What does it matter?

[Deborah_M]

I've been sitting here at this computer for almost an hour trying to put into words what I'm feeling, What does it matter?  Last Tuesday I found myself sinking into despair and feeling a dark cloud growing over me.  Thought it was just another one of those days.  Weather was gloomy and a strong storm was forecasted to hit our area.  Didn't think too much about it as the weather has been crazy here for the past six months raining and cold most of that time.  Chalked it up to feeling moody.  Wednesday came along and I was looking forward to Church and meeting up with my fellow widow ladies for Church supper. At the last minute I texted a couple of people to let them know I was not coming due to the weather threat.  First time I missed in a long time.  Stayed home in a melancholy mood, just couldn't put my finger on why I was slipping deeper into depression.  Thursday comes alone and again I find a reason to stay home, just didn't want to be around any one.  Here comes Friday and an emergency trip to the vet as one of my companion pets was sick, good thing I didn't wait as she was very ill.

One of the ladies at the Vet's office loss her husband a year ago, I have known her for better part of 15 years.  We talked about our grief and exchanged stories. Gave her the Grieving website address and told her how this site has helped me.

Unfortunately, my puppy was too sick to come home and needed to stay overnight.  Being at home without her was terrible, the house seemed so cold and lonely.  It made me realize how much I have come to depend on her and her brother.  (who is blind.)  Was able to pick her up on Saturday.  So here we go ...the weekend!  No plans to do anything just read and surf the internet.  

My younger brother called me and asked me if I knew there was a tornado threat in my area, I'm in Louisiana and he is in Texas.  Let him and his wife give me all the instructions on how to stay save, where to go in the house, get flashlights, food, pillows, etc etc etc.  Watched the weather on the local TV station and promised them I would get ready., Well guess what, I didn't do any of that.  What for?  If it hit me My Misery would hopefully be over.  It got bad put no tornado near me.  20 miles away it did hit!  One large tree hit a car parked in a driveway, think they will be getting a new vehicle as their truck was totaled.  Several businesses in the area where damaged and some lost power.  Luckily no one was seriously injured. It was amazing how calm I was through it, Just didn't care.

Today, Sunday could not sleep got up around 5:00AM was going to pour a cup of coffee and just set for a while before getting ready for Church.  Changed my mind just was feeling so down and decided not to go.  Then it hit me why I was feeling like this.  In 3 days I will have to go through another birthday.  My oldest son who died last September' two weeks before my husband passed, his birthday will be coming up.  He would have been 49.  Right now, I feel nothing.  I have shut myself down and I don't care about anything right now.  I think I am finally dealing with the grief of losing him.  For some reason this birthday grief feels worst than when I went through my husband's  birthday in February.  

I know that somehow I will pull through this but I just don't care right now..  I keep hoping that when the storm was passing through my area, it would get me and I could move on and be with My Husband and My Son...The loneliness is eating me alive.  I just don't care right now.  How long an I going to feel like this before I pull my self out of this HellHole. I just don't care!  

Writing all this down has not made me feel any better, but at least I know now why I'm feeling this way.  Happy Birthday, Chris

 

[KayC]

Deborah, To lose your husband AND your son, that is a lot...very a lot.  My heart goes out to you as you tell your story.  I've found myself also pulling inward, yes I am housebound with the snow, but it's more than that.  I feel like I'm on the outside, looking in.  I'm not feeling included in my church right now, and not sure way, maybe because no one reaches out during this over a month I've been snowbound, putting one foot in front of the other to shovel, shovel, shovel.  It seems endless.  There's more outside waiting for me to shovel, waiting for daylight to get dressed and tackle it...only for more to come.  It's not unlike our grief...always there to deal with, unrelenting, never done.  I can relate to what you are saying.  Not sure that's any help, but just want you to know I feel you.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

12 hours ago, LostThomas said:

 It's never really been about answers for me here.

And I recall your sharing that.

[Deborah_M]

KayC, Maud, Thomas. Thank you for the words of encouragement and sharing your feelings with me.  I know you care it shows in your writings. It's fellow travelers like you that keep me coming here.  Maybe a word or phase will click in my head and it will open a window for fresh air and I will feel as if I can breath again, and see the sun shine. Hoping the dark cloud will disappear.  Will I be able to think clearly and hope for a better future?  Don't know......

