I never understood how crippling grief could be...

[DancesWithWolves]

I lost Ray 4 weeks ago yesterday and I am still trying to remember to eat, still trying to remember how to sleep, still trying to find a smile for those around me.  We weren't perfect, but we loved hard. Every morning he let me know that I was the first thing on his mind and every night we couldn't hold each other, we made sure we were the last thought each other had.  Time isn't helping fill this void in my world.

He died from a violent hemorrhage after finishing chemo/radiation a few weeks prior. It wasn't expected. He was sick and in pain, but he was supposed to get better and we fought hard to make it happen. 

I have felt so much pressure to "be okay" and get "back to normal." His sister even told me I just needed to have a "good cry" and I would feel better. I have felt so alone, but I don't understand what is happening to me, so I guess I shouldn't expect others to understand either.

After not being able to function at all for about 12 hours yesterday, I figured I should look for help. I am here to learn and I hope that I can one day provide help to someone facing the unthinkable.  For now, surviving is my goal. I just don't know what that looks like anymore.

[Gail 8588]

Danceswithwolves,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is life shattering to lose your soulmate whether expected or not, after decades together or just beginning your time together.  That incredible emotional connection that is made with the person who really gets you, and loves you flaws and all.  When that person is taken from you, it feels like your life is over too. 

We are all sorry you have reason to join us on this difficult grief journey.  None of us wants to have reason  be here.  But reading the posts of others does help us to understand that we are not alone in what we are experiencing.  

Feel free to share, vent, rage as you feel the need.  We understand what you are going through, because our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail

[movingon]

Oh that is horrible, I'm very sorry for what you and Ray were going through, and losing him. I found this group I think it was almost a week after my husband passed. I was trying to eat something sitting at my dining room table alone and couldn't swallow any food for the sobbing and shaking and immense emptiness I felt. 

It was so incredible and amazing how quickly and warmly people in this group came to my rescue, it felt like being enveloped in these comforting angelic wings. It has been 9 weeks now since my loss and every day, throughout the day this group feels like family. Everyone has a different story, different loss, so many expressions and thoughts and questions and answers. It has been a place of discovery, of support, of kindness, of love, of unleashing our sorrow, our anger. It is home for my broken heart. 

I am glad you found this group, people here will help you survive.

20 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

Kay will find you soon

Yes! Kay ! You will love Kay

[DancesWithWolves]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

Danceswithwolves,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is life shattering to lose your soulmate whether expected or not, after decades together or just beginning your time together.  That incredible emotional connection that is made with the person who really gets you, and loves you flaws and all.  When that person is taken from you, it feels like your life is over too. 

We are all sorry you have reason to join us on this difficult grief journey.  None of us wants to have reason  be here.  But reading the posts of others does help us to understand that we are not alone in what we are experiencing.  

Feel free to share, vent, rage as you feel the need.  We understand what you are going through, because our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail

Thank you so very much for your kind words. I already feel blessed by this site and look forward to having a safe space to fall apart and heal.

[DancesWithWolves]

1 hour ago, LostThomas said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  A number of people will be here soon in support.   It is so difficult and I'll tell you right away I too am struggling to eat and survival is where a lot of us are.   Stay close here.  Keep coming back as often as possible.  There are a lot of people who come here every day.   There have been days I've been here all day, into the evening and sometimes all night.   Just keep coming here, and read, read, read.  There will be days that's all you can do and you'll know when you're strong enough to comment, or even comment a lot.   You will not fall through the cracks here.   I'm glad you are here because we all know how critical it is to receive empathy and support.   Kay will find you soon.  Reading here can be hard at first because it's so emotional at times.  But you will soon find comfort in it because you will feel and come to better understand your grief.   Just keep coming here.  Everyone needs each other, for as long as it takes.   It is unthinkable just as you say.   Survival is hard.   It hasn't been long for me.  I'm just entering month 4 and I've learned so much from people here and about myself.  You will find support here.  I promise you that.  Just keep coming.

Thomas 

I am not sure you could have provided a more reassuring and encouraging message.  Thank you.  I will keep coming and, as hard as it is to hear about the pain everyone feels here, it echoes what is happening in my world and there is some comfort in that (although that seems a bit twisted to say). 😳  I just hope we can all find a place of healing and growth. I appreciate your welcome very much.

[DancesWithWolves]

1 hour ago, maud said:

Oh that is horrible, I'm very sorry for what you and Ray were going through, and losing him. I found this group I think it was almost a week after my husband passed. I was trying to eat something sitting at my dining room table alone and couldn't swallow any food for the sobbing and shaking and immense emptiness I felt. 

It was so incredible and amazing how quickly and warmly people in this group came to my rescue, it felt like being enveloped in these comforting angelic wings. It has been 9 weeks now since my loss and every day, throughout the day this group feels like family. Everyone has a different story, different loss, so many expressions and thoughts and questions and answers. It has been a place of discovery, of support, of kindness, of love, of unleashing our sorrow, our anger. It is home for my broken heart. 

