Can someone be truly honest?

[AidaX]

I know this will sound mean and I am generally the one that calls thing out….. I have said it before, as long as I know, no matter what it is, I can be prepared…. So my question is…. Does it really get better? Seriously, are there out there happy stories … not Facebook happy, just genuinely decent….. please be honest…. I just need to know, so I can apply logics, cuz feeling this whole **** is not going me well for me. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, AidaX said:

I know this will sound mean and I am generally the one that calls thing out….. I have said it before, as long as I know, no matter what it is, I can be prepared…. So my question is…. Does it really get better? Seriously, are there out there happy stories … not Facebook happy, just genuinely decent….. please be honest…. I just need to know, so I can apply logics, cuz feeling this whole **** is not going me well for me. 

I never say bull.  I ALWAYS am honest!  Some don't like it but I'd rather have a straight answer so I can know what I'm dealing with than not.

So in answer to your question, yes, it does get better...not better in that life will ever be as it was, it won't.  (I don't look for "happy" anymore, not exactly how I'd describe growing old alone!)  But I've practiced looking for what I call the "little joys" in life now that my Big Joy is one.  I think over the day and think what I could call that was good.  I know, sometimes it's a stretch to find something but usually I can if I look hard enough...II make those mental notes throughout the day...

Even when we had a horrific snowstorm (not for everyone, but for me with severely damaged hands and continual pain and 10% strength) I found beauty to appreciate.  

But to even give this assessment one has to have been through this a few years...I think Gail said her 5th year, mine was a good four...timetable/attitude/coping skills/everything comes into play, so no one-size-fits-all timetable/prediction.  I suppose someone can will to wallow for life, but I'd rather not if I can help it.  I will ALWAYS remember my big guy, our love, the only man who ever loved me and got me!  We clicked, related, understood, cared about each other!  Missing him...oh and he turned 51 five days before he died on Father's Day 2005.

 

[foreverhis]

I try to always be honest, but not brutal or cruel.  Sometimes I will even preface a reply with "I won't sugarcoat it" because I don't believe that helps.

So my reply is that yes, my grief has evolved.  Of course better is a completely subjective term when talking about losing the love of your life, but yes, my life is better than it was 4-1/2 years ago.  Here's where I won't sugarcoat it:  It took well into my fourth year for me to truly feel a happiness.  It's a different, "smaller" happiness to be sure, but I have found it.  I will miss John every day for the rest of my life; I will grieve his absence.  How could it be otherwise?  I accept that my life is irrevocably changed and not for the better.  Yet, I do not constantly feel tsunamis of painful emotions washing over me all the time now; the waves come less often and when they do, they're smaller, more manageable.  I have learned to carry my grief, along with my love and happy memories, rather than it crushing me under its weight as it did for a long time.  There were times in the first 2 years when I was certain I would never feel anything but overwhelming sadness, lonliness, and pain.  I understand now that it is typical.  Though our grief journeys are unique to each of us, there are absolutely things we share in common.

I started seeing little bits of light and hope toward the end of my first year, a number of months after I found myself on this forum.  These were the small things that I often, maybe usually, didn't have the strength or desire to reach for.  Slowly and with the support and care of our friends and family, as well as the wonderful members here, I started reaching out more, finding a little joy, a smile, or even a laugh.  It took a long time for me to realize that every smile or laugh was not a betrayal of John's love and his death.  I don't subscribe to the platitude of "They would want you to be happy" because that's "Well, no kidding!  You think you know what he'd want better than I do?  You don't think what he'd really want would be to still be here with us?"  And certainly, knowing us as our soulmates do, they'd also realize it would take us a very long time to find any "happy" in a world altered beyond recognition and with our shattered lives and hearts.  And so I say instead that we should try to move forward slowly and "pick up" small moments of joy where we can.  Over time, those moments become easier to see and grasp. 

But all of these 4-1/2 years for me are filled with missing my love.  It's just that as my grief and life have evolved, so has the way I interact with the world.

[AidaX]

Thank you everyone for sharing….. it means a lot. 

