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My lack of joy knows no bounds


Jerry in WA

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It's been over 5 months now...

Teresa - my fiance, my soulmate, my best friend, my life partner, my everything; she was really something else. Smart, beautiful, funny, driven, compassionate, thoughtful, daring, ...she was just unstoppable. She absolutely lit up any room or situation and took it over when she entered it. Her personality was so vibrant and so alive, I was always in awe of just how wonderful she was. She was just plain fabulous. I have never been loved like I was by her, and I loved her so very much too. It was perfection as far as I was concerned.

I lost Teresa in July. She died of an overdose of sleeping pills, ruled a suicide. She was 47. I was with her when it happened, I administered CPR until EMTs arrived. That was the scariest moment of my life. Because of the nature of her death, I naturally sometimes feel I could/should have done more to prevent it. Her family, whom I remain very close with, says they'd been dreading this (suicide possibility) since she was a teenager. They are thankful I was the one with her in the end as they knew how close we were. She had childhood trauma, and is bi-polar. There were many reasons she felt depressed, had terrible ex issues and her meds being changed the prior year did her no favors.

We had lived together for 20 months. Since neither of us were working, we were attached at the hip. (she didn't have to work, I'm looking) We spent nearly every moment together, all the time. We had money, we did things almost every day. Because of this "short" time together, some folks trivialize my grieving. Like I should be getting over this already. It goes without saying these people can't relate, they have never felt the loss of a partner.

Unemployment is doing me no favors in the midst of this as I have no routine, no structure to fall back on. I feel very isolated and alone now. It's like everyone's forgotten. Their lives go on, my world has been and remains, destroyed. I think people avoid contact now because they just don't know what to say as there really isn't anything more to be said. I don't really expect anything from anyone, it's just how it feels now. Utterly alone.

I still don't feel "right". I still cry just about every day. My chest still often feels like it's caving in. I still can't eat right on a regular basis. Sleep? It's better than the first months (very little), but now, I sleep in 2-4 hour chunks, 2-3 times a day. I am very irritable, I avoid contact. I don't consciously think about it, yet anger festers within. I thank god I have 2 children (7, 13) for I know now what despair feels like. My mind, for fleeting moments, has gone in directions that scare me.

I lost my Dad when I was 23 to an accident. Since then I've lost my grandma. I lost my brother-in-law to gun violence. Losing your partner is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life.

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It's been over 5 months now...

Teresa - my fiance, my soulmate, my best friend, my life partner, my everything; she was really something else. Smart, beautiful, funny, driven, compassionate, thoughtful, daring, ...she was just unstoppable. She absolutely lit up any room or situation and took it over when she entered it. Her personality was so vibrant and so alive, I was always in awe of just how wonderful she was. She was just plain fabulous. I have never been loved like I was by her, and I loved her so very much too. It was perfection as far as I was concerned.

I lost Teresa in July. She died of an overdose of sleeping pills, ruled a suicide. She was 47. I was with her when it happened, I administered CPR until EMTs arrived. That was the scariest moment of my life. Because of the nature of her death, I naturally sometimes feel I could/should have done more to prevent it. Her family, whom I remain very close with, says they'd been dreading this (suicide possibility) since she was a teenager. They are thankful I was the one with her in the end as they knew how close we were. She had childhood trauma, and is bi-polar. There were many reasons she felt depressed, had terrible ex issues and her meds being changed the prior year did her no favors.

We had lived together for 20 months. Since neither of us were working, we were attached at the hip. (she didn't have to work, I'm looking) We spent nearly every moment together, all the time. We had money, we did things almost every day. Because of this "short" time together, some folks trivialize my grieving. Like I should be getting over this already. It goes without saying these people can't relate, they have never felt the loss of a partner.

Unemployment is doing me no favors in the midst of this as I have no routine, no structure to fall back on. I feel very isolated and alone now. It's like everyone's forgotten. Their lives go on, my world has been and remains, destroyed. I think people avoid contact now because they just don't know what to say as there really isn't anything more to be said. I don't really expect anything from anyone, it's just how it feels now. Utterly alone.

I still don't feel "right". I still cry just about every day. My chest still often feels like it's caving in. I still can't eat right on a regular basis. Sleep? It's better than the first months (very little), but now, I sleep in 2-4 hour chunks, 2-3 times a day. I am very irritable, I avoid contact. I don't consciously think about it, yet anger festers within. I thank god I have 2 children (7, 13) for I know now what despair feels like. My mind, for fleeting moments, has gone in directions that scare me.

I lost my Dad when I was 23 to an accident. Since then I've lost my grandma. I lost my brother-in-law to gun violence. Losing your partner is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life.

Jerry,

I am very sorry about the loss of your partner. Five months is not really that long of a time, and I'm sure the shock and trauma of the whole situation, coupled with any other of the emotions of grief, have not begun to fade. Your lack of structure is definitely not helping.

So, can you pull yourself together at all to make some type of action plan? Can you tell yourself you must get up, get outside and go for a walk each day, make yourself food and eat at normal eating times, and do something normal, including cleaning the house, each day? Even if you simply just have to go through the motions, if you try to go through them it may help.

Also, consider going to a grief and loss self help group, counseling or getting a book to read on the grieving/healing process. Go browse through a bookstore and spend some time in there.

You can also write a journal letter each day about what you are feeling and what you'd like to tell your partner. Maybe any of these suggestions will help you start to inch your way forward.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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