I am glad you found this group, people here will help you survive.

Yes! Kay ! You will love Kay

I love the way you describe this group as a home for your broken heart.  I am already so grateful for your encouragement and shared experience.  Thank you for taking the time to write and I look forward to getting to know you all better.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, DancesWithWolves said:

His sister even told me I just needed to have a "good cry" and I would feel better.

I am so sorry for your loss and even for the drivel coming your way...I only wish a good cry would help us all feel better.  As if that's all it takes.  Maybe it helped her, but not his wife, his life partner.  Even losing my closest sister nearly a year ago...it didn't help me.  I was in shock at least a good month.  I was her caregiver and we were best of friends, in spite of her dementia and disability.  And losing one's spouse....I was going to say I couldn't imagine...but I lost mine nearly 18 years ago, just five days after his 51st birthday.

I am so sorry you went through the chemo and radiation, only to lose him in the end...I say "you" because although they are going through it, it really is a partner deal.  My friend went through this for her lymph node and breast.  She's still fighting it a year later.  It takes it's toll, but one wouldn't expect it to end in death.

I'm glad you found this place, it's caring, like a family from all over the world.  Welcome here!  It helps to come here, to read and post, it helps to know this is the one place where others "get it" and understand.  Our details may differ but our hearts go through similar experiences.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Cliches - answers to

[DancesWithWolves]

17 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss and even for the drivel coming your way...I only wish a good cry would help us all feel better.  As if that's all it takes.  Maybe it helped her, but not his wife, his life partner.  Even losing my closest sister nearly a year ago...it didn't help me.  I was in shock at least a good month.  I was her caregiver and we were best of friends, in spite of her dementia and disability.  And losing one's spouse....I was going to say I couldn't imagine...but I lost mine nearly 18 years ago, just five days after his 51st birthday.

I am so sorry you went through the chemo and radiation, only to lose him in the end...I say "you" because although they are going through it, it really is a partner deal.  My friend went through this for her lymph node and breast.  She's still fighting it a year later.  It takes it's toll, but one wouldn't expect it to end in death.

I'm glad you found this place, it's caring, like a family from all over the world.  Welcome here!  It helps to come here, to read and post, it helps to know this is the one place where others "get it" and understand.  Our details may differ but our hearts go through similar experiences.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Cliches - answers to

@KayC Thank you so much for sharing this article and that site! I also appreciate your understanding and welcome. I already feel a little more in control through the resources and words of wisdom I have heard in this forum. I think that knowing better what to expect and realizing that so much of what is happening to me is normal in grief, that I can allow myself a little grace as I navigate through all of this loss and pain.  Thank you again ❤️

[RichS]

On 3/8/2023 at 7:09 PM, DancesWithWolves said:

His sister even told me I just needed to have a "good cry" and I would feel better. I have felt so alone, but I don't understand what is happening to me, so I guess I shouldn't expect others to understand either.

You can expect others on this board who understand what you're going through. On this board you'll find sympathetic, caring people who like you, are all traveling on our own grief journey. This board is a coping tool for all of us; and is helping us to "survive" as well. WELCOME!!

[MichiganDaniel]

We understand. We are there with you. I am surprised by how my emotions and mind are still reeling. People who have been here tell us that the grief changes to be less acute, less dominant, and I believe them. When I think of her seeing me so upset, I know it would break her heart, and when I think of her seeing me happy, I can imagine her at peace. It seems like that should help, but I still spend so much of my day with anxiety blasting like a hot furnace. I’m reading a book called, “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.” I don’t know if it’s helping, but I’m trying. I hope you can find some help and comfort, but yeah - this is more crippling than I could have guessed when I was trying to cope with everything in the hospital. We understand, and we know it will not always be this hard for you.

[KayC]

It really does help to share with others here that are going through similar at the same time. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers...

[DWS]

9 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

When I think of her seeing me so upset, I know it would break her heart, and when I think of her seeing me happy, I can imagine her at peace. It seems like that should help, but I still spend so much of my day with anxiety blasting like a hot furnace. I’m reading a book called, “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.” I don’t know if it’s helping, but I’m trying.

My best advice to you is try not putting so much pressure on yourself to feel better. It's understandable that none of us want to hurt endlessly and this deeply but it's also understandable why we do...and yes, that sounds as crazy and messed up as it sounds but our grief is all to do with love and the loss of their physical presence. Being a friend to ourselves at this time means that we don't put so much expectation on ourselves to be "over" this quickly...that we can expect to be anxious, lost, lonely and confused. Love does that to us and that, unfortunately, seems to be part of the agreement. Books and reading, watching Youtube videos pertaining to grief, and sharing here are all tools to help us come to grips with what happened and attain some sort of solace and light. They assist in helping us find meaning at this time...but they're not meant to take away our tears.