Tomorrow is the day I have been hiding from all week, the day I think about all the birthdays that won't be, the hugs and the I love you mom I won't hear.  I can't let my self think about that.  My heart hurts to the point I think it will pound right out of my body.  Tears fall down my cheeks as I write this...missing him so much.  Nothing is going to bring him back...there is not enough memories...not enough laughter...not enough pictures...I never saw him sad, he was always hopeful, he loved his children so much he was willing to accept any situation as long as he could be with them.  Now they don't have him and I have lost them all.  No point trying to explain a sad story.  I love you Chris...someday I'll see you again and there won't be any tears in my eyes.  Someday I'll see my husband again, We will celebrate our reunion along with all the other family and friends we have lost along the way.  Save a place for me!

[RichS]

Deborah_M:  Unfortunately, all of us have certain dates etched in our minds which trigger our emotions. I see that faith for you is an anchor. It is for me as well. Like you, there are times when I wish that God would take me to join him and my loved ones in heaven; but I know that others depend me right here, right now. Since grief is unpredictable I guess taking it one day at a time is the best strategy for all of us.

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, RichS said:

all of us have certain dates etched in our minds which trigger our emotions.

Oh how I know that this is true. My wife's birthday is next week and all of March has been brutal for me. The last few weeks I've been losing it over the smallest of things. Her birthday, the anticipation of going up north in the spring without her, just missing her so much that it hurts. For all us here, I can relate, we've all lost a part of ourselves when our partner passed away and now going it alone is very tough. Another thing I just remembered is I finally traded in her vehicle which she loved so much, she only enjoyed it for less than 2 years. Yesterday I was going through it to take out stuff from the inside and I  was crying practically the whole time through. Hopefully she understands.

[DWS]

Right in sync with this topic, Megan Devine has just posted "how do I deal with life feeling meaningless after loss" on her YouTube channel. It's another one of her raw, unbridled observations derived from her own grief journey. I like her way of expression. She knows she has no real answers or solutions to give to someone in pain but her understanding of all of it comforts me. I need that companionship....and through her rambling thoughts here, she gives validation to my forlornness which is strangely helpful.

About halfway into her video she says "Given everything you've lived through, you have every reason to be disenchanted and pissed off at the world". Sometimes, that's what we need to hear. A bit of her language may be offensive to  some but hopefully that doesn't nullify her message.

 

[Deborah_M]

15 hours ago, RichS said:

Deborah_M:  Unfortunately, all of us have certain dates etched in our minds which trigger our emotions. I see that faith for you is an anchor. It is for me as well. Like you, there are times when I wish that God would take me to join him and my loved ones in heaven; but I know that others depend me right here, right now. Since grief is unpredictable I guess taking it one day at a time is the best strategy for all of us.

 

9 hours ago, LostThomas said:

This really hit me hard today.   I'm only in month 4 and well into the second month I started to slow down in my grief...moving forward steps were very small and the pace was so slow.   I sense small changes about every two weeks, and it's still slow.  I really try to keep moving forward and the steps are not major but the fight with isolation is so tough.  Here it is only Wednesday and I've lost it in rather significant emotional upheaval twice.  It's every day in some way, but twice it was pretty intense.   

RichS:  it's another day of great sadness for me but I reached out to the people who love me and know me the best...They are the ones who keep me here.  I know you understand what I mean.  I appreciate your post.

Thomas: hang in there...try for a deep breath or two...Isolation gives us to much time thinking about our past lives.  Wish I had the answers.  I'm starting a grief seminar soon, hope that will help me.  I pray for all of us nightly...I'm sure God hears all our prays.  I'm hurting right now but I'm not giving up.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Yesterday I was going through it to take out stuff from the inside and I  was crying practically the whole time through.

I remember going through that, I bawled the whole time.  My kids were nearby but let me do it myself, I think they knew it was something I had to do.  So hard.  It was a car that belonged to someone so full of life, he never dreamed I'd be cleaning it out...him gone.

21 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My wife's birthday is next week and all of March has been brutal for me.

I'm so sorry, Sparky.  No easy way through this, is there. (Rhetorical)  You're in my thoughts as you face this...for me it's June, his birthday, his death day, Father's Day...

18 hours ago, DWS said:

A bit of her language may be offensive to  some but hopefully that doesn't nullify her message.

My pastor often quotes from her book, "It's okay not to be okay" and apparently it hasn't swayed him away from her message...she speaks from her heart, her life message.

