Members Popular Post Deborah_M Posted February 18, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 Thursday I was having a good day, joined fellow seniors in a game of bean-bag baseball. First time for me...it was fun and I forgot for awhile the hurt inside and the feeling of being alone. Have not been sleeping for the past 3 days too much on my mind. Then slowly today that awful feeling of feeling, "Im' going all about this wrong". Am I running to a new life or running away from my old life? Where did all the happiness go? Can't find it, Where did all the people I care about Go? It's got to be me, Their lives are still there...Where is mine? some time today I felt as if I crossed the line..."get back where you belong" "You have nothing to offer, no hope, no cheer, no good will. Now, I have to endure tomorrow...I've accepted this is how it's going to be until the day I die, that's ok I understand. I am alone in my loneliness. Somehow, I'll find away to finish this journey, just hope it doesn't take too long. I don't feel like being brave and strong right now. I just want the one I love again with me. Why? so much pain? Yes! I know it's called depression, just seemed to come on like a whisper. I'll do what I always do...cry...feel sorry for my self...and get up tomorrow and hope for a better day. Sorry If I crossed over the line, It won't happen again. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members movingon Posted February 18, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 Oh Deborah I'm sorry for today, especially after the nice day you had yesterday. Yes, the depression, that's the hard one I find. I think I felt better when I was in shock. I don't know if and how many of us will ever have a new life, I see it as maybe just feeling comfortable, finding some serenity, some peace, in the continuation of my old life, without John. Please don't give up hope for a better day. My days are filled with such different moments, if I distract myself by doing things to physical exhaustion, the day passes faster and I don't think as much about the sad state of my life. If someone says something hurtful, I'm upset, I dwell on their mean spiritedness, I cry. Then there are moments when someone is kind and my faith in humanity is restored. Then there are moments when it's just complete and utter disbelief that like you said...this is how it's going to be until the day I die and I weep until my body is weak and exhausted. Every day seems to have different moments for me, maybe that's what is keeping me here...because maybe one day a moment of joy will find us. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted February 18, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 1 hour ago, Deborah_M said: Thursday I was having a good day, joined fellow seniors in a game of bean-bag baseball. First time for me...it was fun and I forgot for awhile the hurt inside and the feeling of being alone. That's great! You see, you can still have those moments. Quote Now, I have to endure tomorrow...I've accepted this is how it's going to be until the day I die, I can't promise anything of course, but realistically, no it isn't. You are in what IMO is the hardest time in this terrible journey...after the initial shock is wearing off and the flurry of activity (funeral arrangements, the funeral itself, paperwork, people calling or sending cards etc) has died down...and everyone ELSE has "gotten back to their life," not truly realizing that you can't do that. But over time, while it never gets easy, it should get easiER. Hold on. Believe it or not, you can do this. Quote Sorry If I crossed over the line, It won't happen again. I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. You didn't cross any line - you vented, and for the best of all possible reasons. You NEED to vent, and this is a good place to do it. Please, if you need to, feel free to do it again. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted February 18, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 @Deborah_M Deborah, No line was crossed that you should struggle to avoid. Like Widower2 says, venting our feelings here is one thing we can do. It does help to relieve some pressure. We are all so sorry that you are in this pain. It's real. It hurts. We understand because we have experienced this terrible loss too. You are not alone in this pain. Gail 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tigeru Posted February 18, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 I’m 46 and lost my girlfriend this week. 3 years of being together. She lost her daughter a few months before we met and that led to her being down a lot. It wasn’t a red flag to me as there were great times. Her family says I kept her going as she might have died of her broken heart a few years ago who knows? I recently moved in with and don’t know where I’ll go. My aunt died in December and my mom in January. It has just been an awful year. If even one person can guide me it’s more than nothing. I appreciate any support you can give. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted February 18, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 @Tigeru Tigeru, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is such a shock to our mind and body to lose the person we planned on spending our life with. If you can continue to live where you lived with her, I would try to do that. At least for a few months, to get your feet back under you. Your world has been shattered by her death, it is very hard to think clearly or make decisions right now. If circumstances require you to move out right away, ask for help from someone you trust to make good decisions on your behalf. My sister-in-law did this for me. I couldn't cope with all the changes I had to make. She stepped in and made decisions for me, and I am very grateful. I hope her family will be kind to you. Don't try to figure out the rest of your life right now. Just focus on getting through what you must do today. The tasks that must be done today, are challenging enough. Be kind to yourself. Gail 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted February 18, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 Tigeru: Gail summed it up very nicely. I’m a new member here, myself; and can tell you that this board contains people who are not only going through similar experiences of grief, but in their pain still find the time to be sympathetic and helpful to others. You’ve come to a good place. WELCOME! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members movingon Posted February 18, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 @Tigeruyou will find guidance here in this group. I'm so sorry for your loss,stay with this group and you will find a place where you will gradually start to feel less alone, where you can speak your thoughts and be surrounded by caring people who understand what you are going through. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 18, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 11 hours ago, Deborah_M said: some time today I felt as if I crossed the line..."get back where you belong" "You have nothing to offer, no hope, no cheer, no good will. I'm sorry, that sounds like Satan talking for a lack of another way to put it...sorry to those who don't believe in him. At any rate, whatever it is, it's challenging to deal with but please tell those negative thoughts to take a hike. The reason I'm feeling this was like an attack on you is because you'd been trying, doing your best, having fun...almost like someone is challenging it! Doesn't want you there! I know it's not you, and it's not those who love you, it certainly isn't your husband! It can take a few years to get through the up and downs of this journey, I just addressed that in someone's thread wanting honesty. 