weeks, so food has to last in between.  The plus side to that is not seeing couples as often.  But everywhere I look they are, including all my neighbors and church.  I feel alone in a couples world...and this has gone on nearly 18 years!

[Carol34]

On 3/12/2023 at 12:32 PM, DWS said:

 I couldn't help notice that everyone there was walking with someone. Everywhere I turned, it was couples. It was so hard for me not to see it. I could feel my heavy heart coming on. I couldn't find what I was needing so I hurried out of there. Ahead of me going out the exit were two young-ish women chatting. One of them pointed to some deck chairs and remarked that she would be buying a few this year to put around the firepit. I assumed it was two friends that were out shopping and browsing in the midst of their busy lives building homes for their families. 

On my drive home, practically every car I drove by, there were at least two occupants....likely many of them going out for dinner. By this time, it was nearing 6pm. Parking lots for restaurants were packed. Life going on in the world that I used to know.  No more venturing out on weekends!

Weekends are hard!  I too have avoided going anywhere on weekends.  Occasionally, someone will say to me, "We should go to dinner sometime."  And I always reply that Wednesdays and Thursdays are good for me.  I do not want to go out...especially with a couple...on a weekend evening, and see couples all around me.  In my heart, I know they have every reason to be happy.  I used to be half of one those couple that other grieving people looked at, the way I look at them now.   But now all I feel is jealousy.

So, I grocery shop early in the mornings, and spend the rest of my time in my house, where I can turn off the commercials for engagement rings, romantic resort vacations, etc., so I don't have to look at the happy couples.  Is it healthy?  Probably not, but right now, I don't care.  While life goes on for others, mine was ripped from me.  And almost 18 months later, I'm still raw...still angry...still depressed.  And if staying home makes me feel better than watching people pick out their groceries together, that's my business.

All of that said, in a couple of months my granddaughter's softball season will start up again.  I'll be heading to the ballpark to watch her.  And I'll be surrounded by couples again.  It was hard last year, but I  didn't say anything to my family about how hard it was.  I'm there to support her.  But even with softball, the weekends are hard.  The crowds are smaller during the week, probably because people have to work.  But the weekend games are crowded.  And that's when the grandparents usually go.  Seeing couples that are 10-20 years older than me, makes me feel cheated.  And every time one of kids yells, "Paw-Paw! Did you see me get a hit?" I just want to cry!  But, I'll go to every game. 

[KayC]

I hear you, for me it was evenings and weekends...now that I'm retired and have lived alone nearly 18 years, every days is the same...