Other people's problems

[Mama_Bear_11]

I am wondering if anyone has had to deal with another family member's resentment over healing?

This past weekend was my husband's birthday, so I invited the family member to my house so they wouldn't be alone. They needed a lot more than I was able to give, but I tried. When I wouldn’t stay down in the "pit of despair" with them, they gave a lot of anger and resentment. It truly felt to me like they were angry that I was coping and not suffering like they were.

I simply can't spend too much time in the "pit of despair;” the short time I did has really messed me up, but I know how to climb out. They refused any comfort or empathy, so eventually, I had to walk away for my own health.

There is more to the story that I don't want to get into, but this seems to be a pattern with them; get wrapped up in an issue and refuse all help, then lash out at people who are in a better state.

Has anyone dealt with something like this?

 

[Deborah_M]

3 hours ago, Mama_Bear_11 said:

I am wondering if anyone has had to deal with another family member's resentment over healing?

This past weekend was my husband's birthday, so I invited the family member to my house so they wouldn't be alone. They needed a lot more than I was able to give, but I tried. When I wouldn’t stay down in the "pit of despair" with them, they gave a lot of anger and resentment. It truly felt to me like they were angry that I was coping and not suffering like they were.

I simply can't spend too much time in the "pit of despair;” the short time I did has really messed me up, but I know how to climb out. They refused any comfort or empathy, so eventually, I had to walk away for my own health.

There is more to the story that I don't want to get into, but this seems to be a pattern with them; get wrapped up in an issue and refuse all help, then lash out at people who are in a better state.

Has anyone dealt with something like this?

 

Hello Mama_Bear_11: first off I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss.  I noticed you lost your partner in October 2022. That was the same time I lost my soulMate of 36 years.  Like you, this week is also my husband's birthday.  I'm trying not to think about it right now, but it is in the back of my mind.  One thing I've learned from this site is "everyone grieves differently.  I'm a very private person and I don't like to tell other "family Members" now bad I am hurting, but I'm pretty good at picking up on their feelings.  My husband was my youngest son's step-father, but my son loved he as much as if he was his real father as my husband had raised him since he was 7 years old.  My son and I where talking today on the phone, I called him because he keep saying he was going to call me back, and for several days...I keep getting "I'll call you back tonight". Didn't happen, so I ended up calling him this morning.  I won't go into the whole conversation but I did find out what was bothering him.  My Son "A" reminded me that "J's" birthday was coming up.  bottom line, " A" was having a harder time with this than I thought.  Surprised me because I never thought that was why he was avoiding me.  Again everyone grieves differently.  Don't beat yourself up over this,  Take time to regroup and reach out to this family member again.  Maybe they are crying out for help and just don't know how to tell you.  Best of luck ~ Deborah

[Mama_Bear_11]

Thank you, LostThomas, I think our situations are similar enough. I am not giving up on them, but I may have to put up some strong boundaries for my own health. I have 2 kids, one is autistic, and it's really important that I stay as stable as possible for them, which is why I can't go into the "pit." I just found the anger and resentment rather shocking!  I appreciate your point of view and hope you can climb up out of the pit in the future.

 

Deborah_M, I hope your son is okay. I have young kids, and they definitely hold back some of their feelings. They are supposed to start a grief therapy group soon. I'm not giving up on this person, but jeez, it was unpleasant. They can grieve in their own way, but being angry at me for coping was too much. I'm giving them some space. We have another family gathering coming up, so hopefully they will feel better (not that they have to be "all better", but on a 10 point scale, going from a 1 to a 3 is "better").

[Deborah_M]

Moma_Bear_11:  I understand where you are coming from.  You are being strong for your children, been there years ago through a divorce.  We pull out strength from our love for them.  This time is different for me.  I'm 71, my kids are all grown...and excuse the expression". Live sucks right now.

Take care of yourself Momma Bear, hug those kids...they grow up fast.

[widower2]

  

10 hours ago, Mama_Bear_11 said:

I am wondering if anyone has had to deal with another family member's resentment over healing?

