How to respond to an invitation to an upcoming wedding...I can use some input.

[Carol34]

I have posted here before, but I'm not a frequent poster.  I read a lot of the posts though, and I have gotten some very helpful information and suggestions from people here.

So, the quick background story is that my sweet, wonderful husband/best friend of 20 years passed away in Oct of 2021.  Before he died, his family was our entire social circle (dinners, ball games, etc).  They treated me like family, and I always felt that I was loved  by them.  When Paul was in Hospice, they were there every day.  But as soon as he was gone, so were they.  No calls, no texts, no Christmas cards.  None of them (he had 6 brothers and a sister, several nieces and nephews) have been to see me.  Even his daughter, who I raised, only comes over on Christmas, and doesn't keep in touch at all during the year.

A few weeks ago I got a "Save the Date" email, letting me know that one of the nephews is getting married.   As soon as I saw it, I knew I could not go.  I cannot imagine being around all of his relatives, celebrating something he would have loved to attend, by myself.  I keep thinking that if they had continued to keep in touch, I might feel differently.   But there are some other things to consider:

-The wedding is 2 hours away, with the ceremony in the afternoon, then the reception in the evening.  I don't like to drive on the highway, and can't see to drive at night.

-The bride specified what style and color of dress to wear.  I don't own anything like it, or the shoes to go with it, and I'm BARELY making it on Social Security.

-My anxiety has ramped up ever since I got the invitation.  One of the grief counselors at the group I attend reminded me that I don't have to do anything just because I think other people would want me to.  I have to do what's comfortable for me.

So...as you can see, I've decided not to go.  And I'm not looking for the other side of the debate.  What I want to know is this:  Would you send them a card, letting them know this, or just reply "will not be attending"  to the email.  And, what would you say in the card without sounding like, "me me me"?

Sorry this got so wordy.  It's just causing me so much stress.

 

[Gail 8588]

Cmp34,

I would send a card and be as gracious and loving as I could muster.

I would say I appreciate their including me in their wedding celebration.  That I will be thinking of them at the time of their wedding with joy.  That I wish them all the happiness I had with my dear husband.

I think it is totally okay for you to chose not to attend.  But I would not put any negativity into your reply to this young couple just starting out their life together. Just send loving thoughts. 

Just my humble opinion. 

Gail

[DWS]

1 hour ago, cmp34 said:

-My anxiety has ramped up ever since I got the invitation.  One of the grief counselors at the group I attend reminded me that I don't have to do anything just because I think other people would want me to.  I have to do what's comfortable for me.

Your grief counselor is absolutely right and so, as you say, there is no other side of the debate. I imagine much of your anxiety is just being reconnected to your husband's side of the family and memories after so many months of not only their silence but also your comfort in that. 

And Gail is spot on...decline the invitation but wish the young couple all the happiness that you fondly have had. 

[RichS]

I agree with Gail and DWS. Respectfully decline and wish them well. Given your financial situation, having the bride asking her guests to wear a special color dress plus the shoes to go with it seems a little out of place on her part.

[Carol34]

Thanks everyone. 

I do wish them all the happiness that we had during our marriage.  And of course I would never say anything negative to them, or in the card I'm sending. 

The feelings I would have if I chose to attend would be a jumble of emotions.  I'd be happy for them (they really are a lovely couple), but I'm still hurting from the loss of my husband...and the loss of his family.  Also, he was very close to his nephew when he was young, so I'd be thinking about how much Paul would have loved to see him get married.

Anyway, thank you all for saying what I probably knew all along.

By the way, at my last grief support group meeting, I mentioned this topic.  A woman who was there for the first time told me that I was wrong, and that I shouldn't avoid things.  The counselor put a quick stop to that!

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, RichS said:

Given your financial situation, having the bride asking her guests to wear a special color dress plus the shoes to go with it seems a little out of place on her part.

This seems to be a growing trend where the bride expects (demands) that guests dress in specific styles and colors.  There are countless online stories of bride insisting that bridesmaids and other wedding party members cut/dye their hair, pay for extensions, lose weight to be a specific size (never mind reality), be the same height (one woman related how she was expected to find, buy, and wear 9 inch heels because she was 5'2", the tallest bridesmaid was 5'11", and the bride wanted everyone to be exactly the same height; I'm surprised the bride didn't tell the tallest bridesmaid to lop off a few inches), and even wear colored contact lenses so the bride's "fantasy vision" is fulfilled.  One bride apparently told her female guests not to wear makeup so that no one would "outshine" her or take away from her being beautiful that day.  She went so far as to include similar demands for staff of the vendors she hired and wanted the caterer to force his staff to buy new uniforms just for her "special day."  Disgusting.