[KayC]

Mikey, when I compare week one and two with nearly 18 years later, I can use the relevance of "better" ...it does not feel the same shock and devastation it did in the beginning.  But again, as I've said before, we are all different, and if a person focuses only on negative and does nothing to help their grief (and I'm not insinuating that's you), doesn't get counseling, go to grief support groups, doesn't reach out to others, doesn't read books and articles about grief, doesn't interact with grief forums, they won't likely continue with any positivity about life.  It takes work.  My Marty (retired grief counselor, owner/adm. of website griefhealing.com)) has often said, "If you don't do the grief work, nothing will change."  It's true.  Our outlook, attitude, efforts, probably even our placement in our family, all come into play with the outcome.  And it can take years, everyone's timetable is unique. 

Years I felt I'd lost purpose, then one day I realized my purpose...my  purpose is here, and later on it expanded to helping diabetic groups, and is very much a part of my life there too...two-fold as my husband died of diabetic complications doing what the medical community said...then after he died, I also was diagnosed...eventually I realized I'd been sold a bill of goods (Rxs) that were not helping and my condition was worsening!  I began to learn about it, read studies, discover the lies we'd been fed by the 50+ years of guidelines doctors have been taught!  I've turned my life around, the many conditions I'd had were related to diabetes and I've reversed them all!  Continuing to learn and will until the day I die! 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, MikeyD said:

Diabetes comes from eating too much sugar in most cases

Yet it can strike skinny people and people who don't eat much sugar...it comes from carbs, pure and simple, which big companies like Kellogg foist on us and our gov't even hands them out, look what the food banks give away.  Years before a doctor pronounces us diabetic, it is lurking...I remember my eye doctor telling me I'd have it someday...I was in my low 20s, A1Cs great, he could tell in my eyes.  He was right..

I only say this because as part of my legacy to George I try to help people with diabetes.  I'm sorry I posted it here.

[DougH]

On 2/17/2023 at 10:21 PM, AidaX said:

I know this will sound mean and I am generally the one that calls thing out….. I have said it before, as long as I know, no matter what it is, I can be prepared…. So my question is…. Does it really get better? Seriously, are there out there happy stories … not Facebook happy, just genuinely decent….. please be honest…. I just need to know, so I can apply logics, cuz feeling this whole **** is not going me well for me. 

For me no. I lost my wife in May 2022 and 9 months later. I would say over all plain and simple, it turns your life upside down. I started dating 3 women and they all stay distant which makes things worse. I am desperately lonely being married 60 years and this has affected my physical self to point I can bearly hang on. After grief therapists, grief groups, I have found there is no reason to go on.

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, DougH said:

I am desperately lonely being married 60 years and this has affected my physical self to point I can bearly hang on.

I am so sorry, you have lived an entire life with your wife, it must be very hard without her there by your side!  My heart goes out to you.

Are you suffering a physical ailment or are you referring to your broken heart?  

[DougH]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, you have lived an entire life with your wife, it must be very hard without her there by your side!  My heart goes out to you.

Are you suffering a physical ailment or are you referring to your broken heart?  

 

[DougH]

1 minute ago, DougH said:

 

Post cancer problems that are extreme. I suffer here alone the physical and the grief from losing my wife and all 3 childern.

[movingon]

@DougHoh my, I am so sorry, your losses are extreme. Do you have anyone to help with  your physical condition? 

[Gail 8588]

@AidaX

I'm late to this thread, but I'll add my truth. 

Life is much better for me now (beginning year 7) than it was.  Years 1 - 3 were completely without happiness.  I was dead to the world, barely able to function. Everything was pointless without my love by my side.  By the end of year 3, I was suicidal.  I could not go on as I had been, either in pain or a zombie.  I had no life.

Fortunately, in year 4 things did gradually change. My life, my enjoyment of life, my participation in life, got better.  And it seems to me it is still continuing to improve.

I don't believe my life will ever be as good as it was with my husband of 38 years.  That is too high a bar to reach.  But I am living again. I care about all sorts of things that seemed pointless during my early grief.  I am glad to be alive and want to stay here for a good many years more. 

There are still times that I miss my spouse terribly, but I am no longer constantly under that crushing weight of grief.  

