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First Christmas without my Dad


StephB

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Hello everyone

I lost my Dad very suddenly back in July and as much as I've tried to cope since then, getting on with life and so on, the holidays have hit me so hard. He was a healthy 64 year old, who just simply passed in his sleep out of the blue. The shock of it has probably hit me the most, and every day as I go through the routine of getting up and going to work I'm reminded of getting the news that he had passed as I was heading out of the door to my car.

I am "happy" in a sense that he left without any pain, without knowing anything was wrong but I'm still so hurt that I never had a chance to say goodbye. The last time I saw him, 3 days before, I was really unwell and for his whole visit I was pretty much napping on the couch. That eats into me because I wish I'd have just made some kind of effort to talk to him, or given him one last hug, one last kiss.

I also blame myself in a way, because a couple of months before he had had bad pains in his legs and the doctor's said it was just arthritis. I told him that I didn't believe that but I wish I had pushed him to go back and get a second opinion. His death was down to a blood clot and it could have saved his life. But then I know it may not have, and he would have just known he was sick in the run up to it.

The last 5 months have been terrible, tying up his affairs and sorting through his stuff and beating myself up. I miss him so much, and every day is like a giant kick in the guts when I realise that I'm not sad because I can't see him now, but because I'll never see him or speak to him again. It's actually been 5 straight months of thinking that I just need to get through my life, and then once I'm dead I'll not have to miss him anymore because we'll both be gone.

I feel like I've exhausted support from my friends because anytime I mention my dad or try to talk about how I feel they just change the subject. I'm not sure if they are fed up of hearing me talk about it or if they just don't know what to say but I wish so much that I had someone I could talk to. I have siblings but they are all married and have their other halves, whereas my husband and I separated not long before my Dad passed. He's tried to be there for me to a certain extent but it's making for a very awkward situation.

Anyway, that's my bit. Hope everyone's enjoying the holidays the best they can, and thanks for reading.

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I feel like I've exhausted support from my friends because anytime I mention my dad or try to talk about how I feel they just change the subject. I'm not sure if they are fed up of hearing me talk about it or if they just don't know what to say but I wish so much that I had someone I could talk to. I have siblings but they are all married and have their other halves, whereas my husband and I separated not long before my Dad passed. He's tried to be there for me to a certain extent but it's making for a very awkward situation.

I'm in the same boat. My friends try to understand, but I know they get tired of listening to me talk about my mom. They haven't been rude - at least not yet, but I feel they'll soon start telling me to get over it.

How can you "get over" a relationship with a parent that has lasted your entire life? It's impossible.

Do the best you can Steph - pray, cry ...do whatever you have to do to get better.

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JillFairchild

I completely understand. Last night I was so sad, I was inconsolable and my husband and two adult sons were here. People who have not been through it cannot understand. I'm not sure there is anything anyone can say, it's just a matter of time and getting through the pain. I do it by crying and exercising. I talk to my dad all the time, hoping he somehow hears me, and it makes me feel better. Some of the literature I received from Hospice really helped as well. Not sure how spiritual you might be, but this was helpful to me. "When we love someone, we enjoy being in their presence. However, we are also able to carry them with us throughout our day. Death does not need to change this. The people we know and love can be said to be always right with us, whether present in body or not. We do not have to be caught up in the assumption that if the other person is not present and visible to us, then the relationship no longer exists. If we can carry death out from under the metaphor of goodbye, then we can open more life-affirming possibilities". I am happy to converse with you via email as much as you need or like, because I too am suffering.

~Jill

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I'm in the same boat. My friends try to understand, but I know they get tired of listening to me talk about my mom. They haven't been rude - at least not yet, but I feel they'll soon start telling me to get over it.

How can you "get over" a relationship with a parent that has lasted your entire life? It's impossible.

Do the best you can Steph - pray, cry ...do whatever you have to do to get better.

Steph, I understand i am crying right now, over a friends house. My mom passed 6 weeks ago. I am staying with a friend till i get my own place and i feel so awkward. I keep remembering my mother who is from Scotland and i just miss her so much. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't wait till the holidays are over. Be grateful you have siblings, i am the only one.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

D

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I completely understand. Last night I was so sad, I was inconsolable and my husband and two adult sons were here. People who have not been through it cannot understand. I'm not sure there is anything anyone can say, it's just a matter of time and getting through the pain. I do it by crying and exercising. I talk to my dad all the time, hoping he somehow hears me, and it makes me feel better. Some of the literature I received from Hospice really helped as well. Not sure how spiritual you might be, but this was helpful to me. "When we love someone, we enjoy being in their presence. However, we are also able to carry them with us throughout our day. Death does not need to change this. The people we know and love can be said to be always right with us, whether present in body or not. We do not have to be caught up in the assumption that if the other person is not present and visible to us, then the relationship no longer exists. If we can carry death out from under the metaphor of goodbye, then we can open more life-affirming possibilities". I am happy to converse with you via email as much as you need or like, because I too am suffering.

~Jill

Jill you are so very right. I was just crying, I miss my mom so much. I am staying with someone and I just want my mother.

Debbie

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To Frank and Steph and jill: I don't know how you get over someone you knew your whole life. Sometimes I just wish i could go with her and be done with this bull and pain. Meeting new people, making believe. Nothing will ever be the same. I wish I wasn't here anymore.

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To Frank and Steph and jill: I don't know how you get over someone you knew your whole life. Sometimes I just wish i could go with her and be done with this bull and pain. Meeting new people, making believe. Nothing will ever be the same. I wish I wasn't here anymore.