These are the same brides who don't want just a shower and a regular bachelorette party, but an engagement party, a "we picked the date" celebration, a shower, a week long bachelorette vacation, and a destination wedding.  Then the bride will choose $1000 bridesmaid dresses with another $500 in accessories, plus a couple of hundred for professional hair and makeup.   Of course, as the bride she expects to not have to pay for anything.  Imagine telling your friends that they don't love you if they won't cough up $10,000 to be part of your wedding.  Sheesh.

That's now branching out into telling guests not just the expected attire such as semi formal, cocktail, or black tie, but expecting them to go out and spend hundreds on an outfit that must meet exact specifications.  I don't care how much or little money someone has, they should never be told to wear a specific style and color and type of shoes and jewelry, hair style, etc.

For that reason alone, I'd send a "Sorry, I won't be attending.  I wish you the best on your wedding day and a long and happy marriage like I was blessed to have" card and call it a day.

@cmp34  The family's desertion of you is sickening, but sadly, seems all too common.  They either feel obligated to invite you, but don't really care (I'm sorry that sounds harsh) or they're looking for a gift or both.  You owe them nothing and have made the right choice.  There's no reason for you to be as cruel as they have been.  Your response is gracious and kind, IMO.

[Gail 8588]

@foreverhis

Annie,

I hear how upset you are about unreasonable wedding invitation  demands.  I'm wondering if this is a California thing, or  2 percenters (top 2% in wealth).  I have never heard of any such requests for weddings here in Tallahassee.  During Covid there was a trend towards small and quite economical weddings, but they have grown back to prepandemic size now. 

Anyway, just wanted you to know down here wedding invitations don't come with such instructions.  

Gail

[KayC]

18 hours ago, cmp34 said:

can't see to drive at night.

There is your out.

14 hours ago, cmp34 said:

A woman who was there for the first time told me that I was wrong, and that I shouldn't avoid things.  The counselor put a quick stop to that!

Wow!  Just wow.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

The family's desertion of you is sickening

Pure and simple.  And Annie, I love your whole response! (lop off a few inches, ha!)

[AJ4]

I would send a card "Congratulations on your wedding" and say nothing about yourself.   Also for the RSVP, you don't have to explain and I think it is better not to.  Just "I won't be able to make it" with some best wishes perhaps.  

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

@foreverhis

Annie,

I hear how upset you are about unreasonable wedding invitation  demands.  I'm wondering if this is a California thing, or  2 percenters (top 2% in wealth).  I have never heard of any such requests for weddings here in Tallahassee.  During Covid there was a trend towards small and quite economical weddings, but they have grown back to prepandemic size now. 

Anyway, just wanted you to know down here wedding invitations don't come with such instructions.  

Gail

Actually, the stories I have read online (kind of a sick guilty pleasure, I suppose) have been from all over the country and even internationally.  And often they are told by people of modest means who are torn between being angry/upset and not wanting to let down someone they call family or friend.

It is definitely not specifically a California or big city coastal thing. It often seems to come from a sense of entitlement from brides whose parents are paying for the wedding itself and who have spoiled their children. That knows no borders or boundaries.

In the Bay Area, where only a small fraction of people have plenty of money, I know of only one couple like that who were not friends of ours.

The family wedding I attended last year, the couple listed “semi formal” with a request not to wear sage green as that was the color scheme of the wedding and the wedding party’s attire. That was it. And this is a young couple whose parents are of decent income and were paying for most of the wedding. The couple are in moderately high paying careers, but are “savers” and live rather modestly.

I had a black skirt and both black and  teal tops that finally fit again, so I called my sister-by-choice (the groom’s mom) and asked about black with a pretty, multicolor sheer crocheted open jacket I had found. Was the bride okay with that much black underneath? The bride happened to be in the room at the time and basically said it sounded perfect and very pretty. Turned out that at least half the women there, all ages, were dressed similarly. Then again, this is a young woman who is secure in herself and a couple who didn’t want to break anyone’s budget, but just wanted to celebrate their union. It wasn’t a “theatrical presentation.”

