Lost my mom to addiction

[D Jones]

My mom has struggled with addiction since I was a little kid. Not quite sure when it started. She had a very traumatic upbringing and was an amazing mom in the beginning. She was so heavily involved in school, church, sports for my siblings and I until I was about 10. That’s when the drugs and alcohol really took over. Now I’m 32 and I got the worst call of my life on Valentine’s Day. She had been homeless  off and on most of my life. In and out of rehabs. Recently she had been heavily using meth and drinking. It’s suspected that was the cause and that there was no foul play. It’s so wild to think that would bring me comfort. I miss her so much. 
 

I keep expecting to feel anger but all I’m feeling is sadness. I’m not mad at her. I know she loved us more than anything and if she could have she would have given it up. She knew our boundaries while she was using and respected that. When she was in our life I soaked it up because it always felt like it was a matter of time before she was back to using. And when she wasn’t in my life I grieved. Every single time. I don’t feel guilty like I didn’t do enough. I did everything I could and tried and learned so much. I’m just so sad that this was her life. This beautiful amazing human that had experienced so much trauma that she couldn’t love herself that she self destructed. 
 

My only wish is that I knew what to do now. I’m at this weird part of my grief where I’m feeling very numb. The tears have stopped and I feel frozen.