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How do I continue to live?


Roy1970

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My son turned 18 on September 28th 2011. He passed away 11 days later on October 9th 2011. I hadn't talked to him in 6 years because I was in a marriage where my soon to be ex wife didn't like the fact I had another son from another marriage. I had been with her for 16 years and she made it completely rough for Matthew and I when we saw each other. So to keep the peace I made a huge mistake that I feel like cost my son his life. As time passed I wanted to contact him but always feared how or what he thought of me. When he was younger I always tried to make the best of the time we had. So that kept from talking to him. On his 18th birthday I had to take the chance. I knew he may not talk to me or he would tell me to never talk to him or something. It was a chance I had to take and break the chains that kept me from him. When I did message him he replied back and told me that all he ever wanted was his dad and he had forgave me a long time ago. Yes he was angry before but not any more. He started talking to me like we had never missed a beat. I had only 11 days talking to him on the phone before he died in a car accident. We talked everyday and we loved every minute. I was unable to see him but was planning on seeing him on thanksgiving. When his mom called me and told of the accident I lost it as any parent would. I came to bury my son and his mom and was with every minute for the two days of viewing. After I went back to my home and my soon to be ex...2 weeks later she told she wanted a divorce. Not to mention she didn't want me to put my sons ashes. But we have been having problems for years and that was the tipping point. I had been talking with Matthew's mom for the next month after the accident. This brought us back together. I know how moved back in with her and we now have each other to lean on.

Problem I'm having is that I have so much guilt about how much of my sons life I missed out on it's tearing me apart. His mom reminds me that he forgave me and she did too. But I feel like that if I would have only picked up the phone and talked to him that he would still be with us. I pray everyday for strength to help me but I don't get any. I have nightmares that are working on my guilt that he thinks I didn't love him. Even though everyone tells me it's not really him in the dream I feel like the biggest piece of crap. My son loved me unconditionally and I failed him.

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Roy ~ I'm so sorry that you have lost your son Matthew, but am so glad you were able to make that connection with him. I don't know why things happen the way they do. To have you son reconnect, tell you of his forgiveness, his unconditional love then have him taken away seems so cruel. I guess to have him albeit briefly in such a positive way is a blessing that might have been missed.

Its seems to be a cycle...My son Mike became estranged from us when he found a new partner. She isolated him from long time friends and his family. Two weeks before he died he came home. The relationship was toxic and he needed to regroup. They had a child, a child I no longer see. Those 10 days with Mike are some of the most precious times we spent. Unfortunately he went back to his partner, I guess he wanted to work things out for the sake of the daughter he waited so long to have. 6 days later he was gone.

Guilt is part of this journey, no matter what the circumstances are. We are parents, we are supposed to go first. Just being here we are plagued with whatifs, whys and ifonlys.

We mainly post on lost of an Adult child here. Its were you will find many people who get where you are.

Best I can offer is remember Matthew, the boy you knew. If you and Matthews mum are now communicating more, share in her memories of the boy who grew to be the man who forgave all and loved unconditionally.

Peace and Light....Trudi

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mathews dad, Hi I am carrie Morgans mom. I understand what you are going through and I don't kow how to help you I cannot help myself. I moved away from my son. had a dream life. and moved to a rural horrible situation. I had all the time and opportunity to spend the last years 4 of his life in the way we should have all along. He was having problems doing drugs and needed help. i was worried about the divorce and assets and then he died 2 months after i came back. very tragically.. an avoidable death one where he made a tragic decision to walk on the ice. we will never know why he made this decision. I imagine he was trying to have fun. but alone. I wake up constantly can't sleep. have guilt beyond belief. and i want to get back to my home. which i sold and it was our haven. i can hardly function. and I don't know what to do. I am trying to stop caffein this morning for that is not helping. i smoke since this happened and that is not helping.nothing will help since i gave up my life for this one which is so lonely and unfufilling. i hate myself and my ex. and why the money wasn't kept to help the kids. this was a pipe dream that ruined my life my soul and killed my son. Luckily my other son is ok. and my daughter. so I am lucky.

Your pain will probably last a lifetime. they are so much of our lives and happiness. it is very sad. it has been almost 2 years in march. all i can think of is his death and how i failed him. you are not alone. which i find coomfort in parents who have been able to go on. i hope one day i will smile the big smile my son would want for me. love to you carrie morgans mom

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Thank you Micheal and Carrie Morgans mom. I do take some comfort to know I'm not alone and to hear y'all tell me your stories. It is cruel the way God did carry out his plan for him and I. During the funeral the pastor who my sons mentor because he was going to be a youth minister said that Matthew had completed everything in his life and he had tied up all loose ends. That makes me feel like that if I hadn't reconnected then he would still be with us.