Gail 

 

[DougH]

3 hours ago, maud said:

@DougHoh my, I am so sorry, your losses are extreme. Do you have anyone to help with  your physical condition? 

No

[April Ballou]

@DougH 60 years wow, that's longer than I have been alive.  The truth is I hate being alone.  Nobody to talk to.  This is the first time I have ever been alone.  I trust God will see me through.   I has my dear sweet husband 38 years.  @MikeyDI see you were married 38 years, we have something else in common.  I would like to get to know anyone that's interested.   If you are interested just email me my email address is anny5965@gmail.com 

[William M]

Just into year 2 for me.  The relentless nonstop agonizing grief has started to fade somewhat. Some days I'm still very sad, and some days I'm just OK. I mainly just work and concentrate on tasks such as organizing and house repair. I may be trying to repress these feelings as sometimes out of the blue, in a moment of extreme clarity, it will hit me that she's really truly gone forever and I freak out 😞

I feel sometimes I'm losing her to the distant past  Perhaps that's why the grief gets better over time? Regardless, I despise that feeling of her becoming a memory rather than a real person that existed not to long ago?  Does that make sense?

So I guess it does get better somewhat even after just a year. How much better I still don't know, but I may already be at "as good as it gets" which I have to say isn't so great.

The tough part we were both looking forward to retirement, with plans to take it easy and see some sites.  Now that all gone, which leaves me with nothing to look forward to now.

[AidaX]

54 minutes ago, William M said:I feel sometimes I'm losing her to the distant past  Perhaps that's why the grief gets better over time? Regardless, I despise that feeling of her becoming a memory rather than a real person that existed not to long ago?  Does that make sense?

that’s make SOOO much sense and kind of sux…..my son has been sad recently as he said he is scared of forgetting daddy…… we both cried…..

[KayC]

23 hours ago, DougH said:

Post cancer problems that are extreme. I suffer here alone the physical and the grief from losing my wife and all 3 childern.

I am so sorry!  You truly have more to bear than I do, and I wish so much for you that someone could at least help you with the post cancer problems, another with the grief.

I don't know what to offer other than try to look for help, call senior services, your cancer center, try to get suggestions, also hospice about your dealing with your grief of loved ones.  Did each one die separately or all at once?
Words of Comfort
Grief specialist

You can contact churches about grief support groups and check in your community.  I wish you lived here, I'd know where, but alas, every community is different.

[AJ4]

My (step)mother in law is an inspiration to me.  Her first husband died relatively young, and she really loved him.  However, ever since I have known her she has been a genuine, good, relatively happy person.  I met her when my husband's dad married her, which was just before my husband and I married.   After my husband died we had several heart to heart talks about grief and she inspired me that way to look at my future being less bleak than I felt.   

[Sally72]

On 2/21/2023 at 9:51 PM, William M said:

I feel sometimes I'm losing her to the distant past  Perhaps that's why the grief gets better over time? Regardless, I despise that feeling of her becoming a memory rather than a real person that existed not to long ago?  Does that make sense?

The tough part we were both looking forward to retirement, with plans to take it easy and see some sites.  Now that all gone, which leaves me with nothing to look forward to now.

@William M That is a great way of articulating it! I too hate the thought of him becoming just a memory. Yes, it makes so much sense!! 

I am right with you on this also William, my husband and I had started talking about “after the girls are married”, and making plans. …now I’m looking at that time with dread and a big, huge hole, and emptiness in my life. My last is now seriously dating and the house is SO empty when she is gone, I can’t even let myself think to long on her being gone for good. Instead of Jeff and I enjoying that time together after they are married, I now cry when I think of my second/last daughter getting married! (I’m expecting it won’t be long now) The loneliness and and emptiness are to much. So I try to pretend it is far off and all the while it looms like a big dark cloud on my horizon, just biding it’s time until it becomes a horrid reality. I know I would never ever want to keep her from her own life and happiness! … it’s just that it changes SO much for me!

(((hugs))) William! I know it doesn’t change anything for you necessarily, but I just wanted to say I care and know to some extent what you are feeling/going through. Take care! 

