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Lost younger sister suddenly


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Yesterday I got the news that my 21yo sister had passed away due to an (most likely) accidental overdose. 
I'm the oldest of 8 siblings and this was the youngest sister, there were 15 years between us, but we were fairly close. We are fairly close. I know she's been admiring me all her life and thus she has been very close when we actually lived in the same house and such. She was very clingy, in that regard. 
Our family was/is very dysfunctional and there's been all kinds of abuse -- it's a very unhealthy family with toxic parents with their own undealt-with issues. Which was the biggest factor for me when I moved abroad at 23 and have lived away from there ever since. 

It's been over 10 years since I moved, and thus I have had to deal with a lot of attachment issues and "letting go" and stuff on my own, which is probably why this feels "easier" for me than I expect it to do. But at the same time I feel as though I'm not reacting properly.

Said sister had issues for most of her teenage years, as she had mental issues but also substance abuse. Whenever we would meet she would try her best though and she was always sure to let me know how much she loved me and such -- which of course I too, also was sure to let her know. We had a connection that I know I'll always value and treasure and that probably helps me to deal with this. 

I know that it's just the second day, and I'm not expected to necessarily do anything. But, at the same time I can't help but feel that I wanna be "over" this whole "tearing up whenever I think of her"-state already. I'll never forget her, I certainly don't want to, but being this type of person, I don't wanna sit and have my life on pause either. 

Is this normal? 

I haven't grieved anyone since my grandparents died some 20 years ago, and frankly I don't even remember how that went. 

I want to "move on" in a healthy way and remember her in a healthy way without breaking down into tears every single time. This makes me kinda scared to leave home -- I don't wanna be outside and suddenly break down. 

Yesterday I was numb all day, and today I find myself having moments of the same numbness. But it's a little bit easier. Maybe this is normal, but I don't really know so I think I'm looking for some guidance or advice. On google, most things I find are "it's ok to take longer than a few weeks or months to grieve" but my question is rather -- is it ok to attempt to move on sooner rather than later? 

Logically I know there's no right or wrong way to grieve but... I think I seek some validation. 

As I live abroad, there's no way I can afford to go home for the funeral and I actually don't mind this. I'll have a memorial or something for her where I am, so that's fine. But I'm a little worried of how my family will take these news once I tell them. The money issue is true, but considering the toxicity of my family, I don't think it'd be healthy for me to meet them in such an emotional state either. I realized yesterday that I blame my parents a bit (also the failing welfare system) for this whole situation and if I would meet them when they're already grieving and trying to cope, I can't promise that I wouldn't snap or say something that I'd regret. Even if it's true (or not), there's a place and time for everything and throwing that at them in that moment wouldn't be it. 


Is it normal to be this "logical" about things when grieving? I don't really have anyone I can consult about this (I really should get a therapist though) and googling didn't give me much so reaching out for some opinions on this site. 

I apologize if this is all incoherent or all over the place.

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