Steph, Jill, and Debbie:

I don't think we are ever supposed to "get over" our parents death. I personally will NEVER get over my mom's death - but I do hope that God will give me the strength to cope with it. And hopefully, in due time, come to accept it and try to live my life little by little.

I remember my mom talking about her father's death (my grandpa) and how she felt like the world had ended for her. She had to endure a hostile relationship with my grandmother and her siblings for years after that. There was so much anger, greed, jealousy, and bitterness in her family after he died - all of them fighting over his estate.

But ultimately, having to fend for herself and knowing that she only had herself to depend on - made her such a strong woman.

I am hoping that some of that same grit and toughness will ultimately come out in me. Not necessarily a physical toughness - but more of a spiritual toughness that will allow me to get up from this sucker punch from God - and fight on.

And I know it will be difficult. As I told a friend of mine this morning when he asked how I was doing - it's half a step forward and three steps back. Every night and day I think about how easy it would be to end it all - here and now. But that would be a terribly stained legacy to leave on my mom's memory. She would be so disappointed that I didn't fight my way through this grief as she did with her dad's.

We all have to learn to enjoy my life again. If we don't do it, imagine how disappointed our loved ones would be?

For the sake of their memory, let's try and move ahead.

God give us the strength to move forward.

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You sound like how i feel, I just wanted you to know i truely understand my dad has been gone three months and I just dont know what to do or how to feel each and everyday is a struggle for me,. Steph just pray and believe God!

Hello everyone

I lost my Dad very suddenly back in July and as much as I've tried to cope since then, getting on with life and so on, the holidays have hit me so hard. He was a healthy 64 year old, who just simply passed in his sleep out of the blue. The shock of it has probably hit me the most, and every day as I go through the routine of getting up and going to work I'm reminded of getting the news that he had passed as I was heading out of the door to my car.

I am "happy" in a sense that he left without any pain, without knowing anything was wrong but I'm still so hurt that I never had a chance to say goodbye. The last time I saw him, 3 days before, I was really unwell and for his whole visit I was pretty much napping on the couch. That eats into me because I wish I'd have just made some kind of effort to talk to him, or given him one last hug, one last kiss.

I also blame myself in a way, because a couple of months before he had had bad pains in his legs and the doctor's said it was just arthritis. I told him that I didn't believe that but I wish I had pushed him to go back and get a second opinion. His death was down to a blood clot and it could have saved his life. But then I know it may not have, and he would have just known he was sick in the run up to it.

The last 5 months have been terrible, tying up his affairs and sorting through his stuff and beating myself up. I miss him so much, and every day is like a giant kick in the guts when I realise that I'm not sad because I can't see him now, but because I'll never see him or speak to him again. It's actually been 5 straight months of thinking that I just need to get through my life, and then once I'm dead I'll not have to miss him anymore because we'll both be gone.

I feel like I've exhausted support from my friends because anytime I mention my dad or try to talk about how I feel they just change the subject. I'm not sure if they are fed up of hearing me talk about it or if they just don't know what to say but I wish so much that I had someone I could talk to. I have siblings but they are all married and have their other halves, whereas my husband and I separated not long before my Dad passed. He's tried to be there for me to a certain extent but it's making for a very awkward situation.

Anyway, that's my bit. Hope everyone's enjoying the holidays the best they can, and thanks for reading.

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Frank, Jill & Steph:

Frank, your last post was very touching and spoke words of wisdom. I know i have to be strong and go on and I will work on it daily. I also remember when my moms mom died, how she felt, she told her sisters she wanted to go with her but she was strong and did no such thing she took good care of me alone just me and her.

I hope some of her strength rubs off on me as time goes on. Your half step forward and 3 steps back is right on target. I am fine for 2 days and then boom, i will be in the middle of talking to someone new (usually) and i start to cry. I remember my mom doing this actually.

Finally yes we have to learn to live life again. wow heavy stuff. I need to find a new purpose and that will be a super challenge. Thanks for your comment.

Jill I hope your feeling a wee bit better today and you continue to heal, I am sorry you are going through this.

Steph, I feel your pain about your dad, I am so sorry and hope you continue to post and keep us updated. I like reading your posts, I feel the same way. I am happy to share with someone who seems as sensitive as me.

Deb

Steph, Jill, and Debbie:

I don't think we are ever supposed to "get over" our parents death. I personally will NEVER get over my mom's death - but I do hope that God will give me the strength to cope with it. And hopefully, in due time, come to accept it and try to live my life little by little.

I remember my mom talking about her father's death (my grandpa) and how she felt like the world had ended for her. She had to endure a hostile relationship with my grandmother and her siblings for years after that. There was so much anger, greed, jealousy, and bitterness in her family after he died - all of them fighting over his estate.

But ultimately, having to fend for herself and knowing that she only had herself to depend on - made her such a strong woman.

I am hoping that some of that same grit and toughness will ultimately come out in me. Not necessarily a physical toughness - but more of a spiritual toughness that will allow me to get up from this sucker punch from God - and fight on.

And I know it will be difficult. As I told a friend of mine this morning when he asked how I was doing - it's half a step forward and three steps back. Every night and day I think about how easy it would be to end it all - here and now. But that would be a terribly stained legacy to leave on my mom's memory. She would be so disappointed that I didn't fight my way through this grief as she did with her dad's.

We all have to learn to enjoy my life again. If we don't do it, imagine how disappointed our loved ones would be?

For the sake of their memory, let's try and move ahead.

God give us the strength to move forward.

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