Of course, the reason I wouldn’t have missed it for the world was that the groom is part of our chosen family and had been very close to John and me, remaining part of my life even 4 hours away. When he sought me out again at the reception, he enveloped me in a huge hug and somewhat hoarsely said, “I am so glad you are here. I love you,” his unspoken words were that he wished John was there too. We both teared up a little.  I know how special and sometimes rare that is.

OTOH, if my own brother and his wife did some sort of vow renewal or big anniversary deal, I would send a congratulations card along with a nice note. He hasn’t been part of my or John’s life in a decade.

People are weird. Then again, we already know that!

[Carol34]

Thanks again everyone.  I am working on what I'll write in the card.  I have a notepad that has a lot of things written and scratched out.  But I think I'm going with this:

"Although I will not be able to be with you on your wedding day, I wish you an amazing amount of joy and happiness in your life together."

Or something close to that.

By the way, the "save the date" was an email.  This was new to me!  It required you to download an app so you can "keep up to date on the couple, read their love story,  and RSVP."  Oh...it apparently allows you to send them money to pay for their honeymoon (the only gift on their "registry.")

 

[foreverhis]

@cmp34 Your note sounds just right.

[Carol34]

1 minute ago, foreverhis said:

@cmp34 Your note sounds just right.

Thank you!

[KayC]

Yes, glad that is behind you!

[widower2]

On 3/4/2023 at 1:35 PM, foreverhis said:

It is definitely not specifically a California or big city coastal thing. It often seems to come from a sense of entitlement from brides whose parents are paying for the wedding itself and who have spoiled their children. That knows no borders or boundaries.

Emphasis mine. IMO that sums it up (well said as always fh) and at the risk of being tagged an old man "get off my lawn" guy (not that I care), it is far more so among younger generations, as it has become all the rage to spoil children rotten by cowardly, selfish parents too afraid to practice (or even to comprehend the importance of) tough love. 

cmp, I think you're handling it fine, and frankly I can't believe the gall of someone telling you what to wear even though you're not in the wedding party. That alone would have tempted me to show up in a t-shirt and swim trunks, but that's me.    Best to you

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

That alone would have tempted me to show up in a t-shirt and swim trunks, but that's me.

Well…now I have the image of me doing something similar in my head!😂

I wouldn’t, but it feels good to imagine it.

 I think @cmp34 handled it perfectly. The nerve of some people!

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

IMO that sums it up (well said as always fh)

Thank you. Coming from a fellow writer that’s a real compliment.

 I can’t help but wonder if social media is part of the problem. People wanting to post every moment of their perfect, fantasy lives. It’s as if we’ve become a world of image over substance and reality. Not everyone, of course. Not even most people, but enough that just living day to day seems to be a competition and those involved all expect to be the star.

As I recollect on last year’s wedding and then spending time with the couple this last visit, what I remember and see is the love and contentment they have for and with each other. That shined through on their wedding day and still does. No amount of perfect fantasy could top that.

And they’re young by today’s averages. Met freshman year of college; dating seriously by junior year; got through a year’s separation when he took an important internship (first job) in another state; engaged at 24; married at 25. I even said as much to our daughter about how young they are. She replied in a perfectly deadpan voice, “And you were how old when you married daddy?” Oops…I was 25.😆

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

That alone would have tempted me to show up in a t-shirt and swim trunks, but that's me.

You are so funny!  But you sound like me sometimes...scary, I know!

[widower2]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 I can’t help but wonder if social media is part of the problem.

https://www.holestudies.com/day-albert-einstein-feared-has-come-greatest-fear-of-technology-surpassing-human-interaction

Technology definitely hasn't helped, esp the internet and how this is inherently such a limited, even hollow, form of communication...but sadly, younger generations don't get it as it's all they've known...

 

 

15 hours ago, KayC said:

You are so funny!  But you sound like me sometimes...scary, I know!

You are the one who should be scared!  

[Carol34]

I've been MIA for a couple of weeks...again.  But I popped in this morning, and was reading the new replies.

First of all, I love the "t-shirt and swim trunks" comment!  I honestly hope someone does something similar.  Even if they just show up with a bright yellow dress with huge red poppies on it, I think someone needs to make that statement.

