Never Ending Emptiness

[SueAnnG]

Sad to say that comfort lies in relating to everyone's same thoughts.  So all of you here feel the same as I.  I belong to a local support group but force myself to go.  I could say or add to anyone's posts that I haven't felt and continue to feel myself.  My husband died of leukemia last Oct rather abruptly and unexpected for his medical condition at the time.  So both of us being "taken out" by a semi-truck on the way to the clinic for 1.5 years would have been preferable.  How can 43 years be over already?  I am not ever going to be able to accept this.  No kids; no family or either side so I am totally alone.   I prayed and prayed for more time.  I accept he is in Heaven, but that does not diminish the fact he is NOT here physically with me.  He was only 66.  I am older and he was supposed to take care of me.  I have walked miles in this big house; only physical work keeps me busy.  Bittersweet organizing and going through his "toys"; so much left undone.  He didn't want to die and didn't expect to either so soon.  We did EVERYTHING together but he died w/o me.  I missed being with him at the very end by 20-30 mins; this I will regret forever.  I do have signs he is here with me but the comfort is fleeting.  I pray and pray for guidance; my faith in God is my only salvation.

[SueAnnG]

Even one person reaching out means the world.  Many have lost their parent(s) and know that sorrow.  My mom has been gone 31 years and I miss her every day.  Yet losing the love of your life and best friend is simply beyond unbearable.  Only those who have suffered the same loss can relate.  Each type of loss is different and unique and specifically unique to each individual.   The simple things are missed the most~~the routine mundane conversations for one.  I have never been lonely (even when alone) until now.  I can't get out of a grocery store fast enough as I bought everything for him and prepared the best meals and desserts.  Now I don't enjoy eating anything but I do eat--standing at the breakfast bar.   Our TV shows, football, NASCAR etc nothing is the same and means nothing to me without him here to enjoy with me.  NEVER is a long long time until he comes back to take my hand when I die.   Until then,  the life I knew and we had is over and I somehow must learn to continue.  I still have 2 very old rescue cats (which we did for 23 years) left to care for and are saving what sanity I have.  He was supposed to be here to bury them like he did all the others he loved so much.  I'm glad he is joined with them in Heaven.  Thank you to all who relate and respond and my prayers are with all of you as well.  It is a club no one wants to be a member of, right?  Every post I read contains all my thoughts as well.  God Bless and sustain us.

[Gail 8588]

SueAnnG,

I am so sorry for your loss. Six years ago, my husband suffered a hemmoragic stroke on February 7 and died 25 days later. We had been married 38 years.  Some days I still struggle with my grief.  Yesterday I cried most of the day.  Today I have been okay. 

Even for me, six years out, grief comes in waves.  But it is not so raw and oppressive as it was in the early years. 

For now, it is gracious plenty for you to just get through today.  Don't try to figure out your future, it's too overwhelming.  Your brain has suffered a terrible shock and it needs time to heal. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here, but welcome. We understand better than most people what you are going through, as our lives have been shattered too. We will help and encourage you as best we can. 

Gail

[Alone. Again.]

9 hours ago, SueAnnG said:

  I have never been lonely (even when alone) until now. 

This is exactly how I feel, SueAnn. We can all relate to so much of what you say and as LostThomas and Gail have said, we all here and listening.

[KayC]

@SueAnnGI am so sorry you lost your husband but am so glad you found this site.  A site like this back in 2005 saved me, my husband had just turned 51 five days earlier, heart with diabetic complications, doing what they said.  If only his doctor had sent him to a cardiologist.  If only is a regret uttered by our breath in despair...useless unless we learn from it.  When they die that's a permanence nothing can undo.  Until we meet again...

I'm glad you're able to voice yourself, it helps to be heard and understood.  It helps us feel we aren't quite so alone in what we're going through.

Our friends all disappeared the day he died, my two BFFs (ha! a misnomer) disappeared before the funeral.  Family cared but had no clue what I was going through. One by one they're all going too.  Kids but don't hear from them, my son three hours away busy raising his family and working, my daughter working all the time and is private.  I'm 70 now, growing old alone.  This would all be easier if shared with George but he's been gone nearly 18 years now.  I still feel a connection with him, perhaps as long as love continues so will he.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

SueAnnG: I am very sorry for your loss. My situation is similar to yours in two ways:

1) My wife passed away from leukemia last August

2) We were married for 42 years

I’m not ready to start sorting through my wife’s things. Every time I walk past them it’s a painful reminder that she is gone; and I still am stunned at that. I also hope that she is resting in heaven peacefully; finally ending 6 years of struggle with leukemia.

I recently joined this board myself; and in the short time here I’ve found many sympathetic, caring people. You will quickly discover that the members here will help you cope with some of the loneliness in your life. WELCOME!!

 

[SueAnnG]

RichS   Your words registered with me greatly due to the word "leukemia".  It has been awhile since I've been on this site.  Terry was only in treatment for one year exactly and did feel almost normal the entire time and for that we were grateful.   Never believed it would be our last year.   Expected an answer to prayer for our miracle.   Gone too young and too soon.   I have been working physically like a farm-hand in my house and yard.  Work that needs to be done and keeps me busy and occupied with bittersweet results.  We did everything together.  I have yet to come to grips with his death.  I miss him more every day.  The loss is unbearable physically and emotionally.  This is Day 201 and I am still no closer to moving on.  There is absolutely nothing that doesn't remind me of him and our life together.  Knowing our life on Earth is over I cannot believe still.  Knowing I will see him again in Heaven has not eased my pain on Earth.  I pray constantly for answers and relief.  Difficult to imagine so many of us feel the same way and pray we all receive comfort eventually.  I am hoping you are doing better.  PS.  My dad lived in Brevard NC for many years; loved visiting him there.

[DMB]

So sorry for your loss SueAnn.   

The 1st year(s) are so hard.  I am coming up on his 3rd anniversary.  He was 60 and we were married for 35 years.  Just this week after I got home from work and poured a glass of wine, a white work van pulled in the driveway and I lost it.  White vans still freak me out.  I so wanted it to be him in it,  I was getting ready to crack open his beer for him.  Neighbors that share our drive and live behind me are painters and it's the same type truck he drove.  Ugh/huge sigh