Hi! Lost my best friend.

[Rick 157]

Hi,

I am 47 years old and was first introduced to death as a five year old when my mum told me my Grandpa had died of cancer. I remember my heart breaking in my bedroom. Since then, I have lost all of my family. My mum was my best friend and she passed away in 2009. I then looked after and then lost nan in 2014. I have felt sadness and the infinite void of sorrow and thought I could never feel that bad again. 

That was until 6 weeks ago this Friday, my best friend and dog Peaches was put to sleep. I got her from a rescue centre in 2010. As I arrived there, she was being brought in at the same time by a young lad. I met her before i entered the building as it was very hard to avoid her beautiful and bouncy personality, it sucked me in like a black hole. Although I walked around and looked at all the dogs, I had already decided I wanted the little white and golden angel I met at the entrance.

She came home with me that day and as I haven't got my own family, she quickly became more than a dog. I've loved her so deeply ever since. She was so full of energy and such a good girl, although she wasn't even a year old, she was well trained. She could even walk by my side off the lead coming home from the park. I didn't teach her how to do that, I just asked her and she did it.

In the last few years my baby girl started to lose her sight and hearing. Then one day last year she started wobbling and losing her balance, which from what I came to learn was vestibular disease. She had one particular night when she was throwing up, weeing on the floor and falling over every time she stood up. This scared me, but she suddenly recovered as if nothing had happened. I read up on vestibular disease and it sounded like a lot of dogs can live with it. Some just end up with a permanently cocked head or a slight wobble. But at the end of this January it started again, but this time it was lasting longer and this time she was extremely disorientated. I took her to the vets and after examination he said it's Ideopathic vestibular and he recommended euthanasia. He said that there is medication, but it's not guaranteed to work. I knew that I couldn't leave her like that when I was at work and my brain chose what was best for her. I stayed right by her side when she was put to sleep and as I heard her last breath leave her and the vet said there was no heart beat, I felt the greatest pain I had ever felt. 

I have spent the last 6 weeks crying everyday. I wasn't sure if I made the right decision and it all seemed to happen so quick. I felt so guilty. Now there is no baby girl greeting me when I come home or wanting to be let out first thing in the morning. I miss her so much and even though everything I've been through in life, nothing has broken my heart as much as this. I feel so empty, the house is so quiet.  I just wanted to let you know that she lived. I put her ashes around the apple tree in the back garden and putting some in a resin pyramid as a memorial. She meant the world to me. 

Thank you for reading this.

Rick.

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  Your story, yours and Peaches, resonates with all of us here.  I'm so very sorry you lost her.  No matter how many years we have, it's never enough.

She is absolutely beautiful and so precious.  What a wonderful life and adventures you two must have had together; what comfort, love, and care you must have shared.  When we find that one companion who we love above all others, it's one of the hardest losses in our lives.  I and some others call it having found a "soulmate in a pet."  I've loved every cat and dog (and even fancy rats when I was a child) I've ever owned or known, but I too have had a soul dog, our Charlie Bear.  Until I lost my husband, his was the hardest death I had ever faced.

I know my opinion is just that, an opinion, but based on what you've written and on the recommendation of her vet, I think you gave Peaches the greatest and most difficult final gift of love.  Even though you knew your heart would shatter and your world would never be the same, you made the selfless decision to put her needs, her comfort and care, above your own.  You could not bear for her to suffer further, so you took the suffering and pain on for yourself. 

That you were able to be with her until her very last breath is so special.  She left for the Rainbow Bridge surrounded by your love, as she had been for 13 years.  It's everything; it really is.  I've mentioned on a couple of other threads that I read an article once interviewing a woman who fosters/adopts dogs and cats who need hospice care.  She said she didn't like the term "put down" or even "put to sleep" because to her, it feels as though we are "lifting them up" out of the pain and suffering.  It really struck me that it's a better way to think about it when we can.

Please come here to talk, read, question, and even cry or "scream" if that helps.  You are not alone; we are here and we understand.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...I appreciate your wanting a place to say a tribute to Peaches.  It's so hard to lose our beloved dog...I lost my Arlie 3 1/2 years ago, he was my soulmate in a dog, amazing communicator, we were partners in life for 10 1/2 years, went on his cancer journey together only to lose his life at the end.  My baby.  I imagine you're feeling a lot of what I felt...my heart goes out to you.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Rick 157]

Thanks so much, your words bring me comfort. They truly do. I'm such a happy and positive person usually, but I am having a hard time. I even broke down at work today and i'm a teacher, so that wasn't great. But the kids love me and they give me support too. Although I have no family, i know i'm lucky in so many ways. I've even phoned a helpline last week. I also bought a kindle book on dealing with the loss of a pet. I think I need to keep my mind occupied as best I can. I like to go to the gym and a good work out always helps with depression and sadness....I force myself to do it whether i want to or not. 

I am a spiritual person and I know her soul has gone home and one day I will be with her again. Philosophically speaking, we may be all together as we speak, just in ways our human minds can't comprehend. Soon after she passed, I had a dream and in the dream I was sat next to her and she rested her head on mine. I believe she came to give me comfort. She taught me how much I could love and it seems I can love a great deal. She taught me the importance of patience and care. I hurts every time I come home and she isnt there. I always looked forward to seeing her and I cried my eyes out last night when she wasn't beside my chair to get her ears tickled. 

