My wife past away... I don't know how to do this.

[Ricardo]

   My wife past away on December 10th, 2022.  We were going to be celebrating our 25th anniversary this past February 21st. She past away from complications from Lupus that eventually caused her to have a brain hemorrhage, which took her life. Unexpected, in a way. December will forever be a season to remember. I love her and I miss her so much.  I wish I had more time. I wish I could of been better for her. We have two girls. 18 and 23. The younger has Autism and lives with me. The older is in college and suffers from Schizoaffective Disorder. It has been a challenge just to have keep her in school. She wants to give up, although this is her last semester. I don't know how to do this. A part of me died when my wife went away. I am missing a part of me. I don't have the strength to do everything. I want to give up, but I can't. I want to feel rage, but I can't. I just feel empty, tired, depleted, hurt. She had been sick with Rheumatoid Arthritis for 18 years. I knew she was going to die from it one day. But, last year, everything just happened too fast. I know she's in a better place. She was a good person, a good wife, a good mother, a good human being. She was the better part of me and now, I feel, what is left here is me. I'm not in a good place. 

 

 

 

[RichS]

Ricardo :  My wife passed away from leukemia (a similar cancer) last August. Like you, I have a learning disabled son who lives with me.  I just joined this board in January and have found that all of the people here are sympathetic, caring and like you, are going through grief themselves. You’ve come to a good place. WELCOME!!

[KayC]

@RicardoI am so sorry for your loss, I know it's a lot, the hardest thing I've been through, not a day goes by but what I miss him.  You have a full plate, I hope your daughter sticks it out with college, although I understand the temptation to quit.  It's hard to keep your goals in front of you when going through so much.

I hope you'll continue coming here to read and post, it helps, there are some good people here.  Life is never the same but I've been at this 18 years come Father's Day, and it's not as in the beginning, I was in shock and grief fog for the longest time...
I will say not a day goes by but I miss my George.  Welcome to our group.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Gator M said:

BUT I had always hoped that I'd go first.

Think of it as the last gift you gave her, that you are going through this instead of her...that's how I look at it...only I'd prefer we'd have gone together.  But I guess I'm not done yet.

[Ricardo]

Thank you guys for your support. It really means a lot to me. It's true. She did suffer a lot. The last six month of her life she also was in and out of the hospital. Six times to be exact. I just kept on seeing her deteriorate month by month, every time she was admitted into the hospital. I could not do anything to help her. I loved her so much. I just had to work all the time. I live check to check. I had to divide my time between work and taking care of her. And then work, hospital and home. Sometimes I had to run home from work because she could not get up. My daughter just could not help her as much. Like I said, she has Autism and there were situations where she could not understand what was going on. Sometimes I got mad, at my wife, because she needed so much help and because I was so tired all the time. I wasn't a good enough husband for her. Everything reminds me of her. It is killing me inside. Sometimes I feel I can't go on anymore. But, I have two daughter I have to think of. I have to keep the promise I also made my wife. I also believe in God. I know I am not alone. I know He is with me. It would have been selfish for me to try to keep her here. She was suffering. She was a trooper. She accepted all of it. She always offered her pain for others. She was a good person. I am not. I try, but she always gave me balance. I just need her so much and it is hard to be alone and have to do things without her. Even if it only meant for her to be there. Just there. It hurts, And I have to pretend all the time that I'm ok. I'm not ok. Nobody understands how much somebody like that becomes part of you after you have lived so much together. Good times and bad times. Angry times and happy times. After so long and so much, you are one. I am no longer one. I am torn. It just hurts. 

[RichS]

Ricardo:  continue to post on this board. We are here to listen and to bring comfort to you.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Ricardo said:

I wasn't a good enough husband for her.

I bet she'd say different...that you were good enough for her.  She probably felt bad that everything took it's toll on you, but then that's how husband/wife teams are, each feeling they're draining the other when the tough times come, but neither would have it any other way when it came down to it..

You are enough.

My husband and I met in our mid-40s, both divorced, it was to be for the rest of our lives, neither of us had any idea it'd end so young.  He entered my life when my kids were teenagers, my daughter left home just before we married...you'd think it'd be a hard time getting married with kids that age but I knew they'd get along and it was everything my son was lacking with his dad, although I never voiced that before.  George would have done anything for him.  I remember my son telling me once that you really had to be careful what you said around him because it was like his wish was George's command, and I laughed because it's true, Paul didn't want to take advantage of that.  I remember at his funeral talking about him and George going to rent a video (remember those days?) which really meant a shoot-em-up, and stopping and getting a treat they knew I wouldn't approve of.  They became close.  I swear George had an even harder time with Paul going into the Air Force than I'd had.  Is it any wonder that today my son has George's archery bow up on the living room wall at his place?  His home is beautiful, vaulted ceilings, and it means to much to me that Paul has it mounted in a prominent place.  A tribute to the best stepdad there ever was.

I don't know why this memory came out, it just did.  

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I bet she'd say different...that you were good enough for her.  She probably felt bad that everything took it's toll on you, but then that's how husband/wife teams are, each feeling they're draining the other when the tough times come, but neither would have it any other way when it came down to it

You know, my feelings are similar to Ricardo on this topic. At Chris' funeral, the priest caught me off guard and asked if I had any words to add (HUH???). I just simply stated that in our relationship, she helped me grow up, but even more importantly, I hope that I was as good as husband to her as she was a wife to me.  Even these days I look at the shortcomings that I had in our marriage. Truthfully though, we loved each other and thought that we both were a burden to each other. I guess you can say that both of us needed a little more ego............................

[KayC]

22 hours ago, RichS said:

Truthfully though, we loved each other and thought that we both were a burden to each other. I guess you can say that both of us needed a little more ego.

 

21 hours ago, Gator M said:

I plan on focusing on kids and grandkids and waiting on the Lord...Hopefully the pain and the fog clears sooner than later.  

One can hope, grief seems to have a timetable of its own, but somehow we make our way through it, one day at a time.