[Deborah_M]

Gator M: So sorry for your loss, you will find the kindest most caring fellow grief travelers here.  We all are going through the same pain and hurt you are feeling right now.  Some of us, like you have just recently come to this site.  My husband died in oct of 22, my son passed about in sept 22, it has been difficult for me to live through this, I am grateful to God for bringing me here.  Read the post, come back often and please know that there are people here who care about you.  Many of us get our strength from reading other peoples post and I can tell you...I've posted some really crazy post at times.  I'm sorry that your family is not right there with you, but do try to visit them or have them come and stay with you.  Isolation has it's ups and downs.  Talk about what you are feeling, tells us about your wife.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  You will find a new family here.  God Bless, you are in our prayers, ~ Deborah_M  

[Deborah_M]

North Louisiana, close to Shreveport.  Gator M give yourself some time before moving, at least a year.  I still live in our house.  Family members want me to move closer to them, they are all over the country, Texas and Colorado.  I thought about it and some days more so but I learned a lesson. Thankfully One that did not cost me a lot.  When My husband passed my brother came down and spent a month with me, fixing things and helping clean up the place.  My husband was sick for some time and I was his caregiver. So things needed fixing.  My brother put up security lights, cut down dead trees and started throwing things away.  Some of those things I dug out of the trash.  But where I learned my lesson was an old tractor my husband bought I was going to have it fixed and sale it later.  I found out that by the time I paid for repairs and hauling it back and forth I won't get much for it if I sold it.  So my brother talked me into selling it to the guy who was going to fix it.  I got use to seeing that thing parked in my front yard.  Now, I wish I had not made that decision, I listened to someone else tell me what I should do.  Give your self at least a year or even longer before making major changes in your life.  It's your life.  If you don't feel right about it, stop and think some more about it.  I really don't want to live with my kids. I'm 72 years old, I might be forced to someday because I won't be able to take care of myself,  but I'll cross that bridge then.  Right now, I'm staying put. 

[Deborah_M]

If your son is a single Dad, then I hope that will work out for you, him and your Grandchildren.  I understand about "If God would call me home". I say that in my prayers every day.  I'm so sorry about your loss, and the bad memories.  You'r going to have  bad days.  When you feel overwhelmed pick up the phone and call a friend or your son.  I did last night, My son's birthday was yesterday.  I lost it!  Did the same thing when my husband's birthday came around.  I think to myself...What do I have to live for?  And then the answer comes.  You have 2 other children and grandChildren that need you.  How long were you and your wife married?  It was 36 years for us.  I fight that feeling every day.  God Bless ~ Deborah

[Deborah_M]

Mike:  I don't have the answers for you, I do understand what you'r feeling, this was my second marriage too.  When we meet I had three small children, wasn't looking but I believe  God sent him to me to take care of me and my children. I loved him from the moment I first saw him.  We dated for two years before we decided to get married.  The best decision both of us made.  We loved each other so much, I think you are right the more you love someone the harder it is to let go...There has been times I have felt his presence around me, We had our ups and downs but mostly ups.  We were so different in our up bringing.  I was raised differently than he was and I was always asking him questions about how he grew up.  He was college educated, me just high school, but he never made me feel less.  He was always teaching me things, important things like taking care of my car, and getting things fixed and so much more.  Little did I know I would be putting all that training to use now.  I like to believe that God called him home because he needed him to be his warrior.  So I call him "My angel warrior".  I do believe that your wife and my husband are waiting for us in heaven and one day we will be there with them.  

Like you, I believe there is an afterlife.  You are in a difficult place right now and it's hard because there is nothing to relate this too.  The feel is much worse than when you went through a divorce, there are no guidelines on how you are to feel and act.  New frontier that is horrible, so many ups and downs.  Keep your faith in God that he will bring you through this.  Keep coming here, you will find a lot of people saying the same things you are feeling.  You are not alone.  You will make new friends here who will be glad to help you when you need it Try to find LostThomas on here, you will like him and he is going through much the same.  Thomas is a good listener and always seems to say what you need to hear.  Stay in touch, my prayers are with you.  ~ Deborah

[Deborah_M]

On 3/8/2023 at 8:37 AM, Sparky1 said:

Oh how I know that this is true. My wife's birthday is next week and all of March has been brutal for me. The last few weeks I've been losing it over the smallest of things. Her birthday, the anticipation of going up north in the spring without her, just missing her so much that it hurts. For all us here, I can relate, we've all lost a part of ourselves when our partner passed away and now going it alone is very tough. Another thing I just remembered is I finally traded in her vehicle which she loved so much, she only enjoyed it for less than 2 years. Yesterday I was going through it to take out stuff from the inside and I  was crying practically the whole time through. Hopefully she understands.

Sparky1 I am sure your wife understands about the car.  I've read your post several times now and I'm just now able to reply.  I am so sorry for your loss, I also know how you are going to feel on her birthday, it has taken me over a week to start coming out of my (for lack of a better word) bomb shelter.  My safe place etc...My heart breaks for you knowing how you are going to feel.  My prayers are with you ~ Deborah

[KayC]

Prayers for you all, I feel like I'm intruding on a hallowed ground here in this conversation...listening in, so to speak.