[RichS]

My friend the grief counselor just sent me this article. Hope it helps some one on this board:

Many of the things you’ve heard about getting over grief, going back to normal, and moving on – they are misrepresentations of what it means to love someone who has died. I know us human people appreciate things like closure and resolution, but this isn’t how grief goes. This isn’t to say that recovery doesn’t have a place in grief – it’s simply ‘what’ we’re recovering from that needs to be redefined. To “recover” means to return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength, and as many would attest, when someone very significant dies, we never return to a pre-loss “normal”. The loss, the person who died, our grief – they all get integrated into our lives, and they profoundly change how we live and experience the world.

 

Grief is one of those experiences that can never be fully understood until we actually experience it and, until that time, all a person has to go on is what they’ve observed and what they’ve been told.

        The words we use to label and describe grief matter, and, in many ways, these words have been misrepresented for decades. Words like “move on” “get over it” “forget it’ have left many feeling inadequate when it comes to dealing with their grief. Interestingly, when many of these words were first used by grief theorists starting in the early 20^th century, their intent was to help people move through grief. In the contexts in which they were used, they were meant to be an avenue to move beyond grief. It’s when these descriptions reach those that are grieving, they become misapplied and become twisted. In fact, they serve to make the griever angry and make them want to scream, “You just don’t get it”! No one really gets it until it’s their ptime to grieve and the it becomes abundantly clear that simple phrases don’t lessen or eliminate grief.

My Grief is Raw

        Raw grief feels like drowning. We fight as our body merely wants to do what is natural, just breathe. The burn in the chest. The enveloping darkness. The pound of every pulse reminding us that we feel we’re surrounded on all sides by what we can’t escape. That is how raw grief feels. Every single reality check is our heart trying to comprehend what our brain is telling us is true. The finality of loss and the vapor of a life we can no longer grasp. Raw grief is being numb to everything but the pain. This fog of indifference envelopes us. We didn’t comb our hair today. The plants didn’t get watered. Who cares? Not us. We’re just trying to get through the day. It’s been said to forget about our toe hurting, smash a finger. Well, that is how we feel. The throb in our soul drowns out all other cares. Raw grief is dealing with firsts. Not just the big ones like anniversaries and birthdays, but the little ones. The first piece of mail addressed to him. The first phone call asking for him that you have to utter those infamous words. The first trip to the grocery store where your shopping list doesn’t include his things. The first family function where his absence is felt everywhere. Raw grief is being full of senseless thoughts. What would he say if he were here? How would I respond if he walked in this room right now? How would he handle this if the roles were switched? And we torture ourselves with the impossible. We make ourselves miserable with these thoughts but can’t let go of them. Raw grief is the word ‘never’ becoming a foul word because it taunts us with what will never be again. He will never sit in that chair again. He will never watch this show with me. He will never…you begin to hate that word. Raw grief is that obsession of memories. It’s like trying to grasp the wind, we desperately try to hang on to them.

As Time Goes By

        The first year after a loss does allow our brains to become more accustomed to a world without our loved one. That doesn’t make it easier to accept that they’re gone or magically make life less complex. But over time it does take away some of the shock and debilitating overwhelm of early grief. In that first year we learn who is there to support us. Ideally, we find some coping tools along the way. We begin the slow process of proving to ourselves that we can survive. It’s tempting to think that with all that in place, year two MUST be easier. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we have been slowly learning to carry our grief differently. Our brain has had more time adjust to the reality that our loved one is missing in the world. We now know what that feels like. It is still just as devastating, but it is no longer new. And we’ve hopefully found some ways to self-soothe and ground ourselves when the thoughts and emotions come. With this in mind, revisiting some of those things we thought were ‘impossible’ or ‘too much’ in year one can be a really good thing. We may find ourselves better able revisit certain places, people, or reminders. Yes, it will still be painful. But we may be able to now tolerate that pain so that we can now find some comfort.  Continuing this process of visiting and revisiting throughout grief, knowing that what we need will always evolve, is a helpful skill.

