So...it's my birthday

[Carol34]

Today is my birthday.  My 65th here on earth, and the second one without my sweet husband, Paul.  It doesn't feel possible that he's been gone almost a year and a half. 

So I woke up this morning (after another restless night) to two text messages.  One from my brother and one from my younger sister.  My older sister emailed me to tell me she can't call me today (she lives in Canada and takes care of her husband who has Parkinson's, so I get it).  And one of my grandkids texted me a little while ago.  I've actually made a couple of friends at the grief support group, and one of those nice ladies sent me a text too.  But her best friend's mom passed away last night, so she apologized for texting and not calling, but she has to be with her friend.  And I get that too.  My daughter, who lives on the west coast had surgery yesterday, so she's recovering at home, and probably won't call.  And...I get that that too.  My son, his wife, and my youngest granddaughter will be over later.  They always bring dinner on Saturday.

Birthdays have never been something I make a big deal over.  Paul and I didn't even buy each other gifts.  But, his birthday is exactly 4 weeks after mine, and our anniversary was between them.  So March is a rough month for me. 

What bothers me is my younger sister, who keeps calling me and trying to cheer me up.  She doesn't say that, but she talks in a syrupy sweet voice, and keeps saying things like, "It's your special day!"  and "You should celebrate!" 

I don't want to celebrate.  I just want to get this day (and the subsequent month) over with.  I cannot stand when someone tells me how I should feel!

[Gail 8588]

Cmp34,

I understand how intensely irritating that can be.

2 hours ago, cmp34 said:

. . .  she talks in a syrupy sweet voice, and keeps saying things like, "It's your special day!"  and "You should celebrate!" 

. . . 

It feels like you are being burned at the stake and friends are remarking "but isn't it a lovely, sunny day." 

During my early years of grief, I often felt like screaming at people when they were trying to be upbeat and encouraging to me.  I didn't scream at them.  I just got away as quickly as I could. 

Of course they were just trying to be kind and supportive. They didn't deserve to be screamed at. But they had no clue how their words seemed to invalidate the overwhelming truth of what I was actually  feeling.

For now, March is just a month for you to get through (hopefully without screaming at people).  Just get through the month the best that you can.  What you feel is okay, whatever it is.

Gail

 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, cmp34 said:

Birthdays have never been something I make a big deal over.  Paul and I didn't even buy each other gifts.  But, his birthday is exactly 4 weeks after mine, and our anniversary was between them.  So March is a rough month for me. 

Oh gosh, that makes it harder, IMO.  It's one emotional blow after another.  My "days" are a little like that.  Our anniversary is in late June and John was in the hospital for our last one together.  Then, his death day less than 2 weeks later.  My 60th birthday was 3 weeks after he died and his birthday is just over 2 weeks after mine.  The first 2 years it felt like I was sidestepping landmines for all those days/weeks in between.

I'm so sorry.  I'd wish you a Happy Birthday, but I understand that there's very little happy about it.  Instead, I will simply send you virtual hugs and comfort for this day and all the hard days to come.  (As an aside, I will turn 65 this summer and it feels kind of strange.  I've already been getting the fake "Medicare" phone calls and all sorts of literature in the mail, now that I'll be officially "old," apparently.)

7 hours ago, cmp34 said:

What bothers me is my younger sister, who keeps calling me and trying to cheer me up.  She doesn't say that, but she talks in a syrupy sweet voice, and keeps saying things like, "It's your special day!"  and "You should celebrate!"

Argh!!! Maybe ask her, "Celebrate what, exactly?" or remind her that "your special day" isn't because your love is not here with you.  You could also just shut her down and tell her to knock it off, that you understand she's trying to help, but what she's doing is hurting you.  And that syrupy sweet voice you mention...yuck.  So demeaning, so condescending, and so inappropriate.

You will be in my thoughts and heart tonight.

[KayC]

Gail and Annie have already said perfect responses, I only join in with my sentiments...I understand your feelings and I hope you did tell her the day is not the same because your love isn't here to share in it.

I came here too early for this post, the rest of the day shoveling snow again...but you're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm glad by now the day is over with.  Thinking of you.

[Carol34]

On 3/5/2023 at 6:28 AM, KayC said:

Gail and Annie have already said perfect responses, I only join in with my sentiments...I understand your feelings and I hope you did tell her the day is not the same because your love isn't here to share in it.

I came here too early for this post, the rest of the day shoveling snow again...but you're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm glad by now the day is over with.  Thinking of you.

