Saturdays will be sadness days.

[WithoutHer]

It's a little after 4pm my time and about the time 3 weeks ago I got the phone that you had gone into cardiac arrest. They were working to resuscitation you but that I should get there right away. On my way your daughter rang my phone letting me know they had called her. They had told her you were resuscitated but not doing well. She told me she had an early morning flight here from Alabama and she had a room booked close to our apartment.

Meanwhile I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at the hospital but I had horrible feeling in my gut.

When I arrived in ICU at your bedside I could see you breathing with respirator assistance but I knew you were already gone. My last memory of you is always going to be that last hour sitting there holding your hand, not knowing if you knew I was there, while you took your last breath. I don't want that memory to go through me every Saturday. I'm dehydrating myself with all the tears I've shed since that evening.

I go each day with a feeling I'm sure many here are living with. It's that this just can't be real feeling. Knowing how real it is, yet a constant anticipation that it's going to change. 

I know like everyone here it's not going to change and somehow I have to get along without you. I lived alone twice after my 2 divorces and was just fine on my own. But this is just to difficult for me to handle.

I know you wouldn't want me to be feeling like this and I promise I am trying to accept the future that is without you but I need purpose to do that. Finding my purpose without you is a difficult task.

[Gail 8588]

@WithoutHer

I am so sorry for your loss. 

Welcome to our group.  None of us ever dreamed we would be in this virtual extended family of grievers, but here we are.  It is amazing how much comfort and support we get and give to each other. 

I hope you will find some comfort here. You are not alone. 

Gail

[RichS]

4 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Finding my purpose without you is a difficult task.

I'm sure I'm not alone on this quote. This has to be one of the most challenging tasks to overcome when grieving the loss of your spouse or significant other.

[WithoutHer]

@RichS Thank you for that acknowledgement. Yes it is because so much of my purpose after retirement was completely about her.

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I lived alone twice after my 2 divorces and was just fine on my own. But this is just to difficult for me to handle.

I have lived alone in a 23 year marriage.  I lived alone before and after that loveless marriage.  But having George changed all that, he was my person, and I his.  Losing him was quite different...I was okay alone before, but after having your person, it is quite different.  Because you're not missing nothingness, you're miss a real and viable being, that person that meant the world to you.

[Sparky1]

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

@RichS Thank you for that acknowledgement. Yes it is because so much of my purpose after retirement was completely about her.

 

First of all, my sincere condolences on the loss of your wife. My wife was counting down the years and months for my retirement as I had promised her that we would do more travelling. I looked forward to it to spend more time with her, just me and her with no cares. She didn't get to see me retire. She missed it by a year and a half, and thankfully for me my union allowed me to retire at 61, but for me it's bittersweet. What good is it being home alone with a dog, not having her by my side? We always promised each other that we would grow old together and be there for each other. Fate threw a wrench in our plans and now my world is shattered.

Hopefully you can find comfort among us and some support to console you with your loss.

 

[movingon]

21 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

I can't see the future now and I've decided, for now, not to care about it.   It's going to be one day at a time, in a changed life until I finish the race.

I needed to hear that today. I was just in the midst of self pity, fear and sadness. Hours ago I was thinking of the future and decided I'd stick it out where I am living. Minutes ago I was thinking of the future and decided maybe I should move closer to my sister and the city, it's not the life I want but the loneliness was overwhelming me. Then I read your post and decided....yes, stop it, stop thinking of the future and just deal with one day at a time. I found that rope, once again, and pulled myself up. I have to, I just have to, I can do it. I'm getting rope burns with the constant slipping and pulling. How much suffering can one person endure God? How much? I asked. I'm going to wait for an answer. Just wait and plow through.

[WithoutHer]

44 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

   I can't see the future now and I've decided, for now, not to care about it.   It's going to be one day at a time, in a changed life until I finish the race.

Thomas I feel exactly the same. If I didn't have our pets to care for I would have nothing at all in my future. Retired, my soulmate gone, nothing in any given day to look forward to what is there left to care about? Oh yes they will say I need to take care of myself but myself is now such an empty shell.

[Gail 8588]

I am very familiar with: that empty shell feeling, no emotional connection to the world, unable to feel like anything matters anymore.  

It is a terrible existence.  

I was there for several years.   I hope that it helps you to know that life is not like that for me anymore.  I feel all sorts of emotions now. Of course sometimes I am sad, but I also feel happy, silly, proud and every other emotion now. 

Keep getting through today, even though it seems pointless, and one day you will find that it no longer feels pointless.  It will feel like you made a difference in something again. 

Gail

[WithoutHer]

Thank you for the hope. I am having an exceptionally bad day. My eyes are filled with tears as I type this.

[movingon]

Yes she left before noon. Then I had my breakdown. Not because she left, we actually managed to talk, well I managed to talk about HOW THIS IS A LIVING HELL. I don't know that talking about it to her helped. Helped her understand better, but it made me see my life in glowing neon which didn't help, hence the breakdown. Once I got onto this site and read..and read...and then continued my day puttering and chores, I'm feeling better.Exhausted but better. Oh yes, I'm going to wait Thomas. Waiting together is even better. Everybody...back on the raft, plug the holes and keep going and waiting...

[movingon]

Gail, it's very important reading that, it's the posts from those of you that are further down the road in your loss  that bring a gleam of hope and relief. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, LostThomas said:

It's going to be one day at a time, in a changed life until I finish the race.

This sounds much like how I handle this.  But also in that one day at a time, I look for good in each day.

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Keep getting through today, even though it seems pointless, and one day you will find that it no longer feels pointless.  It will feel like you made a difference in something again. 

This is key to hold onto.  What I'm encouraging the one who discontinued their antidepressants to keep in mind...

 

11 hours ago, maud said:

Everybody...back on the raft, plug the holes and keep going and waiting..

Don't lose sight of the hope, we have to have hope in our lives.