Recently lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest

[Love Lost]

I recently lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest. While giving him chest compressions I knew in my heart of hearts that he was gone. Started grief counseling a few weeks ago but the therapist is "very heady" and talks about souls etc. instead of helping me maneuver through my grief. Have decided to look elsewhere for counseling but in the meantime saw this forum.  I am sad, frustrated, lonely and exhausted but have a fabulous support system and feel the best way to honor my late love/husband is by moving forward in the life we built together. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss but glad to hear you have a great support system; it's more than I was able to say. Finding a good grief counselor may not be easy but IMO well worth the effort. Check with state/local govt, they may offer services, perhaps even for free. Churches may have grief support options as well. Above all, allow yourself time and allow yourself to work through it in whatever way works best FOR YOU...ignore anyone stupid enough to go "this is how you should grieve" because this journey is completely unique to you.

[RichS]

Love Lost:  Speaking for everyone on this board, we are all sorry for your loss. I recently joined this board myself and it's helped me a lot. You'll find some nice, caring people here. WELCOME!!

[Love Lost]

6 hours ago, RichS said:

Love Lost:  Speaking for everyone on this board, we are all sorry for your loss. I recently joined this board myself and it's helped me a lot. You'll find some nice, caring people here. WELCOME!!

Thank you Rich S. I appreciate your sentiments! Funny enough, I am a retired clinical counselor but my focus was juveniles in corrections so grief counseling was not my jam.  All of us know it is a totally different ball game when the grief is yours but I am dusting off my old text books and checking out valid website like Psychologytoday.com and mayoclinic.com.  Not sleeping well so i thought i would check out the forum while having coffee this morning. I look forward to interacting with ya'll.

[Love Lost]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss but glad to hear you have a great support system; it's more than I was able to say. Finding a good grief counselor may not be easy but IMO well worth the effort. Check with state/local govt, they may offer services, perhaps even for free. Churches may have grief support options as well. Above all, allow yourself time and allow yourself to work through it in whatever way works best FOR YOU...ignore anyone stupid enough to go "this is how you should grieve" because this journey is completely unique to you.

 

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss but glad to hear you have a great support system; it's more than I was able to say. Finding a good grief counselor may not be easy but IMO well worth the effort. Check with state/local govt, they may offer services, perhaps even for free. Churches may have grief support options as well. Above all, allow yourself time and allow yourself to work through it in whatever way works best FOR YOU...ignore anyone stupid enough to go "this is how you should grieve" because this journey is completely unique to you.

I am shocked at the crazy things people say about my grieving process and you are 100% correct that everyone's journey is different. I had a neighbor say "you might as well realize that your life will never be the same" of course, it will never be the same because I lost the love of my life but it doesn't mean that I can find new purpose and new experiences. I am barely a senior. Also, had a friend of a friend say "you seem to be doing pretty well. I am sure it will hit you hard any day now." I  have decided people say these "stupid" things because they feel like they need to say something and just blurt out whatever comes to mind.  I have always learn if you don't have any thing nice to say, don't say anything! 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  I know it to be tremendous, our lives are never the same but eventually we make our way through this...I won't kid you though, it is a long journey, one with a beginning and no end, although it doesn't stay the same.

I'm glad you found this place!  Welcome!  I found a site similar to this when I lost my husband Father's Day nearly 18 years ago and it literally saved me.  I don't know what I'd have done without it, it was run by a retired grief counselor and she has immense articles and was so helpful!  Unlike the "grief counselor" I got, Got rid of him after a few sessions, he should have stuck to drug and alcohol counseling, something he knew something about...he did not know grief.  We didn't have another in town (I live in the country mountains). 

This is like a family, we care about each other, and it helps to know there are others that "get it" because family/friends may care but not have a clue...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Love Lost]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss!  I know it to be tremendous, our lives are never the same but eventually we make our way through this...I won't kid you though, it is a long journey, one with a beginning and no end, although it doesn't stay the same.

I'm glad you found this place!  Welcome!  I found a site similar to this when I lost my husband Father's Day nearly 18 years ago and it literally saved me.  I don't know what I'd have done without it, it was run by a retired grief counselor and she has immense articles and was so helpful!  Unlike the "grief counselor" I got, Got rid of him after a few sessions, he should have stuck to drug and alcohol counseling, something he knew something about...he did not know grief.  We didn't have another in town (I live in the country mountains). 

This is like a family, we care about each other, and it helps to know there are others that "get it" because family/friends may care but not have a clue...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Thank you, Kay! what a great list of tips! I appreciate all the kind words and support! Yay! so glad i found this forum! 

[Roxeanne]

9 hours ago, Love Lost said:

I have always learn if you don't have any thing nice to say, don't say anything! 

This is the right thing to do...but unfortunately they can't understand that! 

I have friends that said sad things to me at the time of my loss...and now are forced to learn how hard it is 'cos they lost their loved ones in the last months.