        The first year: It generally takes about a year to realize how much has changed in our life emotionally, and from day to day. Some things only come up once a year, like celebrating a birthday or Christmas, or doing something the person who has died used to do, like renewing the car insurance. Each time one of these things happens, we are reminded of our loss, and our feelings of grief may come to the surface. It may feel as if we are on an emotional roller coaster, where one minute we’re coping and the next we feel overwhelmed by grief. We are likely to find we have some good days and some bad days. As time passes, the balance between good days and bad days shifts and gradually we’ll find we have more good days and fewer bad days.

        Two years on: Although the intensity of our feelings may lessen over time, there is no timetable for how long we will grieve. The length of time is different for each person. For most people their mourning period is a long process, and it can take years. After about two years we are likely to know the places, events and occasions that trigger our emotions. As we start to know these, we’ll also learn what helps us to cope with them. After a while people around us – family, friends may forget what we’ve been through or may encourage us to move on. (Which is a terrible phrase) We may even feel that we ought to have moved on. But the goal is not to move on. The goal is to move forward. Our grief is not something that can or should be ‘fixed’. The goal is to find a way to live with and cope with our feelings. We may eventually come to a point where our feelings of grief are a reminder of the person, and that in itself can be a source of comfort.

Not Why but What

        When something unexpected happens in our life, or in our world, it’s easy for us to ask God why it happened. Yet the answer to why doesn’t help us heal. But knowing that God’s glory can be displayed, even in the brokenness of our lives, gives us hope despite our circumstances. As the years go on, we begin to find more purpose and joy in our life when we set aside the why question and begin to ask what now God. In Romans 8:28 we’re told that all things work together for good — a good that, frankly, we sometimes don’t understand. Maybe you’ve never thought of how God could use what you’re going through for His glory. Maybe this is new to you. If so, let me help get you started by giving you a few questions: God Not Why but What: What other question is there besides “Why God”? Studies have concluded that our built-in drive to find out more about the trials of life drives us to seek answers to unanswered questions. Perhaps the question to ask is not “why?” but “what?” What do you want me to understand from this journey? What good do you want to come from this? What testimony will I have from this?” God most often doesn’t answer the ‘why’ questions, but eventually He answers some of the ‘what’ questions. Scripture indicates God’s way of thinking is totally different than our own. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.” Isiah 55:8. By asking “what?” instead of “why?” God is at the forefront of our life. Asking “what?” suggests we allow God to be the ruler of our life and put our trust in Him. Ask God these WHAT questions about yourself.

• What do You want me to know about my current state of grief?
• What are You doing in my life right now?
• What do You say about the pain I’m experiencing right now?
• What do You want me to know about my future?

·        God What can I do with Your help to work through my grief and pain?

        We should eventually come to a point where we say, “I don’t know why my life looks this way, but I don’t have to understand why. It’s enough for me to believe that God has a plan and that He has promised He will never leave or forsake me, and He will be by my side through every trial I face.” I know this goes against everything we think we want, but there is freedom in not having all of the answers — especially the answer to why because we are struggling to know what direction our life is going in. Questions such as “what now” “who am I without___”? ‘Why did this have to happen now”? Our faithful and compassionate God allows us to ask any question we want no matter how difficult. However, don’t lose another day of your life asking unproductive why questions that won’t be answered. When the time is right, move forward with the understanding that you’ll never know why this loss at this time.  If you knew all the answers to the why questions, would it change your grief? Probably not. The pain of loss would still be evident. So, at this point, trust God and let him lead, guide, and direct you. It will come in due time.  

[Sally72]

@RichS Thank you for sharing❣️ So much of that I have found to be true. And yes, looking to Jesus is the only answer! That doesn’t mean I have it “all together”, I struggle with this all too…  just that He is my rock when life seems to be all falling apart. 
Anyone who believes in prayer and who cares to pray for me I would appreciate prayers! Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of Jeff’s accident. And this couple weeks, from now until after the anniversary of his death are especially hard. 💔 Love and (((hugs))) to all! 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you for sharing. That is something I really needed to read. 

I am not religious in the slightest, but the rest of it really resonates.

