Almost One year

[Suea]

In about one month I am coming up on the dreaded one year anniversary of my husbands passing. I have already hit so many painful milestones and I really try to stuff the sad/angry feelings so I don't make others uncomfortable. But the feelings usually bubble up no matter how hard I try.  It  feels like some people have forgotten him, because I sure haven't. I talk to him everyday and think of him all the time.

He was always there for everyone when they needed him. Maybe I am misreading it and people have just moved on,  with him being an occasional after thought when I bring him up.  I have gone to grief counseling and joined a monthly widows group so I am working on healing.

Just wondering how others here have reacted to milestones/triggers.  Am I being overly sensitive? Am I stuck living in the past? I just don't know. Thank you for your input.

[RichS]

No, you're certainly not stuck living in the past. I lost my wife only 5 months ago. Last week on Jan. 26th would have been my 43rd anniversary. Now with Valentine's Day coming up, this is the first time since 1979 that I won't be buying any flowers and/or presents for her. That feels weird. Today is a dreary day (weather wise) and I notice that my grieving gets a little more stronger. Even on sunny days these feelings come on like an thunderstorm, then go away, then sometimes come back again later in the day.

As for the feelings of others, I was once the "some people" you mentioned. I was sincere in my condolences for someone else's loss, but then I went home and mostly forgot about it. Sometimes I'd think about them again, but as time went by I would think about their loss less. Now I'm on the other side and tell many of these same people that I can now "feel their pain" knowing that I now have a loss as serious as they did. A silly analogy would be this: imagine if a friend or family member caught the flu. You would probably want to avoid them. Then shortly afterward, you suddenly catch it; and realize how much pain and discomfort they went through along with mostly being by themselves until they recover. When you come right down to it, it hurts us the most because we lost our spouses; and we were closer to them more than anyone else (maybe our children are an exception), so the grief stays with us for a long time. We should feel that way, but we can't always expect others to feel the same way.

 

[Jemiga70]

10 hours ago, Suea said:

Just wondering how others here have reacted to milestones/triggers.  Am I being overly sensitive? Am I stuck living in the past?

I'm sorry this is so difficult. I was wondering why I felt off balance and then I checked the date; tomorrow it'll be 21 months for me.  I've had to endure 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases, 2 wedding anniversaries and 1 angel date. We didn't celebrate Valentine's consistently, so this upcoming shouldnt be any worse than a regular day for me. But to answer your question, the aforementioned dates have hit me hard. I have hated the Christmas holidays the past 2 yrs. I expect that will continue for . . . .??   I can relate to what you wrote; I talk to my wife every single day, sometimes out loud, sometimes by thought. I am constantly missing her. I am trying to figure out how to live without her.  As KayC says, to think beyond today just invites anxiety, so I try to rein myself in when my thoughts turn to the future.  I have our kitty cat. Maybe she is the only thing that keeps me going.

Apologies if I've rambled.

You're not being overly sensitive or stuck in the past; you're grieving. Wish you strength. Take care,

[Suea]

Thank you RichS and Jemiga70 for sharing your experiences and thoughts. It appears we are all in the early stages of grief 5 months, 21 months and my 10 months of heartbreak.  Thank you for verifying my feelings as legitimate.

[KayC]

I wouldn't say you're living in the past, but it's normal for these thoughts to hit you and to be affected!  How can you NOT think of him?!  He was very much a part of your life, a huge part!  I still think of my George even after all these years.  And now my friend Iris is about to go through it.  I know these thoughts are hitting her, very hard, the last thing in the world I'd wish on anyone.  He did everything for her!  She is fortunate to have such caring kids, they come from out of state during crisis like Cancer and now Mike's impending death.  I hate even saying that.  Ten days ago we were on the patio sipping tea, watching the dogs play.  I haven't seen him since.  But I digress..

You will be in my thoughts as the one year mark approaches.  Sending you thoughts and prayers...

[DWS]

On 2/2/2023 at 2:22 PM, Suea said:

In about one month I am coming up on the dreaded one year anniversary of my husbands passing. I have already hit so many painful milestones and I really try to stuff the sad/angry feelings so I don't make others uncomfortable.

Warmest hugs to you Sue. Our losses happened so close in time. The one year mark is quickly approaching for me and it is bringing on feelings of numbness and forlorn. The cliched "time heals all wounds" is a difficult statement to take. I know I've written this here before but time sometimes feels like the enemy! Time continues to distance me further and further from the last moment I was with Tom. In some crazy way, I hate that I now have had to rely on time to lessen the rawness of my loss. 

On 2/2/2023 at 2:22 PM, Suea said:

Am I being overly sensitive? Am I stuck living in the past? I just don't know. Thank you for your input.

I continually ask myself that question. Am I just too damn sensitive and sentimental for my own good? Should I be tougher? Is there something I'm missing here because, to quote someone else's post, "this **** hurts"! 

[KayC]

On 2/3/2023 at 3:40 AM, LostThomas said:

I'm going to tell the world.

