Unsettled and Stuck

[Suree]

I'm into the 3rd year since my husband died. The first year was a mixture of shock and anger. The 2nd year my anger eased and the initial shock faded, but I just felt numb. I wasn't purposely avoiding my feelings, they just weren't there. Now moving into year 3 it's hitting me in bursts. And I feel unsettled and stuck.

I'm now trying to go through belongings etc. and I'm finding it hard to do so. I want to sort through his stuff, and donate what I can, because it's just sitting there and there's no reason to keep certain things. But I'm struggling to do it. I really want to  sort through things because I don't want the stuff just taking up space in the spare rooms and the garage.

I know everyone's experience with loss is different, but does this sort of thing seem to happen 3 years in?

[Suree]

I heard to wait one year before making any big decisions which I did. I don't want to wait 10 years or never though, and make the kids have to deal with every thing when my time comes. My sister's husband died 14 years ago, took her 12 years to sort through every thing, and she dragged the stuff with her every time she moved.

I don't feel I'll be creating unnecessary emptiness. I'm keeping the memorable things, and the other things just look like unwanted objects now, I don't want them. I'm more concerned about the stuck feelings I have and not feeling like I can do it. I'm trying to move on and want to be free of the unwanted stuff. It's just things like boxes of books, boxes of old files that are obsolete, old laptops, some clothes etc., and like you said, stuff we'd probably part with any way.

[KayC]

It's an individual thing.  You're feeling pressured because of your sister's husband/experience.  When my sister died (no kids) we took memorabilia and hired an estate place to deal with it and then a junk truck picked up the rest.  It made it much easier and I imagine that's what my kids will do when my time comes...or perhaps when I have to move/downsize.

Welcome here.  This is a grief family, we all care about each other and sort of look after each other.  It's been nearly 18 years for me since losing my husband, he'd just turned 51.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Suree]

You're the first one to say that I'm feeling pressured because of my sister's experience. I really don't feel that's the reason, we had/have different scenarios. She had to sell her home, so she just packed up everything and sorted through it over the years. I'm lucky I can stay in my home, but I'm at a point that I don't want my home to be storage for unwanted or unneeded things.

I've been feeling edgy and unsettled lately and it has nothing to do with my sister's experience.  Maybe I should have focused more on writing about my feelings rather than the sorting, it was just an example to spotlight my current feelings. I didn't need/want an analysis. I was just looking for others who could possibly relate to my emotions of feeling unsettled and stuck.

[DWS]

I just passed year one but I started a topic on decluttering a few months back. I don't know if it will help give you a bit more clarity but there was a bit of a discussion on it. 

 

[Amburr]

I don’t think it has anything to do with yours or your sister’s experience, I think it has to do with the memories. I’m a year and a half in since my husband passed and that was probably one of the hardest things to do. I found things I didn’t even remember he had but I could look at it and tell you exactly where it came from. Before I even started I let my kids go through everything and take what they wanted of his. They came before everyone because at the end of the day that was their dad. We put away the rest of what we wanted and I slowly sorted through everything. Sometimes it was a drawer of his, sometimes I got through an entire dresser. After it was all said and done I felt relieved that I got through it. All I can tell you is take it at your own pace. 

[DMB]

Hi.  So sorry for your loss.   In a couple of months it will be 3 years for me as well.  I was pretty out of it the 1st year.  Found a bit more acceptance in year 2, and this year I feel like a widow.  I'm alone, there are days I don't mind, and there are days that I am lonely. I do not see myself ever starting a relationship.  I am growing more content to be alone.  My plot is right next to his and my name is already on the stone.  I feel good knowing where I'm going to end up.  

 I too, also have STUFF after 3 years.  I used to come here and say to these nice folks I want to just set it all on fire.  My husband had his own handyman business and there are so many things still around.  The first thing that went was his van. It was very upsetting to me to see it, so my neighbor. parked it over his house until my son took it, emptied it, and sold it.  I also got rid of all his work clothes right away.  I still have some good clothes but it's minimal.  I wear a pair of his pajama pants when I'm not feeling well. 

 We are also trying to finish a project for him which is a 450 sq ft cottage on the bay he built.  We were left with basically 4 walls and a roof.  So, I scrounged through all this stuff using whatever we could.  We are almost done, and then there are 2 sheds here that need to go.  I hope my son will take the newer wood shed to his house and the old metal one could get broken down and taken to the scrapyard.  I would love to somehow achieve this by the end of this year.  The stuff inside the house will eventually just get tossed.  It's too much work to try and sell it, no one wants it. My rule is that I haven't touched it in a years' time, it's gone.  I have been too busy with getting the cottage done, and then one day I will concentrate on the tossing things from the house. Good luck to you.  It's hard.  I don't want my son or daughter have to clean this up. 

[Suree]

9 hours ago, DWS said:

I just passed year one but I started a topic on decluttering a few months back. I don't know if it will help give you a bit more clarity but there was a bit of a discussion on it. 

Thx for this DWS, I'll definitely check out that thread.

7 hours ago, Amburr said:

I don’t think it has anything to do with yours or your sister’s experience, I think it has to do with the memories.

Thank you Amburr. I think you're right, it has to do with all the memories. I think deep down I kind of knew that, maybe I just needed someone who understood that and then say it.

7 hours ago, DMB said:

one day I will concentrate on the tossing things from the house. Good luck to you.  It's hard.  I don't want my son or daughter have to clean this up. 

It's great to know someone else also doesn't want their kids to have to deal with the clean up. Thanks for your post DMB.