This past weekend was my husband's birthday, so I invited the family member to my house so they wouldn't be alone. They needed a lot more than I was able to give, but I tried. When I wouldn’t stay down in the "pit of despair" with them, they gave a lot of anger and resentment. It truly felt to me like they were angry that I was coping and not suffering like they were.

I simply can't spend too much time in the "pit of despair;” the short time I did has really messed me up, but I know how to climb out. They refused any comfort or empathy, so eventually, I had to walk away for my own health.

There is more to the story that I don't want to get into, but this seems to be a pattern with them; get wrapped up in an issue and refuse all help, then lash out at people who are in a better state.

Has anyone dealt with something like this?

No, but I'm sorry that you have. How grossly insensitive and self-centered their attitude is. They don't seem to get that people deal with grief in their own way and in their own time and it doesn't necessarily HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH THEY CARED ABOUT THE PERSON THEY LOST. Excuse the hell out of you for dealing with it better than they have, apparently. Some people would rather think it's all about them. Beyond nauseating. 

In fact, frankly if it were me I'd put it something like this:

"Well excuse me for being able to deal with it better than you have. How horrible of me. Perhaps I should have answered the door when you came by bawling my eyes out in dramatic fashion....as if I haven't done that many times over when you weren't around. But you didn't think of that did you? Of course not, because you haven't really thought about anything in terms of anyone but yourself. How proud you must be. But hey thanks for looking your nose down at me and completely ignoring the hell that I'm going through that you COUD NOT BEGIN to understand. Now...there's the door. Make use of it. And don't come back until that cow dung between your ears has magically turned into brain cells."  

Or some such. I'm sorry but holy hell. People. wth is wrong with them. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, LostThomas said:

'WALKING AWAY FOR ONE's OWN HEALTH'.

Some of us are born nurturers...but after all these years I've learned it's not selfish to put your own state of mind/heart first and foremost...it's essential.  

I have a former SIL that calls me and wants to talk at least 1 1/2 hours and she calls several times a week and even 2-3 times a day!  And it's all hash, hash, and rehash. NO CAN DO!!!  I've tried laying down boundaries like no calling me after 4 pm as I feed the cat and then start my dinner.  After that I have cuddle time with Kodie and load the fire and let Kodie out to pee, I'm iin bed by 7.  Yet she persists.  She does not respect me and my time.  So I blocked her.  She called 21 times in 5 days.  That shows she doesn't have a life, wants to usurp ME and it was making me angrier and angrier every time she called.  I called her Monday and let her talk herself out.  She tried me four times yesterday.  Is this person dense?  She can't reach me, she's BLOCKED!  It's a necessity.  I need to keep harmony in the family and this is the best compromise I can think of.  Her BIL (my XH) and I were married 23 years, and we've been divorced 23 years.  I do NOT want to hear about him and his wife!  I esp. don't want to hear her complaints.  

5 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm sorry but holy hell. People. wth is wrong with them. 

Exactly!

10 hours ago, Mama_Bear_11 said:

I may have to put up some strong boundaries for my own health.

This is all I'm saying, it's not even what it's about so much as you need this for YOU!

[Mama_Bear_11]

44 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

Neither am I...I got a phone call just this morning. 

I am glad you at least got a phone call!

[Mama_Bear_11]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

 completely ignoring the hell that I'm going through that you COUD NOT BEGIN to understand. Now...there's the door. Make use of it. And don't come back until that cow dung between your ears has magically turned into brain cells."  

The saddest thing is, the family member CAN understand - lost their spouse 40 years ago! And from what I have heard, did the same sort of behavior then, too. Curled up in their pit and made everyone else deal with the aftermath. (There's a lot of history I left out!)

Next time I need to have it out with someone, you can come over and say it for me!

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Mama_Bear_11 said:

The saddest thing is, the family member CAN understand - lost their spouse 40 years ago!

Not everyone who loses their spouse experiences the same loss we do, our relationships are all different, so are we.  I know for a fact had I lost my kids' dad to death instead of divorce (23 year marriage 23 years ago) it would not be the same as losing George who truly loved me and was my soulmate in every sense.

[widower2]

On 2/2/2023 at 11:29 AM, Mama_Bear_11 said:

Next time I need to have it out with someone, you can come over and say it for me!

If you're within driving distance, don't tempt me