Complicated Grief and Resentment (TW: Abuse)

[a.erin]

TL;DR: My father was emotionally abusive growing up and years after his death, I'm stuck grieving because I can't get over my anger at him.

I lost my grandmother over the summer and as the months go on, I keep getting worse and worse. I get crying spells where I sob uncontrollably almost every day, my anxiety is so bad that the dissociation is affecting my ability to function (at work, in taking care of myself, everywhere), and there are times when I wish I was dead too. I lost my dad when I was 18 and it was nowhere near this severe, so I couldn't understand why this loss was hitting me so much harder. It's not as if my grandma as I were significantly closer, so it didn't make sense to me until I realized that I just never processed the grief from my father's death and am now dealing with both of them at once. 

For context, I'll be 31 this month, so my father died a long time ago--but I've been unable to work through it because our relationship was so complicated. I can confidently say I loved him more than I'll love almost any other person in my lifetime, but he had his own baggage that made being a good parent difficult for him. He drank too much and was emotionally volatile, had boundary issues so he treated me more like a peer than his child, and could be incredibly selfish and emotionally abusive. One of the most scarring moments of my life was when he found out I had been sexually assaulted by our neighbor and rather than supporting me or acting concerned, he was angry that I had kept a secret from him and didn't talk to me for weeks (I was 15.).

I've spent over a decade hating him and blaming him for so much of why I'm so fucked up as an adult. I told myself I was better off without him, that his death was a blessing in disguise even, but over the last couple of years something has softened and I realize I miss him. He wasn't perfect, but he loved me the best he could, and there were ways in which he was an incredible father. He could tell I was queer as a kid and made a point of telling me that he'd love me regardless of my sexuality without me even coming out, he wrote long/thoughtful letters telling me all the reasons he was proud of me just because, and as two people who had been abused as children, there was a part of me he just got that no one else around me did growing up. 

I'm new to this forum so not 100% sure how it works, but I'm wondering if anyone else on here has experienced working through resentment as they grieve and how it is that they were able to hold space for both the good and the bad in the person that they lost. Because I'm tired of being angry, but I don't know how to let it go. Thanks for reading <3 

[EB4129]

This is something I am going through now and it is very difficult. My mother is terminally ill. It’s horrible and sad to watch her lose function. On top of this is that I have been dealing with resentment of her for many years. After having my daughter 3.5 years ago I had a break down and with the help of a therapist came to the conclusion that my mother is a narcissist who emotionally abused myself and my siblings. This was eye opening for me and I felt I could finally work on my own healing when my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Now it feels like my healing is stalled in a way as I deal with anticipatory grief. It’s so incredibly painful and some days are so difficult to get through. Part of the grief is knowing that I will never get the relationship I wanted. There is a fear I will never be healed and always carry an emptiness inside  

Have you worked with a therapist at all? Not all therapists are created equal but if you find the right one it can be so helpful and stabilizing. Do you have any siblings or supportive family? My sister and aunt have been helpful to me at times. Especially since they also love my mom but know about her abusive behaviors. My favorite book is : adult children of emotionally immature parents. I felt so seen while reading this book and sometimes go back to it to help make sense of what I feel. 
 

 

 

[a.erin]

6 hours ago, EB4129 said:

Now it feels like my healing is stalled in a way as I deal with anticipatory grief.

I'm so sorry that the healing you were so close to being able to begin has been stalled for you. Both of these emotional processes are so difficult just on their own, and having to deal with two at once must seem insurmountable. I'm so glad that you have seen a therapist who's helped you realize this now at least. This has helped me a lot in the past too. If anything, it just gives you a space where you're allowed to feel these things. 

 

6 hours ago, EB4129 said:

Part of the grief is knowing that I will never get the relationship I wanted.

THIS. This was one of the hardest aspects of losing my father, realizing that with death we sorta lose any hope that things could possibly get better with them (I say sorta because I really wanna believe that there's something that comes after life, but who knows really?). My father and I were a lot closer to reconciling just before his stroke. One of my last memories of him was having him visit me at my first job at Starbucks, and me taking a break after I made us lattes and us just sitting on the patio out back and talking. It felt like he was proud of me then. I'm glad I at least have that memory. Still, I felt robbed for a very long time that we never fully made it to where I wanted us to be. Then again, I'll also never know if we ever really could have. The uncertainty kills me.

