I feel UNREAL AMOUNT OF GUILT after my Kitty passed.

[SAD1976]

I literally feel like the WORST person after I had to put my cat to sleep. 

It is endless the things I did wrong. 

I promise I am not a bad person. I am very caring but with my beloved cat, I failed so bad and I can't understand why. 

He was very old. I saw him be born and I saw him die past aged 20. When he was first my pet, I worshipped him. He was my whole world. But then I got dogs about 10 years ago...so half this life ago and the dogs became my focus. My kitty went to the back burner. I was not mean to him and still cared for him, but his level of attention dropped. Dogs are so much more needy and in your face. Still my baby was outside, hunting, coming home, living his life. We slept together every night. Well, about a year ago, he started showing the signs of aging for the first time. He had very good genetics and was just always very active. He started not being able to jump or hunt, stayed indoors more, and became clingy. He also started getting very picky about his food and would no longer eat dry food. I took him to the vet for dental and they did a dental. 

He still wouldn't eat well. I had to always look for something new. It got to the point where he would only eat raw chicken and hot dogs. And then he stopped eating that. I thought it was old age. I googled about this and that's what it said and other friends told me the same. AND he was past 20. So, I just tried to accomdate whatever food he wanted. It was stressful though and it was like he had dementia because he would beg to be placed on the counter (where his food was--away from dogs) upwards of 20-30 times a day. I was getting stressed out. I had 8 other animals. I have a small farm, plus work, and plus I was dealing with an illness myself. Sometimes I would get impatient but I did stop myself from doing that and became very patient. No matter how many times he begged or dismissed food, I would put him up and down and change foods. This wasn't easy though and sometimes I would even cry. 

I took him to the vet and they said he was basically cancer and it was so far gone that he had no chance. I was shocked. I could have taken him sooner but I delayed. Mostly because I thought it was just old age and 2). I am kinda country person and dont run animals to the vet everyday. When they said that he needed putting down soon, I said we can do it now. WHY? I should have given him and me another few days or a week together. 

But I was in a lot of pain myself from my illness, and really just thought it would be a relief for him to be gone. He was suffering and he had become difficult to handle. but as soon as it happened, i was devastated. I had literally killed one of my best friends. He had been by my side for 20 plus years. And at the end when he needed me the most, I was too busy with myself, the farm and my issues to be there. 

When I came home, it dawned on me. I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. I started screaming. THERE was no relief. YES, I no longer had to buy differnt food everyday or do this or that, but I just wanted my friend back. I am also TORTURED BY the fact that he must have been in PAIN for MONTHS because of my medical neglect. 

I cannot forgive myself and I rarely am mean to myself. I am always trying to be gentle with myself and others but in this case, I literally want to harm myself. I failed ONE OF MY MOST Precious gifts. My baby loved me so much and I was just not even paying attention. 

I am saying this so others dont **** up like I did:

1). dont have too many animals. You cant give them all of what they need when you have alot

2). take them to the vet regular. Country or not, God gave us medicine for a reason. Don't be a country bumpkin like me and not take advantage. 

3). I am poor too so being at the vet is hard moneywise. But SAVE the whole time, each week when you have a pet for when something comes up that way when the road happens, you have a choice. Money doesnt stop you

4) OUR PETS ARE A GOD GIFT> THEY love like God and so everyday is precious. LOVE them like the gifts they are. 

I cant redo my mistakes. But I hope I can help others not be me. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, SAD1976 said:

I took him to the vet and they said he was basically cancer and it was so far gone that he had no chance. I was shocked.

Please stop blaming yourself. I took my dog to the vet for a tooth cleaning and they told me he had inoperable cancer, just two weeks earlier he'd passed his physical with flying colors!  How did they miss it?  I cooked for him, even though he was big at 140, to control his acute chronic colitis, the vets could never help him, he couldn't tolerate their food or antibiotics, but now I beat myself up wondering if that contributed to his cancer...either way I feel he was doomed.  But oh my God how I love/d that dog!  I'd have given my life for him.  In the end all I could do was try to make him as comfortable as possible, giving him supplements, CBD oil, Milk Thistle (they said his liver was shutting down at diagnosis), and SAMe for mood elevation, etc.  When I took him to be euthanized, they botched it, their scale was way off, they under-anesthetized him and he went out in extreme pain, his face contorted in agony.  I would never wish this on anyone.

You took care of your cat the best you could and what a life you gave him!  20 years is nothing to sneeze at.  I lost my King George (cat) at 19 from cancer.  He was a wonderful cat, I have all my animals buried in my back yard with memorial stones on their graves.

Should someone not have a second child because the first one would have to share their mom?  I wouldn't think so.

Bless your heart, I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world!
You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[SAD1976]

Thank You so much for these clips. They making me cry but helping me let go of the guilt. 

I think I just always wanted my cat to only be happy and dont want any idea that life could be bad sometimes. 

 

God bless you for helping. Thank you sweet soul

[KayC]

I know, and there is nothing easy about grieving, it's the hardest thing I know.  It takes time to learn to carry them in our heart, and even more time to try to adjust to life w/o them here.  But your cat is happy and at peace now, he's not old anymore...you have taken on his pain now.  

[AJWCat]

I am truly sorry for your loss. Once they are gone, like really finally no longer there... it is heartbreaking. It is so final.

There are very few people who are able to give their cat a long life like yours had. 20 wow. I know you feel guilty. Things are never perfect. But that's in your human head. Cats are pretty independent and from what you describe it sounds like you did your very best.

And, had you taken him home for more days or weeks... it may have quickly gotten very uncomfortable and maybe painful for him. (I had a cat w/ lymphoma that I should have taken in sooner but I didn't want to do it so he had a few weeks of "life" and not much happiness. I regret that.) 

You made a courageous but difficult choice to give him a peaceful less painful end. I am so so sorry I know it's hard.  

[Emma F]

I feel your pain. 3 weeks ago now we rushed my dog as an emergency and he ended up being let go. He was only 4 and a St Bernard. They are known for suffering from bloat and we have also kept an eye out for symptoms. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. He was off his food in the morning, even a sausage wouldn't tempt him. He was retching a bit but wasn't sick so assumed he was empty from not eating. I decided to call the vets but was 7 mins late for normal surgery and it had gone to out of hours so I put the phone down and thought I would wait until the morning. In the night he wanted to go outside so I let him and left the door ajar. I then fell asleep on the sofa for a few hours woke up and found him lying on the patio in distress. The door had closed and he couldn't get in. We callee emergency vet and all our children had to help carry him to the van as he is 80kg. . They cut him open and said that his intestines had died and we would have to let him go. I have previously had PTSD and it has come back so badly. The flashbacks, guilt of not trusting my gut and the fact that we were told that he would have a preventive stitches put in at his last op to prevent this and now there are no records of it happening are consuming me. I am in turmoil and have even found myself trying to sleep on the pews of a church to try to finddforgiveness and I am not religious. How can I stop this eating away at me?

[KayC]

Oh Emma, I am so sorry!  And only four, one wouldn't expect this.  I am so sorry, it's very unfortunate.  I would want answers as to why they did not do the preventative stitching!  Ultimately, though, I know it does not good to look back.

Religion and faith are two different things, when you believe in certain things but don't ascribe to organized church or rituals, yet you can still have faith he is alive to where they go next, and at peace...and that is very helpful.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.