And I do agree that there is a sense of entitlement to a lot of younger people (hey...I'm 65!  I can call most people younger!).  When I got married the first time...in 1978, we had a very small wedding.  The "rehearsal dinner" was cold cuts and potato salad in my mom's living room.  The "reception" was a potluck in the church social room.  We moved into an old house that was dirt cheap, and furnished it with whatever was offered to us by relatives and friends.  Nothing matched, and several pieces should have been in the dump instead of our house, but it was our place.  When I married Paul, it was in the mayor's office, and the only people there were my kids. We furnished our house with odds and ends from his place and mine, and filled in the gaps with garage sale finds.  And now, all these years later, nothing matches in my house!  But I like it.  The young couples (20's and 30's) that I know now want to move into "luxury apartments" with granite counter tops and top of the line fixtures.  They buy only new furniture, and make it look like pictures they see on Instagram.  I would hate to see their credit card statements!

Again, thank you all for your input!

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I'm 65!  I can call most people younger!

Yep, but not me, I'm 70!

We got married at a chapel, my own sister didn't even come, but my younger one did, she was great and her daughter played the piano (Wedding March) for us.  My mom tried to ruin the day (as usual) by signing as witness forcing me to choose between my kids, when I'd already asked them to be our witnesses.   But in spite of others we had a great day, we were married and the relief on our faces (we'd felt the universe would try to stop us!) was evident!

It's not the charade or spread you put on, it's what it means to the two of you!

(And I'm with you on starting life out in debt and all for show.)

[Gail 8588]

CMP4 and Kay,

I completely agree with both of you, and I am sure many others on here, that many young people have, in my opinion, totally unrealistic expectations for their weddings and for their first homes.  Trying to meet these crazy expectations puts these young people (sometimes their parents too) in huge debt.  

I sometimes watch the Home Buying TV shows and there will be these newlyweds or engaged couples looking for their first home and they want McMansions with all the most expensive upgrades in houses in perfect condition. It is insane. 

Their mortgage will be huge. They undoubtedly don't have 20% to put down, so they will have PMI also. They want vaulted ceilings (expensive to heat and cool). The big houses and yards will take so much time and effort to clean and maintain.  And on and on and on. 

You look at them and you know they will be in foreclosure in 2 years and will struggle to get out of debt all their lives. 

The first house we bought was a fixer-upper that we paid $7,000.  Even back in 1979 that was cheap.  They were basically selling the lot for a builder to tear down and build new.  But we fixed it up, paid off our tiny mortgage, lived happily (but cramped)  there for 3.5 years and sold it for $25,000 (which was still cheap for a house.)  That gave us a down payment on our next house, moving money and a nest egg of savings. 

Half the fun of starting your life together is making do, doing without, but pulling together to make it work. 

Young people are under so much social pressure to appear to be doing well - wearing the latest fashions, vacationing in exotic places, dining out all the time, living in beautiful homes. It is an impossible bar to meet for most. 

Gail

[Gail 8588]

Gator M, 

I completely agree. 

Having all that debt/ stress is terrible for  your actual relationship with spouse, children and friends.

My son is getting married this summer. I am reminding him of these things. 

Gail

[Carol34]

I thought I'd update everyone on this topic.  This morning, I received the actual invitation (again, this was through email, which to an old lady like me, seems very impersonal).  Anyway, I had decided that I was waiting until the invitation (not the "save the date" arrived before I sent my RSVP.  When I read the invitation, the words just came to me!  So, I typed them up, and hit "send".   Here is what I chose as my response:

I am so happy for both of you! I hope you understand that emotionally, I'm not ready to handle attending a wedding. I will be thinking of you, and I wish you a wonderful life together, filled with God's blessings.

[KayC]

It seems a good reply.

[Gail 8588]

On 3/31/2023 at 9:51 AM, Carol34 said:

. . . .

I am so happy for both of you! I hope you understand that emotionally, I'm not ready to handle attending a wedding. I will be thinking of you, and I wish you a wonderful life together, filled with God's blessings.

Lovely!

[Shamebratt]

Your response is heartfelt and understanding. It's important to prioritize your own emotions, and it's great that you're expressing your well wishes in such a thoughtful way. If you want to capture those special moments without being physically present, consider checking out www.the-wedding-videographer.co.uk. This way, you can see those beautiful memories and cherish them from afar.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Shamebratt said:

Your response is heartfelt and understanding. It's important to prioritize your own emotions, and it's great that you're expressing your well wishes in such a thoughtful way.

Welcome to our board. Here you will find kind, sympathetic folks. We encourage and support each other every day. Hope you'll continue to post here.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Shamebratt said:

Your response is heartfelt and understanding. It's important to prioritize your own emotions, and it's great that you're expressing your well wishes in such a thoughtful way.

Can you share a bit of your backstory?  Who is your loss, how long ago, etc?