Members Popular Post WithoutHer Posted March 2, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 I have been following the conversations here about 10 days and read all the answers to grieving I expected to see. But even that said the tears flow as I write this. I lost her two and a half weeks ago and every day has been just as painful as the last. So I'm here not so much as a place for answers but as a place I can share my feelings when they take my knees out. I already know this is going to be a long road to travel. I have no direct family left but her daughter and a friend both of made are helping as they can. This being my first post I thank all who read and understand. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted March 2, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 Without her: I’m very sorry for your loss. My wife passed away last August. I just joined this board two months ago and quickly discovered that you’ll find sympathetic, caring people here. Yes, a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings. All of us are going through our own, unique grieving journey. We all are supportive of each other. You’ll find comfort here. WELCOME!! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 2, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 @WithoutHerI am so sorry for your loss. Your grief is very fresh. I lost my husband nearly 18 years ago and I was in shock at that early time, I remember being scared how I would face 40 years without him. My anxiety would kick in full bore, but I learned to take one day at a time and it really helped, I do it still. You said you are not looking for answers, that may be but you will find them, even while not looking, little by little over the years. And it helps to get to know other grievers, we all have shared experience. Sometimes it helps just to give voice to your feelings/experiences, get it out rather than bottle it up. We look forward to getting to know you and interact with your. We are all on different timetables, and handle some things differently, but we're here for each other and want to be for your also. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WithoutHer Posted March 2, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 12 hours ago, RichS said: Without her: I’m very sorry for your loss. My wife passed away last August. I just joined this board two months ago and quickly discovered that you’ll find sympathetic, caring people here. Yes, a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings. All of us are going through our own, unique grieving journey. We all are supportive of each other. You’ll find comfort here. WELCOME!! RichS Thank you for the kind words. I needed a place to voice my feelings so here I am. I am having a little trouble understanding how to navigate this site a do replies. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WithoutHer Posted March 2, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 @KayCThank you for your reply and helpful advice list. Like I said to RichS I'm having trouble navigating this site and providing replies. I hope I did this one correct. I don't think I did the one to RichS correctly. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted March 2, 2023 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 WithoutHer: Your message came through fine. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WithoutHer Posted March 2, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2023 Thank you. I'm not a social media user and learning. As it says on my profile I was on Experience Project years ago and that's where we met. Little to know then we were made for each other. She came from Alabama to live with me and we had a little over 11 wonderful years together. We both had difficult relationships before that. But she did have medical issues then and heart surgery about 6 years after we met and it eventually took it's toll on her. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted March 3, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2023 I'm so sorry for your loss. A great group of people here, hopefully this site can help in some way. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 3, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2023 @WithoutHerI'm glad you had her in your life. I hate the changes old age brings...sometimes before we're old. I lost my husband five days after his 51st birthday...nearly 18 years ago. Way too young. Wishing you comfort and peace... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WithoutHer Posted March 5, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2023 Yes Thomas I've read many of your posts and like you I cry often while I post. I am a logical person but my emotional side has done me any favors. I know what I'm in for. But knowing and getting through it are very different things. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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