 

6 hours ago, EB4129 said:

Have you worked with a therapist at all? Not all therapists are created equal but if you find the right one it can be so helpful and stabilizing. Do you have any siblings or supportive family? My sister and aunt have been helpful to me at times. Especially since they also love my mom but know about her abusive behaviors. My favorite book is : adult children of emotionally immature parents. I felt so seen while reading this book and sometimes go back to it to help make sense of what I feel. 

I do have a therapist, but I've found it harder and harder to continue going because I get so anxious in our sessions that I start dissociating and am unable to really work on anything at all. I think I'm terrified of feeling and my body's fighting against it like hell. I'm incredibly blessed with a very supportive mom, though, and incredible friends with emotional generosity on a level I truly think is rare in people, so I'm lucky in that regard. Thank you for the book recommendation. I know I have a lot left to unpack still. It just feels so arduous. 

 

Are you still seeing your therapist now? This is sorta random and it could potentially be milder than what you went through with your mom, but have you seen the movie Ladybird? I'm not sure what your gender is, but I think it's among many things a really great look at difficult relationships between mothers and daughters, and think that even if you're not a woman, the psychology of the mother character is just very real for anyone whose dealt with a critical parent who takes their emotions out on their child. It might be worth a watch if you haven't.

[EB4129]

On 3/1/2023 at 7:44 PM, a.erin said:

I do have a therapist, but I've found it harder and harder to continue going because I get so anxious in our sessions that I start dissociating and am unable to really work on anything at all. I think I'm terrified of feeling and my body's fighting against it like hell. 

Have you talked to your therapist about how you get anxious prior to appts? I think it makes sense since this stuff is really difficult to talk about and even more difficult to actually feel. I would like to do EMDR but haven’t found someone with openings yet. I also think working with a somatic practitioner could be helpful. I get in my head a lot and it’s hard for me to be present in my body. I think it just doesn’t feel completely safe to me yet. I am working on nervous system regulation but it’s a slow go. I am getting better at noticing when I am really dysregulated but coming out of that place is still hard. 
 

I do have a therapist but she hasn’t been as reliable recently (she has canceled a lot). I like her and find her helpful but it’s mostly talk therapy and I think I would benefit from more trauma specific / somatic work. 
 

I am female and I have seen the movie ladybird. It was a good movie! I also have a toddler daughter and am trying so hard to parent her differently than I was raised. I don’t want her to feel responsible for my emotions, happiness, life. I want her to be able to express all of her feelings and teach her how to manage them. 
 

All of this is so challenging. I have some good days where I think I have made progress and then other times I feel I fall flat on my face. 

[a.erin]

On 3/10/2023 at 11:16 PM, EB4129 said:

Have you talked to your therapist about how you get anxious prior to appts?

I have and she's been really understanding and has tried to make an effort to mitigate the anxiety, like doing guided body scans during our sessions our modifying the content so we keep things on the lighter side, although I have a habit of still making it heavy even though it doesn't feel safe going there.

 

On 3/10/2023 at 11:16 PM, EB4129 said:

I would like to do EMDR but haven’t found someone with openings yet.

I had EMDR recommended to me by a therapist once. We only had one sessions before I had to be hospitalized (hopefully no connection lol) though, so I can't speak to its effectiveness. I haven't heard of somatic therapy, though. I did neurofeedback for awhile, and that helped a tiny bit, but it's so expensive to have such a small payoff.

 

On 3/10/2023 at 11:16 PM, EB4129 said:

I am getting better at noticing when I am really dysregulated but coming out of that place is still hard. 

This is very real. They say being able to recognize it is the first step, but it can feel impossible actually getting out of it.

On 3/10/2023 at 11:16 PM, EB4129 said:

I also have a toddler daughter and am trying so hard to parent her differently than I was raised. I don’t want her to feel responsible for my emotions, happiness, life. I want her to be able to express all of her feelings and teach her how to manage them. 

That's honestly beautiful. I think trying to make sure we don't pass these things on can be so hard, and having that awareness and more importantly that desire to want her to live her life for herself and feel the full spectrum of her emotions speaks a lot to both your character and your abilities as a parent. Emotional intelligence and maturity are hard to come by. I get frustrated being praised for self-awareness sometimes because I'm painfully aware that having that alone can't just magically make things better, but it's a foundation.

On 3/10/2023 at 11:16 PM, EB4129 said:

All of this is so challenging. I have some good days where I think I have made progress and then other times I feel I fall flat on my face.

It really is, and it's hard to appreciate the good days cause I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for it to turn into a bad day, or afraid to get too comfortable and enjoy it because tomorrow might not be so good. It's great that you're trying, though.