[Boggled]

On 3/5/2023 at 3:29 PM, Deborah_M said:

Being at home without her was terrible, the house seemed so cold and lonely.

Deborah M, I am only starting to perceive this emptiness again.  The first night, arriving home alone from the hospital, I felt it then, and for a few days afterward, but then I think ... either my mind just DENIED it, or I really started to feel my husband's spirit and reach and stretch my own spirit to meet his.  The idea of a "string" connecting those who love to those who have departed makes sense to me!   I think this connection, the grieving we are doing, the searching inwardly for spiritual connection, are clear signs of the truth of the love between us, that existed and STILL EXISTS.

The fact that the comfortable pleasant companionship I had with my husband, has now turned into "just me," I think, is part of why I've left as much as possible just the way it was that day of his departure from this world.   All these things are not making me think he is coming back.  But they all remind me perpetually of that comfortable pleasant companionship we had.  In this world now, those reminders are also reminders that "normality" (whatever that is or was) existed then, and that we had it, and it CAN BE.  

This past winter has been "interesting" to me;  seeing the electric bill go up, I decided to keep the house at 64F;  then 62F seemed okay, then just turning the heat up to 62F and letting it go for hours down into the high 50's was no biggie.  I've been wearing a lightweight coat, sweater, base layer, insulated pants, heavy socks, and I just don't notice usually until it's been about 58F in the house for quite a while.  (BTW, my electric bill did not go down by much anyway, apparently the electric co. has started adding "fuel charge" and just a charge for being a customer, on!)  What is interesting, though, is that the cold house temp matters so very little.  What is my mind doing?  yes I do monitor my head, and this seems peculiar compared to the old "normality."  Is "loss" so overwhelmingly huge that something as basic as house temperature is as nothing?   Does my mind correct my temperature more naturally with clothing, than with turning on the heat at the thermostat?  

A young (and pregnant) cat has appeared here.  She doesn't like doors.  She doesn't seem to understand "doors," is this evolution of cats?    Is my preference for extra clothing rather than using the house thermostat evolution of humans?    

[RichS]

12 minutes ago, Boggled said:

The fact that the comfortable pleasant companionship I had with my husband, has now turned into "just me," I think, is part of why I've left as much as possible just the way it was that day of his departure from this world.   All these things are not making me think he is coming back.  But they all remind me perpetually of that comfortable pleasant companionship we had.  In this world now, those reminders are also reminders that "normality" (whatever that is or was) existed then, and that we had it, and it CAN BE. 

This sums up the relationship I had with my wife of 42 years. It's a positive statement; and a reminder to cherish those moments in my grieving and be thankful for them. I still have friends and relatives my age who never married; and even though I've lost, in my mind they never gained.

 

[Boggled]

26 minutes ago, RichS said:

I still have friends and relatives my age who never married; and even though I've lost, in my mind they never gained.

And you DID.  And that IS positive.  

[Boggled]

On 3/8/2023 at 9:34 AM, Gator M said:

I am empty with very little joy.  My Lord is there, my kids kids are there, and my church is there BUT so is the HURT.   Food has little flavor and I live in South Louisiana so that says volumes.  All those hopes seem meaningless now.  

I turned my water main OFF.  Water bill was $81 this past month, when I've been using VERY little water, and it has been high for years.  So I suspect someone is and has been tapping our/my water line between the main and the house.  A few minutes  after turning OFF the water at the main, sitting alone (of course!) on our back deck, I heard a huge male BELLOW from the neighbors down the hill, then a few minutes after that, my ears strongly tuned in!, I heard SOMEbody come up the hill and BANG BANG! metal on something metal!  I felt JOY!  TRUE JOY and it was purely delightful.  First time since His departure.  

[Deborah_M]

6 hours ago, Boggled said:

This past winter has been "interesting" to me;  seeing the electric bill go up, I decided to keep the house at 64F;  then 62F seemed okay, then just turning the heat up to 62F and letting it go for hours down into the high 50's was no biggie.  I've been wearing a lightweight coat, sweater, base layer, insulated pants, heavy socks, and I just don't notice usually until it's been about 58F in the house for quite a while.  (BTW, my electric bill did not go down by much anyway, apparently the electric co. has started adding "fuel charge" and just a charge for being a customer, on!)  What is interesting, though, is that the cold house temp matters so very little.  What is my mind doing?  yes I do monitor my head, and this seems peculiar compared to the old "normality."  Is "loss" so overwhelmingly huge that something as basic as house temperature is as nothing?   Does my mind correct my temperature more naturally with clothing, than with turning on the heat at the thermostat?  

A young (and pregnant) cat has appeared here.  She doesn't like doors.  She doesn't seem to understand "doors," is this evolution of cats?    Is my preference for extra clothing rather than using the house thermostat evolution of humans?    

