gave it all, but not really

[guadalupe]

Is there anyone out there that dedicated almost all their time to a sick loved one, but that was not an angel?

I lost my father a month ago. He developed kidney failure, went on dialysis, and became debilitated very quickly. The last 18 months of his life he became bed bound and lost his ability to swallow so he was on a feeding tube. I took complete care of him, yes everything and it didn't bother me. It was my choice to keep him at home and luckily I was able to do so. However, I am not an angel. I was angry probably half of the time I took care of him, not because I had too, but because of sleep exhaustion and my four other siblings that always had "things to do". I was also lazy in getting him to the doctor or getting his medicine on time. I don't want to hear the advice that maybe he would have received better care in a facility because he wouldn't have. He had a lot of needs that I am not even going to begin to discuss and I had them down to a T. Plus, I respected his wishes til the end. The issue that is haunting me is knowing that I did not try my best. In general I am a procrastinator and vent my frustrations on those that love me most. I should have done better. I could have gotten respite, worked out, watch less T.V., sat next to him reading, prayed! but I didn't. I feel like such a failure. I have so much regret and remorse. I was so mean to him on so many occasions. On one occasion I was just being so mean probably verbally abusive, and on another I slapped his had away hard when he wasn't letting me remove the mucus from the back of his throat. He was a gift from God to see what really matters in life and I couldn't see it. Is there anyone out there that feels something similar to this? I feel so bad for my dad. He was so innocent at the end. He died right in front of me and I didn't even know he was dying. He died suddenly from a blood clot. I wish I could reverse time. I asked him for forgiveness months before he passed away, but that doesn't take away my regret and remorse. I should have fought harder for him as well against all those foreign MD's and unloving nurses that have no respect for the sanctity of life. It's okay to choose to die, but why is it frowned upon to choose to live. He could talk, hear, love, cry, pray, hope, dream, breath, think, and feel. Maybe it wouldn't have been so hard for me if it wasn't so hard getting care for him and getting some help for choosing life. Regardless, I'm sorry papa for not loving you better. I could have done better and right now I would be feeling victorious for everything I gave, but instead I failed. I'm sorry.

[frank]

Is there anyone out there that dedicated almost all their time to a sick loved one, but that was not an angel?

I lost my father a month ago. He developed kidney failure, went on dialysis, and became debilitated very quickly. The last 18 months of his life he became bed bound and lost his ability to swallow so he was on a feeding tube. I took complete care of him, yes everything and it didn't bother me. It was my choice to keep him at home and luckily I was able to do so. However, I am not an angel. I was angry probably half of the time I took care of him, not because I had too, but because of sleep exhaustion and my four other siblings that always had "things to do". I was also lazy in getting him to the doctor or getting his medicine on time. I don't want to hear the advice that maybe he would have received better care in a facility because he wouldn't have. He had a lot of needs that I am not even going to begin to discuss and I had them down to a T. Plus, I respected his wishes til the end. The issue that is haunting me is knowing that I did not try my best. In general I am a procrastinator and vent my frustrations on those that love me most. I should have done better. I could have gotten respite, worked out, watch less T.V., sat next to him reading, prayed! but I didn't. I feel like such a failure. I have so much regret and remorse. I was so mean to him on so many occasions. On one occasion I was just being so mean probably verbally abusive, and on another I slapped his had away hard when he wasn't letting me remove the mucus from the back of his throat. He was a gift from God to see what really matters in life and I couldn't see it. Is there anyone out there that feels something similar to this? I feel so bad for my dad. He was so innocent at the end. He died right in front of me and I didn't even know he was dying. He died suddenly from a blood clot. I wish I could reverse time. I asked him for forgiveness months before he passed away, but that doesn't take away my regret and remorse. I should have fought harder for him as well against all those foreign MD's and unloving nurses that have no respect for the sanctity of life. It's okay to choose to die, but why is it frowned upon to choose to live. He could talk, hear, love, cry, pray, hope, dream, breath, think, and feel. Maybe it wouldn't have been so hard for me if it wasn't so hard getting care for him and getting some help for choosing life. Regardless, I'm sorry papa for not loving you better. I could have done better and right now I would be feeling victorious for everything I gave, but instead I failed. I'm sorry.

As a caregiver, you had a huge burden of responsibility. I can understand your frustration.

It happened to me from time to time when I took care of my mom. But what you did is a good thing. Your conscience should be clear - because you DID something...you took care of him. That's all that God asks of us, I suppose. To do our best as human beings and take care of the ones we love.

I will pray for you and you loved ones.