Is it normal to feel more pain as time goes by? Perhaps this pain needs to reach a point and then I will accept it and begin to heal. I know time heals, when I lost my mum I seemed to be able to accept her death a bit better and she was my best friend. She suffered from MS for years. I guess this is different. All the moments in our lives are lessons. I hope to see a light at the end of the tunnel soon, i'll just have to take it day by day. I need to focus on how privileged and blessed I am to have lived by her side.

Thanks again for your help, thanks for the links and the video. It's comforting to know that people understand what i'm going through. I'm glad to have found you all. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Rick 157 said:

Is it normal to feel more pain as time goes by?

I felt tremendous pain losing Arlie, with Kitty it was different, she was 25 1/2 and it was more than time, she was just done, but I can't explain it, it feels like cancer just robbed Arlie of his life, I was hoping for more years with him than what I got, maybe that's it, IDK.  But after a bit of time I remember feeling, "Okay, that's it, I need you back now!" So not that I felt more pain so much as I'd worn thin waiting? 

I'm glad you have the book ordered, I hope it helps.  both of my sisters got me the book "The Art of Dancing in the Rain" about a dog...in the end I knew he was going to die...I couldn't read the end of it, it took me a year to.  That was a tough book to read, missing my Arlie, but it was an excellent book, very well written.

I'm so glad you got that dream, it sounds like a wonderful visitation, but they're so hard to wake up from sometimes.

[AJWCat]

I am sorry for your loss of Peaches, what a sweetie. She's adorable. 

In my experience, time does heal. It's the only thing that does... but grief is also unpredictable. One minute you feel okay and the next a wave hits you and you feel like you did on Day One. Also, the first couple of weeks barely count. At least for me. I was in shock after losing my cat (he got violently ill) out of the blue. Give yourself plenty of time and patience, it's not easy. 

[LuckDragon]

This is hard because you love Peaches so much. Everyone processes each loss differently. The way I proceed my grandfather's passing was very different from Luna. 

It will get better just be kind to yourself and know it's okay to feel how you feel.

[Traz]

When we've had significant losses in our lives and the people we've loved have gone, we turn to our pets. If we live alone, they help fill the emptiness with their unconditional love and are always there for us. Despite our flaws or mistakes, they love us anyway and don't care or judge. 

It is understandable then, that when this amazing loving creature leaves us, we are devastated. My heart goes out to you 💗 I almost couldn't make it through your whole post, because of the tears in my eyes. Your love for Peaches reached me all the way here in Canada. 

I have a friend in a similar situation. His dog had to be euthanized after 14 years of togetherness. Like you, he does not have family and he went through a severe depression. About a year later, someone rescued some dogs from Texas and he ended up adopting one much in need of love and a stable environment.

He is healing from his loss through caring for and nurturing her and although she can never replace the dog he loved, he has found a purpose in saving her. 

I am not suggesting you run out and buy another dog right now, you are grieving your loss very deeply. It took my friend a very long time to even conceive of the idea. I guess I'm just saying our hearts have a great capacity to love and there are so many deserving animals out there who would thrive under your loving care.  But only when you are ready. Give yourself lots of time to come to terms with your loss. And if you don't get another dog, that's okay too. Be kind to yourself and know that you were the best Dad to Peaches. Nothing can change that.

♡ Peace to you

[KayC]

I couldn't agree more with you, @Traz.  We want to give ourselves the gift of grieving intentionally...when I lost my Arlie it was the hardest thing in the world! It was on the same level as losing my husband 18 years ago.  It didn't affect as much in my life (finances, talking over our day, sleeping together, etc) but I had made Arlie my life and it was amazing how much it impacted it!  My life centered around my dog.  He was 1/2 Husky and had the most evolved communication I've ever seen in a dog, a very complex tonal language and we understood each other!  He had acute chronic Colitis his whole life and I'd get up at 4 am and cook for him.  He was also the goofiest dog I've ever known and made up games to play!  He was my rock, my best friend.

Now that I have Kodie, the same is true for him, he doesn't do Husky talk and isn't goofy, doesn't make up games to play, but he's by my side at all times, and my life is centered around him.  He's a natural service dog and I have him registered as that.  I'm so glad my son found the breeder and brought me this little treasure...conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday. His name popped into my head when I first saw his picture and video, and when my son brought me him and tossed down his tag...guess what his name was!

[Traz]

Hi KayC,

What a truly incredible bond you and Arlie had, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am continually baffled by people who can't fathom the depth of having a relationship with an animal. It is an amazing gift. I totally understand that your world revolved around Arlie, from having special needs to communicating with him in your special way.  He gave your life purpose and meaning. When we pour our love into something, it thrives and grows. What a special dog and I understand the next level communication thing as well. 

My daughter came back to live with us during the pandemic. She brought her cat with her, whom I've formed an incredible bond with. He knows what you say to him, he presses buttons to communicate (my daughter taught him this) and he is a beautiful soul. I am devastated that my daughter is moving across the country next month. I'm greiving her going, but also Percy. Both of their absences will leave a huge void in my life. We can see each other on video chats but its not the same.

I'm so glad Kodie came into your life. How amazing that he had the name you had thought of for him! Life works in mysterious ways. Wishing you happiness with Kodie and many years of special moments. 

[KayC]

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, @Traz next month as you are missing not only your daughter, but Percy.  Wow, that he can communicate that way!