Members mySia Posted March 5, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2023 I am filled with guilt. My beautiful cat drowned today in my neighbor's pool. I am angry at myself for not going to look for her immediately after I noticed her missing. I loved her so much. Sia would comfort me every night when she would come and sleep in my arms. I will miss her. I don't know how to continue. Everything around me reminds me of my Baby Girl, my Sisi, my Sia. I don't know how to cope. The guilt is so great. I'm angry because I had just ordered a smart tag for her so I would be able to track her. I just didn't get around to putting it on her. I am angry and feel guilty. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 6, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted March 6, 2023 I am so sorry for your loss. It's the hardest thing in the world to lose your pet. Losing my Arlie and Kitty within 4 1/2 months of each other like to have killed me. Kitty was 25 1/2, Arlie got cancer and was 11 1/2 when he died. I've written about his life and our cancer journey, and also about Kitty's life and having her put to sleep.. You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now... The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs... Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers A Dangerous Villain: GuiltBreaking the Power of GuiltA Dangerous Villain: Guilthttp://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtmlhttp://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mySia Posted March 6, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2023 Thank you. Last night was the first night in 6 yrs I didn't have her with me. I couldn't even sleep in my bed. I wish I knew how to cope. It must have been excruciating to lose both of your pets in such a short period of time. I am sorry 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 7, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted March 7, 2023 It was, and thus began Covid... I haven't slept in my bed since my husband died 18 years ago come Father's Day. It was just a huge empty reminder he's gone, I sleep in our loveseat recliner, it's getting pretty worn out but it's still comfortable. One day at a time, that's how I do it. Or as someone who used to be on the grief group years ago used to say: "One foot in front of the other." I walked a neighbor's dog for ten months after my Arlie died, it helped but he caused me severe hand injuries (a yank and two bites, last one severe) followed by a botched surgery. That ended our walks. I love and miss him too (Joe, a Chow). My son brought me Kodie (miniature Husky...Klee kai) and he's literally saved me. Everyone finds their own way through this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJWCat Posted March 14, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 14, 2023 My heart breaks for you, I am so sorry. I hope you are doing okay. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeeKen Posted March 17, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2023 Hi Sia, So many people grieving. You need to stop blaming yourself just as I am trying to do. I gave my dog a pig ear and next thing you know he jumped on bed and looked at me funny and died in seconds. I thought maybe choking but no signs of it but I feel so guilty. He has had these before as treats so I get how you feel. I’m here to listen. I lost both my dogs within 2 months of each other so anyone to talk to is a blessing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 17, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted March 17, 2023 OMG! A pig's ear?! And he's had them before? I'm very protective about what I give my Kodie, he's very food driven but small, my neighbor gives her Husky everything and I'm so afraid Kodie will get something she has out in the yard as they literally throw garbage out there.. My heart goes out to you in your loss. The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs... Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers A Dangerous Villain: GuiltBreaking the Power of GuiltA Dangerous Villain: Guilthttp://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtmlhttp://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mySia Posted March 17, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2023 10 hours ago, LeeKen said: Hi Sia, So many people grieving. You need to stop blaming yourself just as I am trying to do. I gave my dog a pig ear and next thing you know he jumped on bed and looked at me funny and died in seconds. I thought maybe choking but no signs of it but I feel so guilty. He has had these before as treats so I get how you feel. I’m here to listen. I lost both my dogs within 2 months of each other so anyone to talk to is a blessing. It's so difficult. I feel your pain. I wish I could say it will go away, I wish the emptiness will no longer be there but reality it doesn't. We have to learn to live every day differently. It's hard. I just want to hold my Sia in my arms but it will never happen again. I can only imagine it but then when I think of her the pain just comes back. I am sorry you are feeling this sadness. I would hug you and we would cry together and maybe share stories about our babies. Be strong and move on. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeeKen Posted March 17, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2023 10 hours ago, mySia said: It's so difficult. I feel your pain. I wish I could say it will go away, I wish the emptiness will no longer be there but reality it doesn't. We have to learn to live every day differently. It's hard. I just want to hold my Sia in my arms but it will never happen again. I can only imagine it but then when I think of her the pain just comes back. I am sorry you are feeling this sadness. I would hug you and we would cry together and maybe share stories about our babies. Be strong and move on. On 3/6/2023 at 5:10 AM, KayC said: I am so sorry for your loss. It's the hardest thing in the world to lose your pet. Losing my Arlie and Kitty within 4 1/2 months of each other like to have killed me. Kitty was 25 1/2, Arlie got cancer and was 11 1/2 when he died. I've written about his life and our cancer journey, and also about Kitty's life and having her put to sleep.. You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now... The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs... Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers A Dangerous Villain: GuiltBreaking the Power of GuiltA Dangerous Villain: Guilthttp://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtmlhttp://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace. 10 hours ago, mySia said: It's so difficult. I feel your pain. I wish I could say it will go away, I wish the emptiness will no longer be there but reality it doesn't. We have to learn to live every day differently. It's hard. I just want to hold my Sia in my arms but it will never happen again. I can only imagine it but then when I think of her the pain just comes back. I am sorry you are feeling this sadness. I would hug you and we would cry together and maybe share stories about our babies. Be strong and move on. I wish I could hug whoever is going through these difficult times of loss and grief. I really appreciate the replies I have received so far. Not sure why though I cannot reply directly to some of them. 11 hours ago, KayC said: OMG! A pig's ear?! And he's had them before? I'm very protective about what I give my Kodie, he's very food driven but small, my neighbor gives her Husky everything and I'm so afraid Kodie will get something she has out in the yard as they literally throw garbage out there.. My heart goes out to you in your loss. The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs... Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers A Dangerous Villain: GuiltBreaking the Power of GuiltA Dangerous Villain: Guilthttp://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtmlhttp://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeeKen Posted March 17, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2023 Yeah I am not really sure. The more I have read and more people I have talked to they said it sounds like an aneurysm or stroke. It was very quick. It’s hard not to beat yourself up. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. All we can do is be there for each other. Stay close to family and friends that love us. I hate that put in your stomach though. And then sometimes you feel the walls are closing in at times. Just keep moving forward and taking one day at a time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 18, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted March 18, 2023 One day at a time is part of my tips article I wrote ten years after my husband died. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted March 18, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 18, 2023 22 hours ago, LeeKen said: Yeah I am not really sure. The more I have read and more people I have talked to they said it sounds like an aneurysm or stroke. It was very quick. It’s hard not to beat yourself up. I don’t know if this will be of any comfort, but we suddenly lost my soulmate in a dog Charlie Bear (a Keeshond) to a pulmonary embolism. One minute, he was asking to go out to go potty and the next, my husband was carrying him into the house saying, “Something’s wrong. Call the vet.” I put him on my lap in the car and we took him over immediately (less than 10 minutes drive). The vet did what she could, but about 10 minutes later, he was gone. Just like that and so shocking. He was going on 15 years old, but had been doing well and was overall healthy at the time. We will never know exactly what happened. His vet said there is almost never any warning for something like that. Of course, we spent weeks convinced we should have seen or known. The reality is that we couldn’t have saved him. Yet, I felt a tremendous sense of guilt that I, personally, had failed him because he was our responsibility and we were his family. It is very difficult, impossible really, not to feel like that at first. Our hearts are shattered with such deep grief and are desperately seeking a “why” and a different outcome. It’s hard to hear, I know, but what you are feeling is so typical that it seems almost universal. Mostly, I want you to know that you are not alone and I am so very sorry you lost your beloved sweetheart. Some people do not understand the bond of love we have with our special animal companions. The members here do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeeKen Posted April 19, 2023 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2023 Thank you so much for this! Sorry I have not been on here. Things been so crazy lately. I just am so thankful to have people like you respond to people who are in need and hurting. I hope you are doing okay as well. All we can do is take one day at a time. It’s been a couple months now from losing my second doggie. Struggling a bit especially when the winter by me has been so terribly long. If you need a shoulder to lean on reach out! I will try to check this more again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MMEP Posted May 5, 2023 Members Report Share Posted May 5, 2023 I’m sorry to hear of your loss. We’ve recently lost our cat, Milo. He was only a couple of months older than 8 years and was hit by a car. The car didn’t stop, a car behind saw it happen and swore he didn’t suffer. They took him in over night put him in a basket with a blanket and took him to the vets the next day. we rescued him and his sister. I feel so guilty, even though there’s nothing we could do. I used to tell him I’d never let anything happen to him, and I can’t stop thinking of the ‘what ifs’. We used to get him in every night, but he didn’t come in this night. (He had stayed out on warm evenings and show up at a window meowing in the early hours - this time he didn’t). I moved out 2.5 years ago now, and have my own two indoor cats. But I still felt so attached even though I didn’t see him as much as I wish I did in the final 2/3 years. it’s not your fault what happened, just know that. If you could have saved Sia you would have, just as I would have taken the hit from the car for Milo. That’s why we grieve so hard, because they’re family. It doesn’t make it easier though, but I think in time you learn to deal with it. I haven’t been through loss in a long time, and forgot how much it hurts. I’ll never forget Milo, and I miss him every minute of every day. The thing I struggle most with, is I can’t help but feel he was taken too young and it wasn’t natural. Someone (who we’ve been told we driving fast (over the speed limit) and always does around there) has taken our precious boy. Milo was on his way home too. I hope you cope and time helps you. Our cats will never be forgotten and we gave them such loving homes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 6, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted May 6, 2023 @MMEP I am so sorry for your loss! How long ago did this happen? I feel as you, like eight is way too young. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you found your way here, it helps to give voice and audience to it, we're listening and caring here... Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers A Dangerous Villain: GuiltBreaking the Power of GuiltA Dangerous Villain: Guilthttp://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtmlhttp://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.htmlhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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