11 hours ago, Deborah_M said: I don't feel like being brave and strong right now. Oh Hon, none of us do all the time. Times I get tired of being the only one to shovel snow, figure out answers, etc...but I keep going, feelings or not. Remember, feelings are not facts! The person who is brave is not the one who is never scared. The one who is brave is the one that continues in the face of being afraid! For nearly 18 years I've got up and done the day. It's very hard sometimes. I'll never forget the snowpocalypse 2/24/19, 4 ft 5" of unpredicted snow came down at once and froze down to 18 degrees. Winds howled around us, our power and phone went out. Food thawed and rotted. In the middle of the night my dog Arlie and I could hear trees cracking and breaking in the dark...I live among a forest, lots of trees...never knowing at which moment another would come down and hit us. I'm not the kind of person with the luck that it would kill us instantly. Nine days this went on, no power, no water, no garbage service, no mail, and no county plows. Unbeknownst to me our town was cut off from the world, we made national news. But I knew none of that. No Salvation Army showed up. I remember a neighbor came to the door with bottled water. Another with fruit. I don't know how they made it through the snow. My son showed up day four with a generator. It worked one day and then quit, but it saved my outdoor freezer of food. Someone asked later why I didn't put my food out in the snow...because I was afraid it would attracts bears or cougar, raccoons, skunks. I could not reach the storage room off the garage where my coolers were until my son came, he had to leave the next day so he could get back to work Friday. They only let people through at 1 on a convoy in/out of town, starting Wed. This had started on a Sunday. It was all uncharted territory. Having lived through that helped me so much to learn that I made it through...my yard and driveway were covered in downed trees/limbs, it took me two months to clear them, I started with my dog's yard as I was afraid he'd injure himself jumping on a staub covered with snow. It was hard, it's been since then I've had all my hand injuries, it would be very hard for me to get through that now. I realize you're around my age...that makes it harder to get through this I think, because we're not only dealing with loss of spouse (which entails a LOT!) but growing older alone. That is quite a plateful. But we are here for you. I want to encourage you...God tells us in His word He gives us STRENGTH for today...and that is all I need. Today I need His strength, tomorrow I'll get up and do it all over again. I know, that makes it sound like groundhog day all over again, but it's not, it's just I do one day at a time, that's it, living in this present moment has given me joy for that moment, what more could I ask for? Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace for today, this moment...love you! 10 hours ago, widower2 said: You are in what IMO is the hardest time in this terrible journey...after the initial shock is wearing off and the flurry of activity (funeral arrangements, the funeral itself, paperwork, people calling or sending cards etc) has died down...and everyone ELSE has "gotten back to their life," not truly realizing that you can't do that. But over time, while it never gets easy, it should get easiER. Hold on. Believe it or not, you can do this. You summed up in one paragraph what I meant to say in my whole post. Thank you, @widower2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 18, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18, 2023 Upon further reflection, @Deborah_M I'm wondering if your feelings had to do with a response to having enjoyed yourself...if so, please consider this article:Smile Permission 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deborah_M Posted February 19, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted February 19, 2023 Thanks to everyone who kindly posted to my post. I know you are all correct in what you said...It's just a sad time, too many things pilling up on me. Trying to deal with my son't death I think has caught up to me. When my son died I was in shock and before I could process the grief my husband died two weeks later...between dealing with all the other stuff that comes with this I feel so lost and helpless. My son's birthday is coming up...I keep pushing it out of my mind trying not to think about it...I'll never get to see him again, won't get to talk to him again...It SUCKS! Sorry, I can't express what I'm feeling right now... KayC, you are right, Satan is trying to gain a foot hold...Thoughts keep coming into my mind and I keep praying God's angel will protect me and I do reject satan...But thank you for mentioning that to me. He is trying hard to get to me. Pray a prayer of protection for me, please. Maud, LostThomas and everyone else, thank you for caring, I'll be alright and back on soon. Until then....Thank You...love each of you. You are all special people. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members movingon Posted February 20, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 20, 2023 And you are special Deborah for staying here with us and sharing your heartbreak. Your pain shared with us becomes a part of us as well. We all care deeply for you and each other here. We will carry you and hold you as you go through this. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 20, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted February 20, 2023 12 hours ago, Deborah_M said: Pray a prayer of protection for me, please. Oh Hon, I did yesterday, and will continue... 12 hours ago, Deborah_M said: When my son died I was in shock and before I could process the grief my husband died two weeks later...between dealing with all the other stuff that comes with this I feel so lost and helpless. My son's birthday is coming up... This feels more than one can bear! I know your heart is breaking...remember, feelings are not facts, and while you are going through these feelings, I pray God will surround you and hold you, and carry you in His arms. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted February 20, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 20, 2023 @Deborah_M I am so sorry that you have suffered so much loss at one time. I know that God is with you. He is watching over you. He will guide you through this. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me. Although I have never lost a child I have lost many. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deborah_M Posted February 21, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2023 On 2/20/2023 at 7:16 AM, April Ballou said: @Deborah_M I am so sorry that you have suffered so much loss at one time. I know that God is with you. He is watching over you. He will guide you through this. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me. Although I have never lost a child I have lost many. Thank you April...your post was special, 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted February 21, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2023 my husband Darrell and myself 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deborah_M Posted February 21, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2023 Love it! now I can see you sweet lady 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted February 21, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2023 Great picture 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sheila With Love Posted February 22, 2023 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2023 Dear One! You do not have to be alone in your struggle to understand why such a loss has occurred and changed your life as much as it has! Please continue to search for that small bit of joy as a part of each day, and don't feel guilty when you do! Your loved one would want that for you. I offer hugs and understanding to you as I've been there. There are still days when I feel lonely, but I try to think back to the good times, and it helps me to know that they were a part of "our" life together. Take a deep breath when you are feeling so out of the loop and jump through it to seek a ray of sunshine that you truly do deserve!! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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