It's kind of what I did with my writing my dog Arlie's Memories and also "Living with Loss" our journey together with his cancer...he was a huge chunk of my life, just like my husband had been, and it was my way of immortalizing him, writing stories of his life...and death.  Her was very unique and special to me, I can't even put into words how much.

[Suea]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

Warmest hugs to you Sue. Our losses happened so close in time. The one year mark is quickly approaching for me and it is bringing on feelings of numbness and forlorn. The cliched "time heals all wounds" is a difficult statement to take. I know I've written this here before but time sometimes feels like the enemy! Time continues to distance me further and further from the last moment I was with Tom. In some crazy way, I hate that I now have had to rely on time to lessen the rawness of my loss. 

I continually ask myself that question. Am I just too damn sensitive and sentimental for my own good? Should I be tougher? Is there something I'm missing here because, to quote someone else's post, "this **** hurts"! 

DWS You will be in my thoughts and prayers as well. Just when I was starting to feel a little bit "normal" this date rolls over me like a steam roller.  He will be gone a year and it feels like yesterday. I know we all feel like this. Another wave of grief hitting. I am just so damn tired of waves and fantasies of what it would be like if he hadn't gotten sick and died. 

[Suea]

On 2/3/2023 at 4:40 AM, LostThomas said:

It is now 2 months since I lost the love of my life.    I do not do well on Fridays and here we are again.  It's not even 7 a.m. and I already broke down before even making breakfast.  I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm sure this is going to be difficult for you.  I won't be moving on.  The loss is too deep for me, but, I'm very focused on everything that Mitzi meant to me.  That love is burning brightly and I've become a "love warrior" in this.  I'm focused on love, her incredible grace, her generosity, her colorful ways, her intellect, her devotion, her compassion, her support and her powerful commitment to protect the integrity of personhood so my mind was never troubled again.  I'm going to tell the world.  

You have taken a positive approach and that is beautiful. She sounds like she had a lovely kind soul. 

[AJ4]

Milestones are tough. You're not overreacting in any way. I think we have all experienced this as part of grieving.

[movingon]

On 2/3/2023 at 6:40 AM, LostThomas said:

I'm going to tell the world.  

I love that Thomas ! Mitzi lives on through your stories every time. 

[DWS]

Tomorrow marks one year since my partner Tom's passing. It's been hard to concentrate on anything today and I'm mostly just feeling numb and melancholy. I fully fell apart two days ago at the end of our long weekend here in Ontario. I know I was using that as a barrier between me and the one year mark...interesting how we do that....but as the weekend was coming to an end, a severe headache came along with it. I took some Tylenol and then let the sobbing begin. I found myself admitting "he's not coming back" as if maybe, even after a year, I wasn't fully convinced that I'd never see Tom again. He's still on my mind, locked in my memory and I still talk to his photos daily. Maybe instead of me saying that he's not coming back, I'll turn that around and say that he never really left. 

[RichS]

DWS:  I dread when August 15th comes around this year (my one year anniversary of losing Chris). Not sure if I'll stay home and do nothing that day or go out and stay busy.

[AJ4]

No, you aren't over reacting.  The one year is a big one.  I imagine it will continue to be big (and painful) at two years, and three and so on.  (I'm not there yet).   
My friend, without even saying what she was doing, made sure we went out and she spent most of the day with me.   Finally on the way home I said "You know it's been one year today." and she said "Why do you think I wouldn't let you be alone today?"  I love her.  

[KayC]

It is hard, and hard for the 2nd and so forth, but the "first without" always seemed the hardest to me.  A day that should be inconsequential, had they not died.  Thinking of you today.  II find it helps to get out with a friend, if only to distract you a bit, but I stayed home that day.

[DWS]

Thank you, everyone, for the kind thoughts. Over the past couple of weeks, I'd been analyzing what a full year means and why that seems pivotal. I could try to reason that it's only a calendar ranking and leave it at that but, of course, that's not going to work for our broken hearts and spirits. Up to this point, I was able to say that it was just a year ago on this day when we were doing this...or last year at this time, we were still together in this room. But now, I can't say that. Now it will be "it was just over a year when blah blah blah". Tom's birthday arrives in early March. He wasn't here for last year's birthday. Easter will soon arrive. He wasn't here last year for that either. Time keeps pulling him further away from me. I have to trust that at some point, this will stop feeling so raw and painful. 

[KayC]

I felt the opposite at my one year mark in a way, I hated the year of "firsts without..." at my one year I felt like I deserved a trophy for surviving.  It's never over, but definitely a milestone.  Sending you hugs...and this:

 

And hon, I know it feels time keeps drawing him further away, but the truth is your love is still strong and nothing will come between you...it's just so hard doing this on faith...us showing love but unable to get the physical demonstration from them right now...but it's still there, they just can't get through like they used to.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

"I know it feels time keeps drawing him further away, but the truth is your love is still strong and nothing will come between you.

Thanks Kay, for this reminder. Those thoughts have been going through my mind lately about Chris; and I don't like them.