Boggled:  Wow! I thought I was the only one living in a freezer (LOL) in stead of a house. Thank you for sharing, I do the same thing.  this winter was so cold I could see my breath inside the house. Lowering the temp to save money and your right it didn't save put a few dollars.  I found an old heating blanket and put it on the bed so I stayed warm at night.  Hot drinks during the day help to warm me back up and extra layers of clothing.  Always wearing thick socks during the day.  Turning off all the lights except for one and battery operated lighting at night so I don't trip over the sleeping dogs.  You must have an all electric house, I do.  My brother who lives in Colorado has an electric bill half of mine and it's much colder there, but he does have gas heating.  also, my house is heated by a heat pump.   would never buy another house with one.  Summer will be bad too  it gets very warm here in the summer time, but I'm just going to have to adjust to it.  

Like you, my new life style doesn't seem to matter. It's just me, don't care about cooking meals, just fix whatever is handy, it has gotten to be a challenge to see how long I can go without going to the grocery store, and putting back items that I really don't need but would like to buy, like cookies and chips and sweets.  Going shopping,  I don't care about that any more. I thank God, I keep all my old cloths that were to small for me, now they are to big...That was a surprise.  I didn't realize I had lost that much weight.

The young cat could be a gift from above so you would have someone to love and take care of. I am so grateful for my two dogs.  Feeding them, taking them to the vet and spending time with them helps me to focus on them and not on my pain, they always seem to know when I need some love.  🙏

[Sparky1]

23 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Sparky1 I am sure your wife understands about the car.  I've read your post several times now and I'm just now able to reply.  I am so sorry for your loss, I also know how you are going to feel on her birthday, it has taken me over a week to start coming out of my (for lack of a better word) bomb shelter.  My safe place etc...My heart breaks for you knowing how you are going to feel.  My prayers are with you ~ Deborah

Thank you, Deborah. I'm sorry for your loss as well. You know, you think that after so much time ( in my case, about 2 and a half years) that the grief would not hit you so much, but I know for me there are good days and then there are really bad days. It's not raw like in the beginning where the despair used to consume me from the inside out, but let me tell you, memories, even though they're good , trigger the grief. Knowing that I'll never have those moments with her again in this physical existence, the realization is like a train hitting me full on. She would have been 60 next week, and she fought like a lion to the end, but it was too much for her. I can honestly say that she was an inspiration to me from the moment I met her, and she definitely made me a stronger person. 

[Boggled]

3 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Wow! I thought I was the only one living in a freezer (LOL) in stead of a house. Thank you for sharing, I do the same thing.  this winter was so cold I could see my breath inside the house. Lowering the temp to save money and your right it didn't save put a few dollars.  I found an old heating blanket and put it on the bed so I stayed warm at night.  Hot drinks during the day help to warm me back up and extra layers of clothing.  Always wearing thick socks during the day.  Turning off all the lights except for one and battery operated lighting at night so I don't trip over the sleeping dogs.  You must have an all electric house, I do.  My brother who lives in Colorado has an electric bill half of mine and it's much colder there, but he does have gas heating.  also, my house is heated by a heat pump.   would never buy another house with one.  Summer will be bad too  it gets very warm here in the summer time, but I'm just going to have to adjust to it.  

Like you, my new life style doesn't seem to matter. It's just me, don't care about cooking meals, just fix whatever is handy, it has gotten to be a challenge to see how long I can go without going to the grocery store, and putting back items that I really don't need but would like to buy, like cookies and chips and sweets.  Going shopping,  I don't care about that any more. I thank God, I keep all my old cloths that were to small for me, now they are to big...That was a surprise.  I didn't realize I had lost that much weight.

The young cat could be a gift from above so you would have someone to love and take care of. I am so grateful for my two dogs.  Feeding them, taking them to the vet and spending time with them helps me to focus on them and not on my pain, they always seem to know when I need some love.  🙏

Deborah_M,  that's interesting!   My husband was born and raised in Lake Charles, and my MIL from there calls every night.  I lived in Lafayette for 20 years.  I don't mind cold but I can always add more clothing and blankets (I had 4 blankets on my bed this winter).  The heat is going to be something else again but I know I can tolerate that, too, though really I prefer cold to heat.  I DO cook still.  I started out cooking pretty much the same as before my husband departed, pretty creative, but it's going downhill.  I like winter for baking and make "bready" things using the Lahaye no-knead 18-hour method.  Like homemade pizza, meat pies, bread, and I can even make a sort of pastry by folding ghee into the dough as for puff pastry.   I've started talking to myself, saying "thank you, Jennifer, that's really good, Jennifer, oh boy, thanks for making that delicious braid, Jennifer. "  This book I'm reading now, called Seed Time, by Harriet Hodgson, a woman who suffered four family losses (though not her husband) in one year, says talking to yourself is natural and okay!  and you need to monitor what you're talking to yourself about, avoiding the negative/s.  

and I AM thankful for the young cat.  What to do with the kittens though?  Might end up with a whole bunch of cats, all of whom will need to be fixed IMHO.  Been there, done that ... not doing that expanding cat population again!

[movingon]

4 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Wow! I thought I was the only one living in a freezer (LOL) in stead of a house. Thank you for sharing, I do the same thing.  

Oh no you're not the only one Deborah! Seems to be the new trend with people here,...I gave up on keeping the woodstove going when the smoke came pouring out the one day and I panicked and thought, that's it for me and lighting fires right now. So I'm only running 2 baseboard heaters in two rooms at 62 degrees and oh my - my electricity bill shot up this month. 

[KayC]

I'm personally glad to have my wood stove, it doesn't get above freezing here and since I lost weight three years ago, I'm always cold.  I have my leggings, sweater, and long robe on, and it's usually 68-70 in here.  When the smoke poured in your chimney likely needed cleaned, I have someone come do it once a year.  Wood stoves are a lot of work.  George bought a propane heating system that was a waste of $, the last time I turned it on I got an error message, so I turned it off and never used it again, that was years ago.  I had the furnace worked on years ago and when I turned it on come winter, no heat came out.  I turned it off and just use the wood stove, at least I can count on it, even though it's a lot of work and messy.  It often gets down into the 20s here, and once in a while single digit or teens.  Messy hauling wood and loading the fire, but at least it keeps me warm.

[movingon]

Yes, that was why the smoke ! I booked someone to clean it, John used to take care of it , cleaning and loading it. It is alot of work and very messy and creates dust. When he was bedridden and I became his caregiver it was getting too much for me to constantly lug wood in and bring downstairs. I was almost happy to have taken a break from that work, physically, I can't do alot of lifting because of my disability, but using the baseboard heaters is too expensive. I'm going to have to alternate using the woodstove and electrical heat. That's another thing I'm going to have to work out, if I can handle living here with the work required, winter and summer chores. We have 3 acres we were maintaining, lawns, wheedwhacking, branches, 2 large ponds, he snowblowed the driveway with his tractor, that's been sold...we were constantly doing something on the property. I helped with what I could, but he did alot, now I have to hire people for most of it, so I am a bit overwhelmed with the costs and those changes. I'll figure it out because I love it here and don't want to move. That's why I'm amazed you can do so much especially with your hands. You inspire me Kay.

[Jennifer B]

Hello

I to feel the same way you do. well not really since we all grieve differently, but I am in that place of I just don't care, and I wish I could just die. I lost my husband in August of 22 and his birthday is also in February. He would have been 67. He died of Cancer.  Instead of dealing with his birthday, I went to Vegas, and I plan to be in Scotland on July 4 which is our anniversary. Like being away would solve anything, but it's my way of coping at the moment. I started seeing a therapist when he was diagnosed 2 years prior and since his passing, she has been trying to get me to join support groups. As a matter of fact, she mentioned this one which is why I am on here.   I joined a group called modern widows club a few months back and they have some very interesting groups, online classes you can join and even a widows' conference in St. Louis in September.  I joined their book and travel club.  They meet on zoom every month and so far, every time I plan on getting on one of those zooms, i find some way to not do it.  I do just don't want to deal with anybody, or anything.  I have this idea that it's just not fair for me to have a life, when my husband doesn't anymore.  He had always said that was silly since we all die at some point and life will go on when I die as well.  but it doesn't make it easier.  I also feel the loneliness at times and want to reach out to people and join support groups etc., but i also just don't want to deal with anyone either.   I heard something the other day on a show that stuck with me.  we have two directions we can follow. the first is to let the loss of a loved one break us, or we can go on with our lives and spend it honoring our loved ones in ways that carry on their legacies.  I am still deciding which direction I will follow!

[RichS]

Jennifer B:  My wife of 42 years died a week before your husband. I joined this board two months ago and was very glad that I did! Here, you will find caring, kind, sympathetic people who are grieving, just like you. All of us are here to support and bring comfort to one another. We hope you'll continue to post on this board.

WELCOME!!

[movingon]

5 hours ago, Jennifer B said:

I heard something the other day on a show that stuck with me.  we have two directions we can follow. the first is to let the loss of a loved one break us, or we can go on with our lives and spend it honoring our loved ones in ways that carry on their legacies.  I am still deciding which direction I will follow!

