I miss you so much Holiday. How do I go on??

[Holiday0907]

Sorry in advance for how long this is...   I lost my precious fur doggy, my baby of almost 16 years, yesterday. March 4, 2023. I miss him so so much and don't know how to go on. 

Everything bad really started on Wednesday, February 22nd. I took him in for an ear infection treatment, but while there I mentioned to the vet that he had started coughing a bit. They listened to his chest and told me there was a lot of fluid build up, he was going into heart failure. They gave me medicine that could help. I thought we would have at least another couple of months together before things got to a "decision making" point.  

A few days later, on Saturday, February 25th, it started out as a normal routine day before my dads dog (approx. 75 lbs) accidentally fell on top of my doggy (18 lbs poodle). I rushed him to the ER to find that his hip was dislocated. They were sending his info and a referral over to the surgeon. 

On the morning of Friday, March 3rd, I took my baby to the surgeon. He was dropped off to be evaluated to see if he was healthy enough for the surgery. They called me a few hours later to say that they did not feel comfortable doing surgery because his heart sounded really bad, and his kidney levels were elevated. They wanted to admit him to get all of that under control first. I agreed. I went to visit him, but he was in an oxygen chamber and they wouldn't let me hold him, only visit from the outside. I think my baby sensed me there because he began sniffing around when I arrived. (Ftr he was also blind and deaf). 

On the morning of Saturday, March 4th they called to tell me he did well throughout they night. He had been out of the oxygen chamber for a few hours and breathing well on his own. He was sitting up. Drinking water. Their concern was that he wasn't eating. I let them know that my baby was a bit picky with his food, and also preferred me to hand feed him. I said I'd come up to try that. I got there about 40 mins later at 9:30a. They told me he had literally just gone downhill and become unresponsive in the last 10 mins before I got there. He was back on an oxygen mask, but I was able to visit with and hold him. 

Not long after I got there, my poor baby had a seizure in my arms. Out of nowhere. He took a drink of water from me, and then just began seizing. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but after that he just wasn't the same. He was panting hard, struggling to breath even with the oxygen. The doctor thought maybe he had a stroke or threw a clot to the brain. 

For three hours, I sat with my baby. I held him. Kissed his nose, scratched his ear, told him I loved him. I hoped something would get better, but it wasn't. The doctor told me that he was very likely going to leave this world on his own during the day, and he would essentially suffocate to death. I had to make the worst decision of my life in that moment. 

Now here I am without my baby boy, just over 24 hours later. I feel so much pain and guilt. What if I had never taken him in to have the hip checked out? What if I had never even taken him around my dad's dog for the hip to get dislocated? If I had made every decision differently, maybe my baby would still be here with me today. 

I want my baby back. My heart hurts so much. I can't stop crying. He was my world, my soul doggy, and I don't know how to be without him. I want to leave this world and be with him. Does he know how much i loved him? Did he know I was there with him in his final hours, and I didn't abandon him? So many unanswered questions. So much pain and guilt. I want my sweet baby back. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Holiday0907 said:

If I had made every decision differently, maybe my baby would still be here with me today. 

And yet events could have played out all the same without that as a trigger.  Please don't do this to yourself or your dad.  The exam uncovered a lot of health issues and he was older.  I am so sorry for your loss...our minds go crazy with the whatifs, trying to make some sense out of what seems nonsensical to us but it's all we have to work with.
The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Holiday0907 said:

Does he know how much i loved him? Did he know I was there with him in his final hours, and I didn't abandon him?

I felt this too.  Tell him how you feel...
Memories of Arlie
Living with Loss - Loss of a Pet