Really Lost and Confused

[81vette7]

My wife and have been having issues since July. I recently moved out 12-1-2011. I was somewhat forced to move out and leave her and the boys in the house otherwise she was going to leave and take one of the boys. I could not allow the boys to be separated, so I made the decision to leave to keep the kids' lives somewhat intact. Huge mistake. The last two weeks have been absolutely horrible. I have been miserable and lonely and I miss the boys more and more daily. I love her and the kids more than words can express and have been depressed since before I moved into the apt.

In addition, my mother has had breast cancer since 2001, with my step father tirelessly taking care of her. At the time they diagnosed it, they gave her 4 months to live. She has been fighting it ever since using alternative/non-western medicine and has made it 10 years, although slowly deteriorating over the years. 12-14-2011 she went in for a routine procedure she has had done 60+ plus times to drain fluid from the lung pleura. Long story short, she crashed and ended up on a ventilator/life support. Shortly after I arrived at the hospital my step father produced a "living will" which my mother had filled out and signed in 2009 with witnesses and notarization, which I was unaware of. My first thought was that she should immediately be removed from the ventilator, but my step father was refusing to honor it. It was horrible. 12-16-2011, my step father relented and the hospital took her off life support. I held her hand as she slowly slipped away 15 or so minutes later. I have barely slept since and the sound of the monitors as she slipped away at the hospital is haunting me. In addition, now I feel like it was my decision to remove the life support and the guilt is unbearable.

I feel so alone, abandoned, and guilty. I am not eating, sleeping, and barely functioning. Friends and relatives are attempting to help and I lash out at anyone and everyone. I have lost my mother, my wife, my kids, my house, my dogs....everything. I have never experienced anything like this and I am at a total loss on what to do. Based on reading other posts it sounds like the worse part has probably not even begun for me. I cannot believe it gets any worse than this and if it does, I will be a total basket case.

[trying2heal]

81vette

First, I am so sorry for your loss of your mom. I read your post and I really feel for you. I can assure you that you have no reason to feel guilty. If your mom's request was not to remain alive in that fashion, you honored her. Find the solace in knowing that a machine keeping someone alive is not living. I too, lost my mom after a brain aneurysm 14 years ago and the machine is what kept her breathing for 24 hours. We are not intended to live that way! As far as the rest of the family mess, have you and your wife spoken about any of this? I know you said it started in July, so it has been several months already of feeling low. This loss of your mom certainly compounds the pain 10 fold. Can you get to a counselor to talk? I think it could help. You have an awful lot on your plate and maybe a 3rd party would be helpful. I don't know that I have too much advice, but I wish you brighter days ahead. Stay strong!

[debbie8800]

My wife and have been having issues since July. I recently moved out 12-1-2011. I was somewhat forced to move out and leave her and the boys in the house otherwise she was going to leave and take one of the boys. I could not allow the boys to be separated, so I made the decision to leave to keep the kids' lives somewhat intact. Huge mistake. The last two weeks have been absolutely horrible. I have been miserable and lonely and I miss the boys more and more daily. I love her and the kids more than words can express and have been depressed since before I moved into the apt.

In addition, my mother has had breast cancer since 2001, with my step father tirelessly taking care of her. At the time they diagnosed it, they gave her 4 months to live. She has been fighting it ever since using alternative/non-western medicine and has made it 10 years, although slowly deteriorating over the years. 12-14-2011 she went in for a routine procedure she has had done 60+ plus times to drain fluid from the lung pleura. Long story short, she crashed and ended up on a ventilator/life support. Shortly after I arrived at the hospital my step father produced a "living will" which my mother had filled out and signed in 2009 with witnesses and notarization, which I was unaware of. My first thought was that she should immediately be removed from the ventilator, but my step father was refusing to honor it. It was horrible. 12-16-2011, my step father relented and the hospital took her off life support. I held her hand as she slowly slipped away 15 or so minutes later. I have barely slept since and the sound of the monitors as she slipped away at the hospital is haunting me. In addition, now I feel like it was my decision to remove the life support and the guilt is unbearable.

I feel so alone, abandoned, and guilty. I am not eating, sleeping, and barely functioning. Friends and relatives are attempting to help and I lash out at anyone and everyone. I have lost my mother, my wife, my kids, my house, my dogs....everything. I have never experienced anything like this and I am at a total loss on what to do. Based on reading other posts it sounds like the worse part has probably not even begun for me. I cannot believe it gets any worse than this and if it does, I will be a total basket case.

81vette, god bless you. i just lost my mother a month ago, its horrible, please know that it is ok to cry and/or grieve.

You and your wife, wow alot at once. Let things be, i know a apt is depressing, i am living with some stranger and it sucks. I may head to florida. My mother was my everything, i cry often. I

Finally you have your boys no matter what and i saw my mom on a ventilator also. it was horrifying.

I now need to find a new place, a job, etc. I hope things improve for you. Please allow time to grieve for your mother and your ex should understand this.

Prayers and comfort to you. God will bring you better days. Praying you find some peace in all this.