@RichS@LostThomascan't say it any better, they are right. I call this forum a home to my broken heart. The people here have pulled me up so much since that first night I joined. They have become family, you will come to feel that way here as well. I am sorry for your loss, I hope you will choose the second direction.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, maud said:

That's why I'm amazed you can do so much especially with your hands. You inspire me Kay.

TAM sent me some Voltaren and that's about the only thing that helps with my hands, I use it at night only as I'm constantly washing my hands during the day.  You're right, it's a lot of work, but I do what I can and hire help when we have windstorms picking up trees/branches/debris.  It helps I have a good back and legs, if only my hands would work.  I can't even use a regular dog leash on Kodie!  I have one that goes around my middle and make him wear a Halti as he's a puller.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Jennifer B said:

I have this idea that it's just not fair for me to have a life, when my husband doesn't anymore.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have any cause to be here. 

And yet we're still here so have to deal with it the best way we can.  It sounds like you have a full life or are attempting to.  Welcome here!  It helps to come here to read/post regularly, we are like a family, helping each other through this.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Voltaren and that's about the only thing that helps

Ahh yes, my good old friend Voltaren. I use the blue extra strength for my shoulder, knees and lower back. Now that I'm retired I haven't been using it as much, but when I was working I had to rub my back every morning or I couldn't function. Doctor told me to keep rubbing the area until it gets warm, that means it's getting absorbed better. Kay, I'm amazed with the determination you have, God bless you. 

[movingon]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

TAM sent me some Voltaren and that's about the only thing that helps with my hands, I use it at night only

I'm glad that helps with your hands, yes it is all alot of work, it's good you having some help with a few things. I'm fortunate I can cross the road and let the dogs off leash otherwise my neck and shoulders would be done holding onto 2 leashes with them pulling and zig zagging. 

[Deborah_M]

On 3/10/2023 at 4:10 PM, LostThomas said:

Nope, you're not the only one.   I just got back from my walk and it's 53 outside.  I got tired of wearing a hoodie in the house and not getting anything out of it.

 Lost Thomas, it looks like a lot of us on here are living the same way.  Lower the temp in the house, refrigerator looks empty, one meal a day, etc. The only good news I can say about all of this is when the economy collapse we will be a head of the game, might have to teach others how to survive.  What a shame, how did our country get in this shape.  Prayers for everyone

We made it through another weekend.

[Deborah_M]

On 3/10/2023 at 7:41 PM, Boggled said:

Deborah_M,  that's interesting!   My husband was born and raised in Lake Charles, and my MIL from there calls every night.  I lived in Lafayette for 20 years.  I don't mind cold but I can always add more clothing and blankets (I had 4 blankets on my bed this winter).  The heat is going to be something else again but I know I can tolerate that, too, though really I prefer cold to heat.  I DO cook still.  I started out cooking pretty much the same as before my husband departed, pretty creative, but it's going downhill.  I like winter for baking and make "bready" things using the Lahaye no-knead 18-hour method.  Like homemade pizza, meat pies, bread, and I can even make a sort of pastry by folding ghee into the dough as for puff pastry.   I've started talking to myself, saying "thank you, Jennifer, that's really good, Jennifer, oh boy, thanks for making that delicious braid, Jennifer. "  This book I'm reading now, called Seed Time, by Harriet Hodgson, a woman who suffered four family losses (though not her husband) in one year, says talking to yourself is natural and okay!  and you need to monitor what you're talking to yourself about, avoiding the negative/s.  

and I AM thankful for the young cat.  What to do with the kittens though?  Might end up with a whole bunch of cats, all of whom will need to be fixed IMHO.  Been there, done that ... not doing that expanding cat population again!

Boggled:  I talk to myself all the time, even do it out in public, sometimes people answer my question for me.  Some mornings I have to talk myself into getting up even if I don't want to.  One of my dogs comes to me at night and lets me know I have been up to long and she won't leave me alone until I shut down the computer and go to bed.  What a blessing my dogs are love them.

Check with your local vet or animal shelter or even pet store like PetSmart.  Some may have cat adoption centers for cats, or cat rescue places.  I would love to have another cat, but having two dogs to feed and care for is enough, and trying to take a trip somewhere is out of the question because boarding fees are so high.  Good luck with your new purr family.  Hoping you have a good week ~ Deborah

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Gator M said:

My country is dying, our culture is sick, and it's only getting worse.

Oh I get this!  The news...

[Boggled]

18 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

I talk to myself all the time, even do it out in public, sometimes people answer my question for me.  Some mornings I have to talk myself into getting up even if I don't want to.  

