Please I need some comfort words

[Kavas00]

I met Wesley almost 20 years ago, he was 18, I was 21. He had a super strong voice, and I loved it. Due to some situations, we separated, I got married and had a son whom I adore. About ten years ago he contacted me and we talked, but later he blocked me from his contacts...the reason? he didn't want to know anything about my husband.
He moved, but I never stopped checking his Facebook profile, happy on  how he was achieving his goals...he had a daughter, he separated and he fell in love again. Her second son died and the third baby died in her mother's womb. She couldn't face it and took her own life. He was always positive, in a lot of pain but strong... 8 days ago, my sisters announced me the sad news...he was killed. You can't imagine the rise and fall of emotions I have been feeling, knowing that I will never hear anything new from him again. That I will never, not even by chance, run into him. That the message I expected from him will never arrive. 

Do you think that the signs that I have seen have been from him?  even though we haven't talked to each other for almost 10 years? I feel that there are many coincidences, his colors in super strange places, numbers that link him...things like that...I haven't dreamed of him yet, I used to before his death, but I feel that if I dream with him right now it would hurt a lot. 

Thanks for reading me!

[Gail 8588]

Kavas00, 

The heart loves who the heart loves.  I am so sorry for your loss.

It can be especially hard when those around you don't understand you are grieving. 

Feel free to come here to share your sorrow. 

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's hard to carry such a load alone, when the rest of the world does not know or recognize your grief.  My heart goes out to you.

Disenfranchised Grief: Hidden Sorrow
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning An Invisible Love
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream
Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies
Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.