I did tell her that that my birthday (or any day for that matter) is not the same without Paul.  She says she understands, but I'm not sure she does.  She'll say things like, "Well, I'm alone on my birthday too, if that makes you feel any better."  She's alone because she kicked two husbands out of the house.  It's not the same, and I keep telling her that too. 

After a lot of thought, I've realized that as hard as it is, I'm going to have to accept her for who she is,  try to ignore the comments that always turn the attention back to her instead of focusing on what I'm needing at the moment,  and just realize she's never going to change. 

An update on the actual birthday...The early part of the day was spent answering text messages and phone calls.  Then my son, his wife, and my two granddaughters came over.  We ordered pizza, and they brought pie and ice cream (I'm not a cake person).  We watched my favorite college basketball team, the Xavier Musketeers, play their last home game...which they won (just for me, I'm sure), and played board games when the basketball game was over.  It was exactly what I needed!

[KayC]

Oh @cmp34I am so glad to hear it!

[Mojo]

On 3/15/2023 at 10:32 AM, Carol34 said:

I did tell her that that my birthday (or any day for that matter) is not the same without Paul.  She says she understands, but I'm not sure she does.  She'll say things like, "Well, I'm alone on my birthday too, if that makes you feel any better."  She's alone because she kicked two husbands out of the house.  It's not the same, and I keep telling her that too. 

After a lot of thought, I've realized that as hard as it is, I'm going to have to accept her for who she is,  try to ignore the comments that always turn the attention back to her instead of focusing on what I'm needing at the moment,  and just realize she's never going to change. 

An update on the actual birthday...The early part of the day was spent answering text messages and phone calls.  Then my son, his wife, and my two granddaughters came over.  We ordered pizza, and they brought pie and ice cream (I'm not a cake person).  We watched my favorite college basketball team, the Xavier Musketeers, play their last home game...which they won (just for me, I'm sure), and played board games when the basketball game was over.  It was exactly what I needed!

First, I’m very sorry for your loss.

To your point - I wouldn’t hold it against anyone who didn’t exactly “get” what you are having to deal with emotionally. They absolutely do not understand, though they like to think they do. We are a special group that have experienced things we would never want our family and friends - or our worst enemies - to have to deal with.

One of my best buddies told me that he understood what I was going through because of how he felt when his father passed 30 years previously.

Uh, no, sorry. It’s not remotely close to losing the love of your life, wife of 25 years, lover, confidant, best friend.

But I don’t harbor any ill feelings towards him. He’s still a good friend. He just doesn’t get it.

What we have to realize is that the people in our lives want to empathize with us, but most have no frame of reference regarding our loss. They haven’t had to deal with what we have.

So, I give those people a break. They mean well, but just don’t realize how tone deaf they may appear to us.

Maybe give your little sister some grace. I’m sure she means well. Just doesn’t get what you’ve been through. How could she?

Peace to you.

 

[KayC]

But neither do we want to invalidate how it makes her feel, if she can't talk about that here, where can she?  I'm sure she's not holding it against her or she wouldn't be talking to her!  My family cared, but no way did they "get it."  Years later they still have their spouses.

[Carol34]

Thank you KayC.

[Carol34]

2 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I frankly do not know when, on any occasion, I might feel like celebrating.   My loss was so deep I just can't envision an emotional state that would allow that.   I realize it doesn't say much about my state of mind.  But that's where I'm at now.

Thomas, I'm 17 months into this part of my life.  The only celebrating I do is for my grandkids.  When they accomplish something, I'm there for them, cheering them on.  But in my heart, I know that their Paw-Paw should be sitting next to me, cheering louder than anyone else in the stands (he was famous for that!). 

The rest of my days, I just muddle through.  I wake up, make the bed, turn on the TV (for noise), making sure that it's not on a channel that shows news or talk shows, take a shower, then make a list of household chores, paperwork, phone calls, etc. that need to be accomplished that day.  Some days I answer the phone.  Other days, I ignore it.  I rarely leave the house, except on Tuesdays when I pick my granddaughter up from school, or on Mondays when I go to the grocery store. 

I still cry a lot, but only when I'm alone.  Although, I did break down in tears in the grocery store last week when I saw a display of Budweiser.  Several times a day, I'll get what I call "a feeling of impending doom" and I have no idea why.  People say that sleeping is their escape from this.  I wish I could sleep.  I usually get one good night's sleep a week, and I think it's because I'm exhausted from not sleeping the previous 6 nights.  I hide all of this very well when my family comes to visit, or when I talk to people on the phone.

I don't think I'll ever feel "normal" again.  And there's a part of me that doesn't want to.  I'd feel like I was dishonoring him.