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so angry inside


aimbob

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I'm new to this but I really need to vent. I lost my mum in may this year, yet it only feels like yesterday. She lost a long and difficult battle with manic depression. She passed away peacefully in her sleep because of a blood clot in her leg, which had developed as a result of reduced mobility over the years. Not meaning to sound horrible, but i'm glad that when she did eventually lose the battle, she went peacefully and not as a result of a suicide attempt. That would have destroyed me. My mum brought up me and my 3 autistic brothers (each of us were a year apart from one another). She'd been very depressed since she was a teen, which was then aggravated by her parents divorce and sexual abuse. She didn't have any support what so ever from anyone - not even her family. She went off to study nursing but couldn't handle the pressure of the workload as well as her mental health issues. She was regularly self-harming and taking over doses. She quit and started again a couple of times, but just couldn't handle it so she had to come home. She moved out of her dads house where she'd previously been living with his new wife and step children and moved into a flat on her own where I can imagine she'd have been very lonely. Her sister lived down the road with her husband and 2 children who she looked after regularly while her sister and brother in law were at work. She didn't have a good relationship with her mother (who used to treat them all very badly) or with her father and step mother. None of them understood her mental health so she was left to fend for herself and learnt to hide it incredibly well. The thought of her having nobody to turn to hurts me immensly. She met my dad and married at 27. She was happy at this point and went on to have me at 28 and my brother was born 13 months later. Apparently, she seemed a happier at this point and it was only after this things started going rapidly downhill. My other 2 brothers were born quickly and this was when my mums postnatal depression really started to kick in. My mum and dads relationship was very strained by this point and my dad was drinking heavily. They divorced and we moved into a bigger house with our mum. By this point all 3 of my brothers had been diagnosed with autism. Over the years my dad came in and out of our lives and left whenever he pleased. My mums depression was spiraling further and further out of control and she was screaming hidden depths but no-one gave a ****. My dad didn't have a clue what to do, so he constantly searched for the answer in the bottle. He was aggressive and didn't know how to cope with children, never mind children with autism. He'd lash out for no reason when things got too much and he sexually abused me, but not so much on a physical level like you'd expect. I won't go into it cause it hurts me greatly. His behaviour used to terrify me, especially when he was drunk. It used to make me incredibly angry that he'd just run off and leave when things got tough, when there was no way out for me and my brothers. We didn't have that choice. I can only remember my mum hugging me once when I was a child which was when my dad picked me up from school absolutely hammered and made me shop lift for him. I ran home crying an wouldn't let go of her. That's the only one time I ever felt safe. I practically brought my brothers up, especially when my dad wasn't around because they had no-one. I had to grow up so incredibly fast. My mum layed on the sofa or in bed all day, kind of sleeping with her eyes open. I always used to wonder what she was thinking. I had no idea how to help her or even why she was like that, I was just a child. We needed someone to look after us but we couldn't have that. Social services just turned a blind eye. I hate them for not intervening and helping us when there was so many chances to do so. I used to sit at the top of the stairs every night and look into the kitchen watching my mum self-harming and repeatedly pouring the kettle up her arms. It used to break my heart. She didn't even know I was there. She was in a complete world of her own. She used to try to take her own life a lot but never succeeded. It was like a demon was inside her and we had no idea who our mum was anymore. I'd give a vital organ to have had the chance to know that woman. The most annoying thing is that people did get the chance to know that woman. Her parents knew her, yet they didn't want to know. She practically brought my cousins up so they knew her too. I feel so robbed, it's so unfair. Anyway things went from bad to worse and my mum was barely recognisable. My dad was back in the family home, which I HATED! and deep down my mum didn't like it either. I think she felt she had no choice. She was just screaming out for support. For love. For attention. At christmas 2003 when i was 12, my mum slit my dads throat with a knife. He'd got drunk in the night and this was her reaction. Completely over the top. Yet that's what it took for people to listen to her. That's what it took for her to get proper help. That's what it took for people to realise us children needed to be taken care of. The worst thing is, that wasn't her. Behind her mental health illness, she was one of the most kind, caring, loving and decent people to walk this earth. I'm so angry that it had to be taken that far. I'm so angry that people hearing that story see my mum as an evil person. Because she wasn't. She didn't have a bad bone inside her and i'm just screaming inside for people to believe me. Everyone wants to think the best of their parents, but that wasn't her. She'd never layed a finger on anyone in her life. She was so desperate. We were all seperated and took into care after this. My dad went on to drink very heavily again for years and my mum went to live on her own. We watched her just absolutely destroy herself and I just wanted to shake her. I wanted her to get better more than anything but there was nothing I could do. She needed her family desperately but no-one wanted to know. They just wanted to get on with their own lives. It hurts me so much. We needed them to be there for all of us an i don't think I can ever forgive them for that. In the end i'd totally disconnected my self emotionally from my mum and had nothing to do with my dad. Not by choice with my mum, I just couldn't take anymore emotionally. Seeing a close family member being so self-destructive, god i can't even desribe the pain and heartache. I kick myself everyday thinking there must have been more I could have done, but it was killing me too :( I helped as much as I could, but I was just a child. I never stopped loving her though, not once. We shared such a special bond when I was growing up. It was my job to look after her and I loved her unconditionally. Even when no-one else did. She stayed alive for her children and I admire her strength and her ability to hang on so much. When she went, it wasn't even that much of a shock. I'd been expecting it for years. Since I was a small child. Each time she overdosed, i'd prepare myself for her going, yet she never did. I can't even desribe how angry I am inside. Angry that as a result of her parents actions, we never really got to know our mum. It still hasn't really kicked in that she's gone cause I just block it out. I know she's in a better place now, but it shouldn't have had to come to that. She didn't do anything to deserve what she got; honestly, she deserved all the happiness in the world. It's such a shitter that the worst things always happen to the best people. It's so sad the people that ruined her life are still walking the earth when she's dead! where's the justification in that!?

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I am so sorry. I know bipolar disorder is difficult, perhaps she should have been on medication. I just lost my mom 6 weeks ago. She was 87. I feel lost and lonely without her and cry alot. Don't know what to do anymore.

I hope your story helps others. What are you doing with your life now?

Debbie

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I am so sorry. I know bipolar disorder is difficult, perhaps she should have been on medication. I just lost my mom 6 weeks ago. She was 87. I feel lost and lonely without her and cry alot. Don't know what to do anymore.

I hope your story helps others. What are you doing with your life now?

Debbie

She was on medication. She was on so much she was practically rattling inside, but it wasn't enough was it. She couldn't do it without the support of her family and i'll beat myself up about it everyday for the rest of my life cause despite everything and despite her trying to kill my father, she deserved to live in my eyes. I moved away to university to study psychology.

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hello: We are all struggly this time of year with our losses. I will pray for you for better days. Try to remember the good times. I can't imagine anyone slitting someone's throat though. That is scary.

I hope your grief subsides and you move on with your life.

Are you working or going to school? Are you alright?

I am hanging in there.

Deb

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