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mathews dad. hello yes i am like you. perhaps worse. i didn't act in my own best intrest and the best interest of my children now i feel helpless and so sad. life will never be life without morgan. i know you know this also. hope we can pull out of this for they did not wish to die. .. carrie

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Matthew's dad,

I know where you are. My son was 19 when he overdosed and he and I had trouble after his mother and I divorced. When he was young, we were inseparable, but after the divorce, I felt this wedge being continually driven between us. I blame his mother for that, but truly, I had a part in it also. I did not fight enough to keep my only child close to me. After his mother and I divorced, I embarked upon several relationships who Trav did not accept, he felt like I was choosing the relationships over him, and in a way, I was. I have been married 2 times since the divorce of his mother and had one long term relationship. Trav was married when he was 18 and had a child with his wife who I had trouble getting along with. At one point, he had decided not to continue speaking with me, but after they split, I contacted him to see if he was alright. He then started visiting occasionally, and he started dating a new girl. Trav and I had began getting close again, in fact, two days before he passed away, he called and asked me if I wanted to help him work on his car, and I went to his house and we got his car running. He came over later that evening with his girlfriend and announced he was going to be a father again. I had finally gotten the chance to get a relationship with my son, then he passed away. I was at work when I was alerted about my son. His girlfriend sent me a text from Trav's phone saying that she could not get Trav to wake up. I immediately called Trav's mom and asked her to check on him, then I called my wife, who had just had back surgery 6 days before, to go check on Trav also. I received a call from my wife who told me I needed to get there asap because the paramedics where there working on Trav. I arrived at his house in about 3 minutes and they were still working on him. I asked his mother if he was gone, and she shook her head yes. We went to the emergency room, but they came out and said he was gone. We do have two grandchildren from my only child and we are blessed to have them, but nothing will ever replace my only child and I miss him every minute. I seem to be okay for a little while but I then find myself dwelling on missing him til I break down. He passed away on February 3, 2011...Christmas is soon coming and this is the first Christmas without him. I would suggest seeing a professional to help learn new coping skills, I am a counselor in training, and I have scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist, which will be on the anniversary of Trav's death.

I know where you are, so if you need to talk, I will be here...as a father who has a similar story with their child.

Tony

My son turned 18 on September 28th 2011. He passed away 11 days later on October 9th 2011. I hadn't talked to him in 6 years because I was in a marriage where my soon to be ex wife didn't like the fact I had another son from another marriage. I had been with her for 16 years and she made it completely rough for Matthew and I when we saw each other. So to keep the peace I made a huge mistake that I feel like cost my son his life. As time passed I wanted to contact him but always feared how or what he thought of me. When he was younger I always tried to make the best of the time we had. So that kept from talking to him. On his 18th birthday I had to take the chance. I knew he may not talk to me or he would tell me to never talk to him or something. It was a chance I had to take and break the chains that kept me from him. When I did message him he replied back and told me that all he ever wanted was his dad and he had forgave me a long time ago. Yes he was angry before but not any more. He started talking to me like we had never missed a beat. I had only 11 days talking to him on the phone before he died in a car accident. We talked everyday and we loved every minute. I was unable to see him but was planning on seeing him on thanksgiving. When his mom called me and told of the accident I lost it as any parent would. I came to bury my son and his mom and was with every minute for the two days of viewing. After I went back to my home and my soon to be ex...2 weeks later she told she wanted a divorce. Not to mention she didn't want me to put my sons ashes. But we have been having problems for years and that was the tipping point. I had been talking with Matthew's mom for the next month after the accident. This brought us back together. I know how moved back in with her and we now have each other to lean on.

Problem I'm having is that I have so much guilt about how much of my sons life I missed out on it's tearing me apart. His mom reminds me that he forgave me and she did too. But I feel like that if I would have only picked up the phone and talked to him that he would still be with us. I pray everyday for strength to help me but I don't get any. I have nightmares that are working on my guilt that he thinks I didn't love him. Even though everyone tells me it's not really him in the dream I feel like the biggest piece of crap. My son loved me unconditionally and I failed him.

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It seems to be one of the worst parts- the thinking that you could have spent more time, could have been more available, but I was busy, she was busy,etc. It all seems like just excuses now. We could all "what if" all day long, but the reality is that life intrudes. There is never enough time, it seems. But if you had the opportunity for forgiveness, or had that chance to say "I love you" one more time, then remember that and accept it as a gift from God.

One thing I know- I will remember every day for the rest of my life, and I know you will too. But at some point, we will both realize that the memories bring smiles and not tears. I'll pray for those times for both of us.

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