Tough year

[Tigeru]

I’m 46 and lost my girlfriend this week. 3 years of being together. She lost her daughter a few months before we met and that led to her being down a lot. It wasn’t a red flag to me as there were great times. Her family says I kept her going as she might have died of her broken heart a few years ago who knows? I recently moved in with and don’t know where I’ll go. My aunt died in December and my mom in January. It has just been an awful year. If even one person can guide me it’s more than nothing. I appreciate any support you can give.

[widower2]

I'm very sorry for your loss. You were obviously a great gift to your girlfriend and it's great that her family recognizes that as well. I hope that her and/or your family as well as friends can be helpful in this time.  Try and just take one day at a time; that's more than enough. And try to keep busy in any way possible...being able to focus on something else, anything else, can help. 

[DWS]

My heart goes out to you. That is an awful year with a lot of tremendous loss for you to deal with...particularly after you and your girlfriend made the big decision of you moving in. Because you're wondering where you'll go, does that mean you aren't able to stay in her home? If that's the case, I guess that's one thing you will have to work out but with this just being a week, please don't feel you should be doing much else other than coping with the pain of your losses. You're likely in the midst of shock and bewilderment right now. You've had the rug pulled out from under you which is unfair and scary as hell. Hopefully you have family and a friend or two who fully understand and are there for you. You've found a place here as well if you aren't finding much support. As widower2 said, you can only do this one day at a time and don't place too much expectation on yourself that you should be doing better. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Tigeru said:

I’m 46 and lost my girlfriend this week.

I am so sorry, I remember myself during that early time, very hard...you're ahead of me, it was two weeks before I found my online grief forum that became my salvation through this.  I thank God for it and hope that will be your experience as well.  We welcome you here, you're part of our grief family now, if you want to be.  I am very sorry for your loss, that you are going through this.  It helps to read/post, to know there are others that get it and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Tigeru said:

My aunt died in December and my mom in January.

That is a lot to deal with. I lost my closest sister, Peggy, favorite aunt, Aunt Sue, and Uncle Jim this last year, my BIL Bert two years ago...it is so hard, it feels my family is dwindling.  Sister Julie struck with Guillain-Barre (paralysis), and another sister blind, and one more died 4 1/2 years ago, parents long gone.  

I want to leave you with this article in the hopes it's of some help to you...Multiple Losses

[Mama_Bear_11]

I am so sorry. 2022 was a terrible year for me, too - lost my sister, my father in law, an uncle, 2 cousins and my husband. Almost all were to cancer or related to cancer! I feel like I lost my anchor, my dock and my sails, but have to keep sailing! It sucks. Please hang in there.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Mama_Bear_11 said:

I am so sorry. 2022 was a terrible year for me, too - lost my sister, my father in law, an uncle, 2 cousins and my husband. Almost all were to cancer or related to cancer! I feel like I lost my anchor, my dock and my sails, but have to keep sailing! It sucks. Please hang in there.

I am so sorry for all of your losses, it can really hit you with so many.  Irreversible changes, all the good times we had...

There are still good times ahead though, not the same as they once were, but our lives aren't over yet.

[Tigeru]

It’s been 4 days. Parts of me haven’t accepted it or processed it yet I don’t know. I’m heartbroken, devastated and scared for the future. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Tigeru said:

I’m heartbroken, devastated and scared for the future. 

It can take a very long time to process grief, I'm not talking months, I'm talking years...try not to think about the future, you have enough to handle with today.  Just do today.  Tomorrow get up and do tomorrow.  This is how I've lived the last nearly 18 years, it's how I'll do the rest of my life.  To think about the future invites anxiety, to dwell on the past unduly it invites depression.  Stay in today.