How to Support a Grieving Brother when we don't live close?

[midlife_dad]

Hello,

My brothers wife passed unexpectedly.  I was there all last week helping plan and make arrangements and I am traveling back this week for the funeral.   He has voiced he doesn't want to be alone however we all have our lives, families and work responsibilities to attend to in other states.   The guilt we feel is very difficult and we don't know how to approach him abou the need to get home after the funeral.   Anyone else go through this or have suggestions? 

Thanks

[Gail 8588]

@midlife_dad

If he doesn't want to be alone, can you invite him to come stay with you for a few weeks ?months?

He would be alone while your family was at work or school, but not alone when you came home. 

It is hard to convey to you how totally devastating this loss can feel for your brother.  I hope you never experience it. 

Be patient with him. 

Gail

[midlife_dad]

59 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

@midlife_dad

If he doesn't want to be alone, can you invite him to come stay with you for a few weeks ?months?

He would be alone while your family was at work or school, but not alone when you came home. 

It is hard to convey to you how totally devastating this loss can feel for your brother.  I hope you never experience it. 

Be patient with him. 

Gail

He has kids and also needs to get back to work himself.  He would be welcome to stay with us but it isn’t possible with his kids in school and his job.   We can’t uproot our family and move.  I empathize how devastating it is but there is the reality of what can be reasonably be expected of the family as we are spread out across the country.   We all feel terrible but we’re just stuck on what we can do.  

[DancesWithWolves]

11 hours ago, midlife_dad said:

Hello,

My brothers wife passed unexpectedly.  I was there all last week helping plan and make arrangements and I am traveling back this week for the funeral.   He has voiced he doesn't want to be alone however we all have our lives, families and work responsibilities to attend to in other states.   The guilt we feel is very difficult and we don't know how to approach him abou the need to get home after the funeral.   Anyone else go through this or have suggestions? 

Thanks

Nothing about this is easy.  I read your other reply regarding his work and children.  Hopefully his employer will have an extended leave option.  I am not sure what the ages of his children are, but there might be a way for him to take them out of school for a few more days and perhaps visit family or they could grieve together (he wouldn't be alone).

Video chats (Facetime, Marco Polo - to leave messages, Google Meet, etc) offer options to talk face-to-face even when you can't be there.  Maybe send care packages (especially ones that contain something to make him smile/laugh) or have dinner ordered for him.  You can't fix his grief.  No one can. The best you can do is be understanding and let him know that you will stay in touch as much as possible.  SignUp Genius is an app we have used when needing to organize care for family members. Perhaps it would help you make sure that he had a point of contact from someone he loves every day. 

I've only been submerged in grief for four weeks, but it doesn't stop and there were many days when the only reason I ate was because someone asked me if I had.  Your brother will be hurting a long time and, even though he wants someone to stay present now, the care you show over the long-term may actually matter most.  I don't know for sure, but that is my guess at this point.  The fact that you came on here to ask for help shows your concern and I do hope that you find an answer that will make this a little easier for you all.  

[KayC]

You're a caring brother.  I think @DancesWithWolvesoffered some good suggestions, videochats may help a lot so he doesn't feel alone and abandoned, I'm not familiar with SignUp Genius (I'm no genius) but it sounds worthy of looking into.

https://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/Grief/avoid-cliches.html

In addition, the tips I've gathered the first ten years of being on grief forums daily (no particular order, not a one-size-fits-all, but some may fit right away, some later on down the road, some perhaps never...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[midlife_dad]

Thank you for suggestions and support.  KayC that is great article and appreciate the information.  This is very difficult and I can't help but feel a pull to just uproot the family and move back home for him.   Unfortunately I can't do that but it hurts to know we all can't be there for him in person.  

We setup a meal train and people have supplied meals through early april and also donated gift cards for going out to eat.  I got him to get in with a therapist right away and he had his first session already.  He is talking to his pastor daily as well.  He has his kids talking to a therapist as well.  I told him I am going to be checking in every day to make sure he is focusing on himself and talking to people.    I know he has a long road ahead of him and we want to be there for him as much as we can while balancing our own families and lives back at home.  

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

You have done so much, you're an amazing brother!  

One of the things you mentioned reminded me...it's so important for him to be kind, patient, and understanding of himself.  This is a lot!  It changed his life completely in one instance, never to be the same again...that's a lot to process.  You have him doing all the right things!

[DWS]

2 hours ago, midlife_dad said:

We setup a meal train and people have supplied meals through early april and also donated gift cards for going out to eat.  I got him to get in with a therapist right away and he had his first session already.  He is talking to his pastor daily as well.  He has his kids talking to a therapist as well.  I told him I am going to be checking in every day to make sure he is focusing on himself and talking to people.    I know he has a long road ahead of him and we want to be there for him as much as we can while balancing our own families and lives back at home.  

Everything that you've arranged  will certainly be helpful. It's way more than what most family members would think of doing so it sounds like you really are understanding of the difficulty that your brother faces with this tremendous loss in his life. The one piece of advice to you is to try not to put pressure on him to "get better". He feels destroyed and likely, like so many of us here, will be lacking of ambition and interest in anything....and this could go on for a long time. Please don't expect anything more than what he's able to do on a day-to-day basis. Don't baby him but also don't badger either. There's a very fine line that those caring for grievers have to watch for....and it won't be easy for you. Try not to feel guilty that you can't do more. It's just a very sorrowful situation all around. My heart goes out to all of you. 

[RichS]

midlife_dad:  My family has had similar situations like yours to deal with. It sounds like you're doing as much as you can to help him navigate through this. We used to call our relatives friends everyday for awhile until their lives started settling down. If the roles were reversed I would have welcomed that. It would make me feel less alone and the security of knowing some one cares. Other than that, DWS offers a great strategy until he is emotionally stronger to face his "new normal" world.

[foreverhis]

On 3/9/2023 at 4:55 AM, midlife_dad said:

I know he has a long road ahead of him and we want to be there for him as much as we can while balancing our own families and lives back at home.  

Please do not feel guilty that you cannot do more.  I mean this sincerely.  You are doing what you can, especially checking in daily is very helpful because it's both a connection and a reminder that, though you are not there in person, you are there in spirit and in love. 

You're very thoughtful and caring to come here to ask for advice.  It shows how deeply you love your brother.

[Ronni_W]

On 3/8/2023 at 12:59 PM, midlife_dad said:

Anyone else go through this or have suggestions?

Hi, midlife_dad.  I haven't yet been on your side of spousal loss, no. But, as one who lost my spouse very unexpectedly, the best thing that anyone could have done to support me was to ask me what I needed or wanted. (Nobody thought to do that; they just 'decided' for me -- and some was good, some was okay, but some was just really...not at all what I wanted or needed.  I 100% know that they had all the love and caring and compassion for me that this world has to offer, but...so, you can just ask your brother (and your nieces/nephews). And then do your best within that; that's what they'll remember that you gave them, and be forever grateful for it.)

As well, as foreverhis has already said, it's really lovely and heart-warming that you even thought, and went to the trouble, to join this group, and post, and ask the question. It really shows how much you really do care.  ❤️.   Love and hugs to you, and very best to your brother, family and loved ones.   Ronni