Guilt

[aChristy88]

Hello my mother passed away last month and I'm having a hard time picking myself up and being happy again I know she wouldn't want me to feel this way though. She told me our last conversation that it wasn't my fault because we had gotten to some arguments kind of spots if you will but there was one argument where I kind of blew up you know because I had been up frustration and I kind of just let it out all at once and ended up being kind of rude and cussing but we went outside and you know I also just having an off day and she new how I was when I PMS. LOL

I still feel so guilty though we made up and told each other we loved each other and everything was fine but I don't know how to fully forgive myself for that like causing more stress or making her feel like I didn't love her cuz I think she knew I did and before I went to bed we told each other we loved each other and that we were each other's best friends but I just can't get over how I acted.

She had heart failure and heart problems that have taken years to progress but I had no idea I knew she was sick from a cold and had covid but she seemed better and I had no idea she had this heart condition. She hated doctors  but she told me she was fine and I tried to press going to the doctor but she would fight me on it and I have a hard time forgiving myself for that too like I should have pressed it more but I mean I know she's an adult but if I had maybe she'd still be here.

So if anyone have experiences or is it Mom that can tell me their opinion it would help because I know if my mom was here she would tell me to stop overreacting but I can't help but feel so guilty that the last week of her life I was being petty about stupid stuff I mean we still had good times and stuff and I was at the hospital trying to make her laugh and we thought she was going to come home the next day so I didn't go up to see her because we thought we'd be picking her up the next day and I regret not taking her Raising Cane's because that was her favorite food and I know I didn't know the future but still I have a hard time forgiving myself for not being there.

Ok thank you in advance. 

[silvereyes]

I am very sorry for your loss.  Losing a mother is devastating and this will bring many emotions, most of the times difficult to make sense of them. I'm not a psychologist, but I tell you by personal experience, you are not overreacting but grieving. It is very hard to manage all the thoughts and emotions that come with the loss. I lost my mom four months ago from septic shock, unexpectedly and suddenly.  I recently got a remote job in order to be her caregiver...but she passed away at the hospital five days before the flight to see her.  I do talk at night crying and asking her for forgiveness of not being with her when this happened, I was not told and did not know she was suffering and that her health condition was that bad.

I read in other sites and books that even though she has passed away, it is never too late to seek for forgiveness, for things we did say or didn't say or things we did or didn't do. To write her a letter and read it out loud, talk with her while walking, etc. are some of the things that may help to cope with this feeling. For now, I use a journal/diary and have  a lot of one-sided talks with her at night or when I'm by myself. Other things that may help, remembering the memories of her that are more cherished.  Everything around you may make you remember her, it is not easy...and you may find yourself at night talking with her and crying and asking her to forgive you, it is part of this grieving process. I don't think the pain will go away, but somehow we will learn to live with it.  Be patient with yourself, in reality no one can say how long this will take or specific steps to handle it. But remember we are here and listening, you are not alone. Your mom will not want for you to live in sadness and she already told you it was not your fault.  Mothers want their sons and daughters to be happy and she knew you loved her so much.  

We are here and listening, sharing these losses and pain, and supporting each other.  

[saraiee]

On 3/6/2023 at 10:37 PM, aChristy88 said:

Hello my mother passed away last month and I'm having a hard time picking myself up and being happy again I know she wouldn't want me to feel this way though. She told me our last conversation that it wasn't my fault because we had gotten to some arguments kind of spots if you will but there was one argument where I kind of blew up you know because I had been up frustration and I kind of just let it out all at once and ended up being kind of rude and cussing but we went outside and you know I also just having an off day and she new how I was when I PMS. LOL

I still feel so guilty though we made up and told each other we loved each other and everything was fine but I don't know how to fully forgive myself for that like causing more stress or making her feel like I didn't love her cuz I think she knew I did and before I went to bed we told each other we loved each other and that we were each other's best friends but I just can't get over how I acted.

She had heart failure and heart problems that have taken years to progress but I had no idea I knew she was sick from a cold and had covid but she seemed better and I had no idea she had this heart condition. She hated doctors  but she told me she was fine and I tried to press going to the doctor but she would fight me on it and I have a hard time forgiving myself for that too like I should have pressed it more but I mean I know she's an adult but if I had maybe she'd still be here.

So if anyone have experiences or is it Mom that can tell me their opinion it would help because I know if my mom was here she would tell me to stop overreacting but I can't help but feel so guilty that the last week of her life I was being petty about stupid stuff I mean we still had good times and stuff and I was at the hospital trying to make her laugh and we thought she was going to come home the next day so I didn't go up to see her because we thought we'd be picking her up the next day and I regret not taking her Raising Cane's because that was her favorite food and I know I didn't know the future but still I have a hard time forgiving myself for not being there.

Ok thank you in advance. 

Dear achristy88

I also lost my mother 5 days ago. I am totally familiar with the regrets that you mentioned about hospital. For me it's like why didn't I insist that a doctor come and visit her, or ask the nurses do something more. I feel I behaved more politely or even shy than I should. I think that I failed her. Someone recently told me that these regrets show how much I cared about her and I would continue to do if she was still here. I pray that we feel better in the coming days.