[81vette7]

trying2heal - I agree, keeping her on the machine would have been no life. Yes, I have attempted to speak to my wife about it. But honestly, that really just makes it worse. She has so much resentment towards me that it escalated into a argument. Let me give you some background about my marriage. We have been married 18 years and have 2 wonderful sons, which are now 17 and 14. I have dedicated my life to her and the kids. This past summer my youngest and her went on a quick weekend vacation. Upon their return I asked my son, how it was, and he stated he had fun but Mom was on her phone a lot. I did not think anything of it at first but I also started noticing her on it much more as well and she became very protective of her phone. First warning sign.....and it deteriorated from there. Bottom line, I ended up looking at the cell phone records and there were calls and texts to a number I did not recognize over and over and at times that made it obvious what was going on. I was devastated. I confronted her about it and she readily admitted what was going on. It was at this point she moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom. And it just continued to fall apart from there. I have begged and pleaded to try councelling or anything to try and keep our family together. She just flat refuses stating we are too different. Long story short, I do not know who she is anymore and I feel so betrayed. She shows no compassion whatsoever, she did not even come to the hospital. In fact, the day after Mom passed, she hit me up about divorce proceedings. I agree that I probably need some type of counseling, and I have been looking into the EAP program at the office. I have been attempting to stay strong and set an example for my sons, but I cannot cloak the pain for any length of time. I wear it everywhere I go and in everything I do.

Debbie - The apt is more than depressing. I have nothing. I do not even have a picture on the wall. Every time I try to do anything, I find I do not have what I need. I left everything I could in the family home so the kids lives would stay as stable as possible and not effect them in any way. Mom was my rock. She never said a ill word about anyone her entire life including my wife. I now have no one.

Thank you both for your kind words. I fear I am spiraling out of control.

[ada33r]

81vette,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear mother, there is nothing that puts more grief in one's heart than the loss of a loved one. In your case, you are not only dealing with that pain and grief but you are also dealing with a divorce. We hear of the shocking statistics of divorce but they don't mention the mountains of feelings locked in them. The buckets of tears shed and the immesurable confusion, grief, anxiety and excruciating pain that is suffered, as well as the countless nights spent in sleepless anguish. You will survive this 81vette, but you are likely to carry on the scars for a long time. The book How to Survive Divorce says that "a marital breakdown normally produces a huge eruption of emotions. An eruption which sometimes threatens to obscure your vision. You may swing from certainty to doubt, from anger to guilt, or from trust to suspicion". No one is really gonna understand what you are feeling but yourself.

Keep in mind that divorce is not a cure-all for marital discord and that your children are also involved.

I found a few suggestions in an article entitled "A House Divided- The Impact of Divorce on Adolescents" to help your loved children cope.

• Tell your adolescent what is happening. If possible both parents should do this. Together, let your adolescent know that the decision to divorce is final. Give assurance that he is not to blame and will continue to be loved by both parents.
• Get off the battlefield-the war is over. Some parents remain entangled in conflict long after the divorce. Not only does this deprive adolescents of their parents but it also encourages them to pit one parent against the other in order to get their way.
• Let your adolescent talk. Adolescents may reason, 'If my parents stopped loving each other, they may stop loving me' or 'If my parents broke the rules, why can't I?' To alleviate your adolescent's fears and to correct flawed thinking, give him plenty of opportunity to talk. But a caution: Do not switch roles and look to your adolescent for emotional support. This is your child, not your confidant.
• Encourage the adolescent to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse. The person you divorced is your ex-spouse but not your child's ex-parent. Bad mouthing that person is damaging. Says the book Teens in Turmoil-A Path to Change for Parents, Adolescents, and Their Families: "If parents choose to use their children as artillery on the divorce battlefield, they must expect to reap what they have sown."
• Take care of yourself. At times you will feel overwhelmed. But do not give up. Maintain a healthy routine. If you are a Christian, stay involved in spiritual activities. Doing so will help you and your adolescent to maintain balance. Psalms 18:2 says "Jehovah is my crag and my stronghold and the Provider of escape for me. My God is my rock. I shall take refuge in him, My shield and my horn of salvation, my secure height."

You will be able to avoid some loneliness by doing things for others. If you are busy reaching out and helping others, there is no room for self-pity and loneliness". If this is not possible because of financial or other reasons, you can visit and encourage the sick or others. Maybe helping the elderly with shopping or various chores. Give of yourself in such ways, and you will have increased evidence that there "is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving". (Acts 20:35)

The most precious truth 81vette is that we are promised that death, loneliness, grief, heartbreak and broken families will be a thing of the past. There is plenty of evidence of this from the Bible, and I don't know if you are a Bible reader, but I would be happy to share more thoughts with you if you so wish.

My heart goes out to you and I pray for your ability to cope with what lies ahead.

Kind Regards,

Ada

[debbie8800]

81vette: Hello: Hope you are better today. Have you tried yoga before bed at night. My mom is gone too, I was staying with one friend, going to stay with a different one tommorrow. Living alone is not a great idea, i know you figured that out already, but in your mind you know you have your children.

Something you said, Your barely functioning, you need to address this. Join a gym at night, swim, yoga make friends, join a church and hopefully things will come together again. My mom died too and i am at a loss, i was so so close to her. I was an only child. yep. Don't have any idea what to do without her, my kids are grown and gone.

Hope you have an ok christmas and things get better for you. I am sure they will. I also lost my mother and it sure is devestating. I also joined experienceproject.com and have fun on their listening to all different stories and then playing their games.

Just because you are a man, doesn't mean you can handle everything yourself, give yourself a break and enjoy. I will say prayers for you. Debbie