My Life is a Mess

[Ben Woods]

I lost my wife a year and a half ago aged just 39. She was my everything! We have 2 kids that are amazing but I consistently make a mess of everything.

I did CPR on her for 45 minutes but ultimately it didn’t work. 
 

10 months later and following some counselling I thought I was ok and started a new relationship. She had 4 kids and after 4 months they moved in.

I now feel racked with guilt as I have ended it. I can’t get past the fact that I look at my kids or her and it hits me again that I failed when my wife needed me most!!!

I feel again like I don’t deserve happiness and that everything around me is a disaster!

[movingon]

So young, I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine the feelings you went through giving her cpr for 45 mins. But you didn't fail Ben, you were there for her, you did all you could, you were not responsible for her life ending. That is beyond all of us. The guilt is more understandable, you feel you should be going on, enjoying life with her, you feel you're betraying her memory? Wherever your wife is, her love for you and your children would want you to live happily, take care and enjoy life with your children. Just because you found another person to share your life with, it doesn't take away anything you had with your wife, it doesn't erase the love you shared, the memories. That is eternal. But you need to go on for yourself, for your kids, you are allowed to feel joy again, that is not a failure that is not a betrayal. And you certainly didn't fail her as you were trying to save her life, and she knew what you were doing to try to save her, even if she was already gone, her spirit knew, and imagine how powerful those feelings of love were as you were doing CPR. Wherever she is, she loves you no matter what path you take. 

[Jemiga70]

7 hours ago, Ben Woods said:

I feel again like I don’t deserve happiness

I'm sorry for the pain youre suffering.

I too feel like I don't deserve happiness, because. . . why couldn't I save her?  I feel I should do penance. But how much is enough?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and also that you are turning it inward on yourself....no it doesn't point to you, it AFFECTS YOU!  You will need some therapy to get through this, please, if you do nothing else, get a grief counselor asap!  If one doesn't resonate, find another.  But do it!

Grief specialist
I am very glad you found this site and hope/pray you continue to come here reading and posting as it helps process our grief.  It can take years, it did me (I lost my husband, barely 51, nearly 18 years ago.  I have two passions/purposes in life:  helping grievers, and diabetics.  My little dog is my incentive to go on.  

It's not so much that your GF wasn't "your person" so much as you hadn't had time to grieve first or learn to be on your own after being coupled...it takes time to do that.  Many get into relationships right away, and when all of our friends disappear overnight, it's easy to do.  I made that mistake (check!) and learned a lot (mine preyed on me as people often do grievers) and I have learned so much in the many years since.  I've learned it's okay to be alone...it's okay to be with someone too but first we need to do the work on ourselves, learn who we are as an individual because we have been part of a team for so long...it's different.  We learn to make decisions alone.  We even learn to weather mistakes alone.  And that's okay too, all a part of this process.

This is a close community of grievers from all over the world...our language is grief and our hearts understand each other.  And now you're part of this family if you choose to be.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[AJ4]

It's not your fault she couldn't be saved.   You did everything you could, I'm sure, and while you may feel guilt, I hope you come to realize there is no guilt that should be attached to your actions.   

[KayC]

On 2/3/2023 at 11:27 AM, Ben Woods said:

I now feel racked with guilt as I have ended it. I can’t get past the fact that I look at my kids or her and it hits me again that I failed when my wife needed me most!!!

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well: