Grieving a estranged parent ?

[nicoleL]

Hi.

I'll try and make this as short as I can and give as much context as I can aswell.

so main points are Dad is my 'step father' he raised me from about 8 months till our first fall out at 15.

Mum and dad are not together and havent been for about 20 odd years, they have my sister together who is 20.

I dont talk consistanly to any of dads side of the family both his parent (my grandparents) passed away and i did attend the funeral and see them EXTREMLY speradically. i dont talk with my mum or sister as of recently either.

Dad has cancer, and is within his last days in a hospice. Theres been a few calls where everyones went up because it was touch and go.

i can see how confusing this is already as im writing it but i guess i just dont have anyone else to talk to. Even when i am speaking with family i'm the most emotionally matured person within the family and i very rarely cry or talk about my feelings because im a very get up and get on with it person and everyone expects me to be.

but i'm struggling, probably with guilt as i known about his cancer diagnsos for 2 years and ive never once reached out. i never felt like i had a place to, after our last fall out we were both very mean to eachother but hes always been mean to me (the teenage anger in me coming out) nothing ive ever done has been good enough. much like him ive worked from when i was 16 right through my pregnancy and only 2 weeks mat leave so ive always proivded and tried my best, unlike mum and sister. (my biological dad is mixed race) so dad would always tell me how me prefered my hair straight or in arguments would be little me and bio dad and his skin colour ect. i think i chose to remember the bad times because i think it validates my feelings towards him. but now hes coming to end of life i find myself reflecting on the good memories, especially because im a mum and theres alot he taught me that ill pass onto her... then the guilt hits. and i cry in scilence alone down stairs so no one can hear me. do i go and see him ? god no, hed not want to see me he'd think 'why she turned up now' and so would everyone else. ive seen photos of how he looks, but i dont think i could take seeing him like that, even if my last memory of being face to face with him is arguing, he still looked normal... is that a valid reason ? i used to feel like id already grieved the loss of him when we fell out 4 years ago but im thinking that was just the relatinship..

 

then theres a massive amount of guilt for my sister, shes 20 with 2 kids and struggles as it is and to know shes going through this without a sister suport does upset me, i have reached out and shes ignored it but i have a feeling she'll reach out when hes passes. She idolises him (hes been awful to her aswell but it is her dad)..

 

do i have a point to all this ? nope. sorry if you feel i've wasted your time.

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feel like theres so much more to say, but nothing at all..

 

if he wanted to see me he'd of asked right ?

sorry for the terrible gramma and spelling.