I'm sorry for your loss Love lost , grief is a hard experience...almost unbearable in the first times!

But you have great support by family and friends and luckily you join our community...everyone here understand and care, 'cos our life was shattered too!

 hope you find solace and comfort with us!

Take care

 

[Love Lost]

19 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

This is the right thing to do...but unfortunately they can't understand that! 

I have friends that said sad things to me at the time of my loss...and now are forced to learn how hard it is 'cos they lost their loved ones in the last months.

I'm sorry for your loss Love lost , grief is a hard experience...almost unbearable in the first times!

But you have great support by family and friends and luckily you join our community...everyone here understand and care, 'cos our life was shattered too!

 hope you find solace and comfort with us!

Take care

 

Thank you very much for the kind words. 

[Jemiga70]

@Love Lost So sorry for your tragic loss.  I lost my wife suddenly to pulmonary embolism and related heart issues.  It has been shattering, but I choose to keep walking forward despite the daily pain.  Glad you have a support system.  Many here do not and I feel for them.   For me this forum has been better than counseling (done it, still in it but less frequently now).  What I like is that everyone here GETS IT -  in a way that my friends/family cannot. There is no pressure here.  I hope you find support from the members. There have already been good suggestions in this thread.  I'm not yet 2 yrs into my journey so I can't offer you much, but others here have walked this road much longer and are wiser.  Take care,

[TC LEFT BEHIND]

On 3/1/2023 at 4:30 PM, Love Lost said:

I recently lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest. While giving him chest compressions I knew in my heart of hearts that he was gone. Started grief counseling a few weeks ago but the therapist is "very heady" and talks about souls etc. instead of helping me maneuver through my grief. Have decided to look elsewhere for counseling but in the meantime saw this forum.  I am sad, frustrated, lonely and exhausted but have a fabulous support system and feel the best way to honor my late love/husband is by moving forward in the life we built together. 

I had to read this twice, to make sure I hadn't written it and forgotten...I am so sorry for your loss. On February 11th, 10 minutes after we stood together in our kitchen talking about our shopping list for Trader Joe's the next day...I was begging him not to leave me while is gave him chest compressions. I looked at his eyes, clouded, half closed and I knew he wasn't with me anymore. I brought him back, breathing, had a glimmer of hope, only to watch him lying on our bedroom floor, not moving, his heart only beating because of the machine. I died in that room with him. I wanted to pray (he believed, I wanted too) but my mind was completely blank, If you could SEE pain, that's what it felt like...and fear.  I was terrified. I was never a fearful person before, but I'm afraid of the dark, sounds, being alone, going to sleep...ridiculous, but the panic attacks are very real.

I am heartbroken, terrified, hopeless and exhausted. We have a 22 yr old son, he's been a rock for me, but I worry about him, I'm trying to want to live for my son and our 3 beloved family pups, they need me, but...

We all had just moved over the holidays, so we're not even completely unpacked...we have no other immediate family. Just us. But his, our, work family has been amazing and a better support system than I could have every hoped for, so for that I am eternally grateful. I just don't know what to do now. I'm totally lost. I feel like he'll walk through the door any minute...I need to worry about money, bills, and getting us stable...this leaves me in a hole...but all I think about is how empty I am without him.

[RichS]

TC LEFT BEHIND:  ALL OF US on this board are sorry for your loss. I just joined this board at the beginning of 2023. Here you will find  members who are going through the grieving process themselves and who can relate to your current situation. We hope that you'll continue to use this board to find the comfort that you need. WELCOME!!!!...............

[TC LEFT BEHIND]

Thank you Rich. I wish I could take everyone's pain away...your welcome is greatly appreciated!

[Jemiga70]

@TC LEFT BEHIND I am sorry for the anguish you're suffering.  Your grief is raw . . .   I can relate in my own way to your feelings of fear, panic, confusion.  The night my wife died suddenly in front of me  I felt all of that and more.  I hope you can find some comfort on this board.  It has surely been a lifesaver for me, even just reading others' posts knowing I'm not alone on this painful road.  Hugs,

[KayC]

@TC LEFT BEHINDI am so sorry for your loss!  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and wish no one had to experience this...ever.  My heart goes out to you.

It helps to come here to read and post and know there are others that get it and understand. 
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[TC LEFT BEHIND]

13 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

@TC LEFT BEHIND I am sorry for the anguish you're suffering.  Your grief is raw . . .   I can relate in my own way to your feelings of fear, panic, confusion.  The night my wife died suddenly in front of me  I felt all of that and more.  I hope you can find some comfort on this board.  It has surely been a lifesaver for me, even just reading others' posts knowing I'm not alone on this painful road.  Hugs,

Thank you so much. It does help to know that I'm not totally alone in these feelings. The isolation is overwhelming. Everyone around me is "normal" and I'll never be "normal" again.