5 days ago Lost my soul dog. He was my best friend and a dream that became true (Forgive me my beautiful Manchas)

[Caesardav]

The thing is that my mind is going crazy because of what happened.

The story starts when my girlfriend moved to another city and she took "Manchas" with her, she was sharing an apartment with my sister's best friend. She had another dog and they became like friends. The problem started because "Manchas" began to be territorial and peed everywhere, the floor was made of wood and this started to damage it. We took our time to make the decision of neutering him but we finally made it, it was our primary goal and to make him a little bit relax about sharing space with other dogs. The thing is that when we took him to the vet all the exams were fine, he was a healthy dog at the moment. When we took him home after almost 8 hours he was fine. But with time, he started to show some purple skin bruises in the zone. We tried to make him better, we took him to the vet and they told us the surgery was alright and the wound was perfect. After a couple of days he started to refuse eating, we tried everything, but he did not cooperate. Later he started to feel sick, he didn't want to sit or lay down, it was pain. We took him again to the vet and they made some tests and they started to hydrate him. The results arrived and showed that Manchas had pancreatitis, his levels were very high. They started to treat it and he was recovering. At this point he was already in his 2nd day hospitalized. The vets were confused because each test started to show weird signs. Then he started to heal but something was bad, another test showed that his body was lacking corticosteroids so they started to do even more test and they came with the conclusion that Manchas had Addison's disease, his body never produced a great amount of corticosteroids and the stress and the trauma of that procedure started to make his body fall apart. More tests resulted in diagnosis of an increase of size in a part of his heart and some damage with his kidneys. We we're debasted, but they told us that knowing that at that point increased his probability of surviving, they started to treat the need for corticosteroids. We took the good news, but the next day at mid day they told us that Manchas was pretty bad, his body started to destroy his red blood cells and that he needed a transfusion and that maybe he was not gonna make it, all the test where showing alarm signs in everything. We saw him, we cried, his body was pretty bad, he was almost white and yellow, his eyes were red, he couldn't stand up or even tried to move. We cried because he seemed in a lot of pain. All the places where the needles were, showed bruises. He was so tired. And with our broken hearts we made the decision to end his pain. I know we had a possibility, but at the same time it was only one solution between all his problems (Heart, kidneys, pancreas, and blood). We're being eaten by the guilt that we made bad decisions, that he was a healthy dog (Even if he had something in him because of Addison's disease) and we made him lose the battle in life. We stayed with him until the end. But every single decision is adding to our gilt. We're not vets, I only came to see him the last Thursday because I was in another city working. But man, this is something that took all of me. I can't stop thinking about it and I regret every single thing. I still try to ask forgiveness to my friend but the pain is in my heart, and he is not with us anymore.

We tried to give everything for him, but it wasn't enough. Maybe this was his time and all the things converged in this fatal and sad ending, but I'm lost, sad and a heart full of guilt.

He was 7 years old, and I loved him every second of his life. e tried to give him all the best, food, toys, all that we could afford. But at the end it was not enough.

He was very affectionate, friendly, calm, he didn't bark, he was obedient, he was playful, he was the ideal dog.

I keep dreaming about him, keep specting him to approach from the door and jump in our bed.  I feel lost and hopeless.

The photos are 

[KayC]

I am so sorry! Your poor baby!  I personally think you did the right thing, you based your decision on what was best for HIM, not for you. As any loving parent would do.  

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Anawilliam850]

I'm so sorry for you lost

[Caesardav]

Thanks both of you! It's been a week and I can't stop crying. He was my everything, all the things that I do in my life involved him. The thing that hurts me more is knowing that he was only 7 years old. I had a lots of plans for him, and seeing him leave this world broke every single dream. I don't know if I did right, but I feel guilty that we couldn't find or diagnose the problem that he had. I miss him so much 💔

[AJWCat]

I just wanted to comment and say how sorry I am for your loss. (You learn you are capable of crying more than you ever thought humanly possible.) It's really tough. Hang in there. Losing all the wonderful routines turns your world upside down.  

[Caesardav]

3 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I just wanted to comment and say how sorry I am for your loss. (You learn you are capable of crying more than you ever thought humanly possible.) It's really tough. Hang in there. Losing all the wonderful routines turns your world upside down.  

Thank you for your words! Yes, it has been difficult trying to give reasons for how and why this happened. I wasn't ready to leave my best friend so soon, but life is made of weird situations. He got the best of me, and I can't imagine all my days without him. He was young for a dog, he had a couple more years of good life left. All that remains are only the memories of him. 

I saw that you lost your beautiful cat too, so sorry for that! I hope they can reunite in the other life and play along with all our loved furry ones.

[VMac]

So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you really tried to help your dog as best you could until you felt it was kindest to end his suffering which resulted from things beyond your control. I’m starting to wonder if that moment when we decide to say goodbye out of love always turns into degrees of guilt and self blame no matter how sure we were at the time we made the decision. The constant questioning and second guessing is a torture I know well but my late beloved cat’s usual vet told me this is what dedicated pet parents always do.

[KayC]

3 minutes ago, VMac said:

my late beloved cat’s usual vet told me this is what dedicated pet parents always do.

That sounds like a judgment, he should have stuck to facts.

[VMac]

I see what you mean but unfortunately my usual vet wasn’t there when my cat went into crisis so he couldn’t say exactly what had happened. I think he was trying to help me stop feeling so bad about everything 💔

[KayC]

Undoubtedly, but did it work?