[April Ballou]

@Alone. Again. I'm no preacher but I do know that my life wouldn't exist without God.  He has brought me every step of the way.  @Sally72 I will be praying for you.  It's the holidays and anniversaries that are hard.  But I know God will comfort and keep you.  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Sally72 said:

Anyone who believes in prayer and who cares to pray for me I would appreciate prayers! Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of Jeff’s accident. And this couple weeks, from now until after the anniversary of his death are especially hard. 💔 Love and (((hugs))) to all!

You have my prayers.  (((hugs)))

 

[Saba]

On 2/17/2023 at 9:21 PM, AidaX said:

I know this will sound mean and I am generally the one that calls thing out….. I have said it before, as long as I know, no matter what it is, I can be prepared…. So my question is…. Does it really get better? Seriously, are there out there happy stories … not Facebook happy, just genuinely decent….. please be honest…. I just need to know, so I can apply logics, cuz feeling this whole **** is not going me well for me. 

I feel the exact same way as you. EXACT.  Love and light to you 💛

 

[Saba]

On 2/18/2023 at 1:13 PM, foreverhis said:

I try to always be honest, but not brutal or cruel.  Sometimes I will even preface a reply with "I won't sugarcoat it" because I don't believe that helps.

So my reply is that yes, my grief has evolved.  Of course better is a completely subjective term when talking about losing the love of your life, but yes, my life is better than it was 4-1/2 years ago.  Here's where I won't sugarcoat it:  It took well into my fourth year for me to truly feel a happiness.  It's a different, "smaller" happiness to be sure, but I have found it.  I will miss John every day for the rest of my life; I will grieve his absence.  How could it be otherwise?  I accept that my life is irrevocably changed and not for the better.  Yet, I do not constantly feel tsunamis of painful emotions washing over me all the time now; the waves come less often and when they do, they're smaller, more manageable.  I have learned to carry my grief, along with my love and happy memories, rather than it crushing me under its weight as it did for a long time.  There were times in the first 2 years when I was certain I would never feel anything but overwhelming sadness, lonliness, and pain.  I understand now that it is typical.  Though our grief journeys are unique to each of us, there are absolutely things we share in common.

I started seeing little bits of light and hope toward the end of my first year, a number of months after I found myself on this forum.  These were the small things that I often, maybe usually, didn't have the strength or desire to reach for.  Slowly and with the support and care of our friends and family, as well as the wonderful members here, I started reaching out more, finding a little joy, a smile, or even a laugh.  It took a long time for me to realize that every smile or laugh was not a betrayal of John's love and his death.  I don't subscribe to the platitude of "They would want you to be happy" because that's "Well, no kidding!  You think you know what he'd want better than I do?  You don't think what he'd really want would be to still be here with us?"  And certainly, knowing us as our soulmates do, they'd also realize it would take us a very long time to find any "happy" in a world altered beyond recognition and with our shattered lives and hearts.  And so I say instead that we should try to move forward slowly and "pick up" small moments of joy where we can.  Over time, those moments become easier to see and grasp. 

But all of these 4-1/2 years for me are filled with missing my love.  It's just that as my grief and life have evolved, so has the way I interact with the world.

I greatly appreciate this response. Thank you!

[Saba]

On 2/21/2023 at 6:51 PM, William M said:

Just into year 2 for me.  The relentless nonstop agonizing grief has started to fade somewhat. Some days I'm still very sad, and some days I'm just OK. I mainly just work and concentrate on tasks such as organizing and house repair. I may be trying to repress these feelings as sometimes out of the blue, in a moment of extreme clarity, it will hit me that she's really truly gone forever and I freak out 😞

I feel sometimes I'm losing her to the distant past  Perhaps that's why the grief gets better over time? Regardless, I despise that feeling of her becoming a memory rather than a real person that existed not to long ago?  Does that make sense?

So I guess it does get better somewhat even after just a year. How much better I still don't know, but I may already be at "as good as it gets" which I have to say isn't so great.

The tough part we were both looking forward to retirement, with plans to take it easy and see some sites.  Now that all gone, which leaves me with nothing to look forward to now.

I feel the same way as you, exactly. I get so sad and angry and the thought of my honey just being a 'memory'. I dread when his name will be mentioned less and less. The thought alone shatters my heart