Deborah_M, another thing I've been looking at is the phrase "life affirming."  My son arrived unexpectedly a couple days ago, and we watched the movie "Awakening" (with Robin Williams) last night.  I had seen it before with my husband, but this time I noticed it was "hitting me" differently.  It's about a bunch of catatonic patients with Robin Williams as the researcher-doctor caring for this group, who figures out a drug-experiment will bring them back to "life," when most of them have been out of it for 30 or more years;  and one particular man, the first one the drug is tried on, comes to life to the joy of his devoted mother who's been visiting him faithfully for years and years.  When that man starts to go downhill again, it feels tragic, BUT I found myself not seeing the tragedy so much as the wonderfulness ... that he DID get to live, if only for a few weeks, again.  Same for the whole group!  From the researcher-doctor standpoint, too, I was thinking, "take him COMPLETELY OFF the drug and let his body revert to catatonic for 6 or 9 months, THEN give it to him again ... " if he can get another couple weeks of normalcy every, say, 9 months, that's still better than being catatonic ALL the time.  

16 hours ago, Gator M said:

My country is dying, our culture is sick, and it's only getting worse.

yeah, Gator M, and KayC, "the news."  yep.  It kind of melds and merges into the loss-sorrow complex I think.   One person said "typical American do nothing about it," I THINK it's because there is no legal thing we CAN do.  It depends on elections (arrrggghhhhhhh!)  and the veracity of elections (arrrggghhhhh).  I look at what happened to Venezuela.  (arrrrggggghhhhhhh!)

Life - affirming.  All this newish focus on "mindfulness," perceive the moment ... seize the day ... talk to yourSELF, tell yourself how beautiful the blossoming trees, notice all the life-affirming beautiful;  cycle of the seasons and here we are in Glorious Spring!  

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Boggled said:

It depends on elections

And I no longer trust our gov't, a sad state, I've never felt this way until the last few years. 

 

4 hours ago, Boggled said:

talk to yourSELF, tell yourself how beautiful the blossoming trees, notice all the life-affirming beautiful;  cycle of the seasons and here we are in Glorious Spring!  

Yes!  Only we're still smack dab in the middle of winter.

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, @Gator MI'll be praying for you...have some strong coffee!

[Boggled]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm sitting in an airport flying to VA for work and I'm asking why?

I got zero sleep last night and feel awful.  

This was hard before now its the pits.

It does matter.  Grief DOES MATTER.  of course, YOU know that.  I wonder, could VA perceive that grief is very similar to PTSD?   and give you more time off?  They're supposed to be experts.  ... 

[Boggled]

Gator M, for what it's worth, I'm sorry you have to go to work so soon.  

Maybe it will take your mind off of "it."  Possible.  Not likely.  Maybe.  You do need to remember!  This time should be about remembering YOUR life, YOUR love, YOUR loss.  Seems to me.  But you will remember regardless, it's clear.  

C.S. Lewis "The Country of the Blind"  http://www.famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/c__s__lewis/poems/2367.html

"... Do you think this a far-fetched
Picture? Go then about among

"Men now famous; attempt speech on the truths that once,
Opaque, carved in divine forms, irremovable,
Dear but dear as a mountain-
Mass, stood plain to the inward eye."

 

 

[Boggled]

It should be "dread but dear as a mountain-mass."  The internet seems to be full of copies of copies.  and if the original is incorrect it just gets repeated and repeated.  

[Deborah_M]

Gator:  sorry you didn't get much sleep, Wish I could. I have not had a good night sleep sense my husband passed.  Sleep a couple of hours at a time.  Thought about going to doctor to get something to sleep, but prefer not to, so I take organic "sleep" tea, it helps. We all understand how you are feeling, hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

Our medical system is truly BROKEN.  It's a BUISNESS and has NOTHING to do with Health or Care.

The whole insurance industry is a business. Ever notice how we get bombarded with insurance commercials on TV. Some of our premiums go to pay for those commercials, no? I once read that the insurance industry in the U.S. has one of the highest administrative costs for healthcare than most developed countries.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Thought about going to doctor to get something to sleep, but prefer not to, so I take organic "sleep" tea, it helps.

This was me for YEARS!!  I finally got something to help me sleep after years of struggle, commuting 100 miles/day to work and back and trying not to fall asleep at the wheel, struggling for focus on lack of sleep...I'm unapologetic about FINALLY taking a sleep aid!  Someone told me it's not healthy, well neither is lack of sleep long term!  It feels good to sleep. 

13 hours ago, Gator M said:

Our medical system is truly BROKEN.  It's a BUISNESS and has NOTHING to do with Health or Care.  

I am so sorry they decided not to take her case.  You are right, it's all about $ and business, nothing to do with what is right.