Delete This Please

[LostThomas]

Tried to delete no option provided.

 

 

 

 

[RichS]

"But do we think about an unlocked gate when caring is involved, or do we jump over it just assuming it is locked?   The result we need depends on not only how we care, but that we do it." 

I think that in order to care for others, we have to care for ourselves first; or else we would be of no use to those who need us in their lives. That is the KEY TO UNLOCK THE GATE............Would you trust a drunk driver to drive you home if you were drunk yourself? Would you ask a person on crutches to pull you out of a ditch? In both cases, of course not.

As a caregiver, I have to know my limitations of what I can and cannot do with my life. In my case, I need to have a full or partial right knee replacement. I can't do that right now. If I did there would be no one to drive my son and uncle to buy groceries, keep doctor's appointments, etc. for several weeks. I don't have any close relatives living nearby and I can't expect my neighbors to be available at the exact time I need them. There are millions of people like us. We can't just "JUMP OVER THE FENCE" and neglect our responsibilities towards those who need us. We have to make sacrifices, which in itself, is a form of love. When you think about it, where would  we be in our lives today (economically, spiritually, etc.) if others in the past did not sacrifice and take care of us when we needed them?  Hopefully, I didn't veer off topic on this one.

[DWS]

Regarding Megan's new video, I get the impression that the meaningless things she's referring to lie more within the materialistic realm as well as life decisions...life happenings. "Do the bathroom towels match the decor?"..."What wine do they say goes with tonight's dinner?"...."So and so at work always leaves five minutes early than they're supposed to"....those types of things.

For beliefs like civil rights, healthcare, earth care, etc,  if these things were significant passions before your loss, I can only see them being as significant now and perhaps, moreso in the future. These are the things in the core of you. They certainly are with me and I can't say that those issues have sunk to any non-caring on my part during any part of this past year. It would be true that I haven't had the strength to do battle over this time of my loss....but admittedly, I never did have much of a loud voice before and the chutzpah to get out there and fight for these things that I so strongly believe in. Thankfully, the internet helped me along in getting my take on things heard but will this grief journey give me more power in that regard? The few passionate outbursts that I've had while chatting with friends and family signals to me that, likely, the answer is yes. 

The self-care that I adopted was vital...and maybe not just for mere survival but perhaps for something more meaningful on the road ahead. I'm putting my trust in it. 

[KayC]

I don't remember saying that and can't find it but it must have stuck with you, it does sound like me though as I've always been upfront and straightforward with people.  It's true, I lay the groundwork out for people...I don't leave them wondering how I feel, whether it be a doctor or a friend.

Thomas, you've led quite a life.  I'm also a cause fighter, although not to the degree you are, not those causes in particular, more subtle ones perhaps.  Standing up for what I feel is right.  Like the autistic young man that likes to walk in our neighborhood...a neighbor complained to his caregiver and he wasn't "allowed" to walk down that way...I walked with him...he's a "furry" which I didn't know much about, but learned.  I imagine he feels ostracized in our community, not known for its diversity.  But I helped him feel accepted as he is.  Whether I understand or relate is besides the point.  Haven't seen him much since the snows these past two months, it's quite treacherous out therre!

[RichS]

10 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

You make an enormous difference in the lives of so many people. 

Kay-----------------AMEN TO THAT!!!!!!

[RichS]

4 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

I know I can't open that gate today, but I know I'm going to have to fight with everything I've got...because I have to.  I won't be weak in it...if I can figure out 'how

Thomas:  I just thought of this topic myself this morning and your quote sounds the way I feel these days. Maybe care taking is what I need to do for the rest of my life, maybe more than that. To quote an old Beach Boys classic (I'm a big fan of their music), "God Only Knows!"

[DWS]

2 hours ago, LostThomas said:

 I know I can't open that gate today, but I know I'm going to have to fight with everything I've got...because I have to.  I won't be weak in it...if I can figure out 'how'.

That's where the challenge lies...in honouring and understanding that our self-care comes first before whatever it is we think comes next. I looked at this immediate loss in my life as having been hit by a fast-moving bus which left me in a full body cast. There's not much one can do in that condition except lay low and trust that we'll slowly heal. The outside world moved on but I was and still am left devastated and despite that world believing that I should be moving on with it, I've taken on a "screw that...I still hurt" stance which can be looked at as part of my self-care....trusting whatever is taking place inside my poor, addled mind during this time.

The many many walks that Tom and I enjoyed over our years together reign solid in my memory. Walking along those familiar paths now on my own is still my struggle. About three months into my grief, I told my therapist about this idea that I had about organizing walks with other grievers...a "grief walk".  I liked the idea of inviting that type of companionship. She thought it was a great idea and we discussed it back then...but eventually, I realized that placing myself under that kind of pressure was something I need to put on the back burner while I continue to process my loss. She never brought it up again in our sessions likely knowing that within our states of mind, we come up with these types of things as tactics to battle grief. Our valiant effort to help the world but first, we need to hold trust in our own self-care. 

So interestingly, my therapist indirectly mentioned the walks in our last session during our lengthy discussion about how much more is needed in our community to help those dealing with grief.  Whether it was intentional or not, she included "walks" in a list of things that she and her colleagues have been looking at. So if I'm understanding your topic of "how" and "what",  I think my idea of organizing these walks is likely my "what" at this point....just like I had thought last year....but the "how"  first relied on focusing on my immediate needs before delving into this pursuit. I'll be bringing the idea up again with her in my next grief session. 

 

[movingon]

2 hours ago, LostThomas said:

This is when I first began to think about the acceptance of 'a changed life'.   I am still thinking about this.  I do see it as the eventual way forward for me and I now believe that I just know the purpose of my life, and I will have to pursue it because I believe in that purpose.  

That feels so good to read Thomas! and when you're ready to pursue it, you will go full force because you have always had the intense passion and commitment. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, RichS said:

To quote an old Beach Boys classic (I'm a big fan of their music), "God Only Knows!"

Oh yes! And who'd have thought they'd have outlived the Beetles, but they did!