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Dreams


lexybeer

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It's been 2 1/2 months since my father passed away. Frankly, up until today, I thought I was dealing with it quite well. I've been dreaming of my father. Nothing that really shook me up too bad. The first was of the night he died. He was laying in the hospital bed and said to me, "Don't do it". I kind of understand what this is all about, not going to into great detail, but things haven't been the best here on the home front and it was probably just my sub conscience telling me not to make any rash decisions. I get this. No biggy. The second dream was of a much younger version of my father. A version I never saw, probably in his 20's. I understand this one too. I've been looking at pictures of him from this time. Studying them. Seeing the similarities between us. Things I never saw before. He was speaking to me in this dream, but I couldn't hear him. He was happy. Smiling. I felt reassured, safe. The third one, that occurred last night, was not so safe. Not so happy. I dreamed he and my mother drove off a cliff. I dreamed I watched them drive off and I called his name and he turned around, smiling at me, and drove right off a cliff. I ran to the cliff and watched as their bodies fell on the pavement below. I knew, in horror, that they were gone. My father had been speaking to me before this happened in this dream too. But I couldn't hear him. Didn't understand. I woke up, from this nightmare, and actually thought for a split second that he was still alive. I actually had the urge to call him on the phone and see if he was ok. But then it hit me! I can't! He's really gone! It was like tearing the scab right off the wound I tell you. Now, I know I have been suppressing things lately. Haven't fully been dealing with this, but I honestly do not have the time. My husband and I have 8 children between the two of us. Money is tight. Emotions are high. We have special needs children and frankly me trying to get my mind around his death is kind of on the back burner for now. So, I understand where this last dream comes from. I still have feelings of guilt that I could have done more for him when he was here and I still miss him terribly. But, every time these feelings come creeping in, I push them away. I know this is not healthy, but I have other things to worry about rather then worry about how I'M coping with his death. I'm almost 37 years old. I am a strong woman. I have responsibilities and little people to take care of. I shouldn't be wallowing in self pity and grief right??? I try and tell myself this but somehow, I just know, it's not right. I should be dealing with my emotions. I should be grieving and dealing with things. I feel like I am letting my mother down a little bit. I am trying to get her back on track and I don't want her to feel like I am not missing him, even though I am, but she needs me to be strong and help her out. So basically, I kind of feel lost. Back where I started. Am I going crazzyyyyy???? I don't think so, but sometimes I feel like if I was NORMAL, I would be looking for signs of my dad. Crying more. Expressing my thoughts. I can't really talk to anyone about it anymore. I feel like I am sounding like a broken record. I feel like I should suck this up and move on. I feel like this is what I should be doing. Does any of this make sense?? Help!

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It's been 2 1/2 months since my father passed away. Frankly, up until today, I thought I was dealing with it quite well. I've been dreaming of my father. Nothing that really shook me up too bad. The first was of the night he died. He was laying in the hospital bed and said to me, "Don't do it". I kind of understand what this is all about, not going to into great detail, but things haven't been the best here on the home front and it was probably just my sub conscience telling me not to make any rash decisions. I get this. No biggy. The second dream was of a much younger version of my father. A version I never saw, probably in his 20's. I understand this one too. I've been looking at pictures of him from this time. Studying them. Seeing the similarities between us. Things I never saw before. He was speaking to me in this dream, but I couldn't hear him. He was happy. Smiling. I felt reassured, safe. The third one, that occurred last night, was not so safe. Not so happy. I dreamed he and my mother drove off a cliff. I dreamed I watched them drive off and I called his name and he turned around, smiling at me, and drove right off a cliff. I ran to the cliff and watched as their bodies fell on the pavement below. I knew, in horror, that they were gone. My father had been speaking to me before this happened in this dream too. But I couldn't hear him. Didn't understand. I woke up, from this nightmare, and actually thought for a split second that he was still alive. I actually had the urge to call him on the phone and see if he was ok. But then it hit me! I can't! He's really gone! It was like tearing the scab right off the wound I tell you. Now, I know I have been suppressing things lately. Haven't fully been dealing with this, but I honestly do not have the time. My husband and I have 8 children between the two of us. Money is tight. Emotions are high. We have special needs children and frankly me trying to get my mind around his death is kind of on the back burner for now. So, I understand where this last dream comes from. I still have feelings of guilt that I could have done more for him when he was here and I still miss him terribly. But, every time these feelings come creeping in, I push them away. I know this is not healthy, but I have other things to worry about rather then worry about how I'M coping with his death. I'm almost 37 years old. I am a strong woman. I have responsibilities and little people to take care of. I shouldn't be wallowing in self pity and grief right??? I try and tell myself this but somehow, I just know, it's not right. I should be dealing with my emotions. I should be grieving and dealing with things. I feel like I am letting my mother down a little bit. I am trying to get her back on track and I don't want her to feel like I am not missing him, even though I am, but she needs me to be strong and help her out. So basically, I kind of feel lost. Back where I started. Am I going crazzyyyyy???? I don't think so, but sometimes I feel like if I was NORMAL, I would be looking for signs of my dad. Crying more. Expressing my thoughts. I can't really talk to anyone about it anymore. I feel like I am sounding like a broken record. I feel like I should suck this up and move on. I feel like this is what I should be doing. Does any of this make sense?? Help!

Lexybeer,

Your emotions are perfectly normal. You are a busy person who just didn't have time to grieve properly because you had to stuff your feelings for your family. Your dream, your up and down moods, are completely understandable. Do you have time to sit and write a journal entry about what you are feeling? Can you write any of these dreams out in order to look back and them and possibly understand them? Are you under more than usual stress? Sometimes these bizarre dreams are just ways of our inner self letting things go or trying to deal with them.

Guilt is completely normal when your parent dies. We all wish we would have tried harder to spend more time with our lost one, but life just happens--you know? Take some time, reflect about your dad, write him a letter or talk to him and cry your heart out once in a while. It's okay.

This all makes sense,

ModKonnie

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Lexybeer,

Your emotions are perfectly normal. You are a busy person who just didn't have time to grieve properly because you had to stuff your feelings for your family. Your dream, your up and down moods, are completely understandable. Do you have time to sit and write a journal entry about what you are feeling? Can you write any of these dreams out in order to look back and them and possibly understand them? Are you under more than usual stress? Sometimes these bizarre dreams are just ways of our inner self letting things go or trying to deal with them.

Guilt is completely normal when your parent dies. We all wish we would have tried harder to spend more time with our lost one, but life just happens--you know? Take some time, reflect about your dad, write him a letter or talk to him and cry your heart out once in a while. It's okay.

This all makes sense,

ModKonnie

Thank you! I do feel a little more at ease with things then what I did a few days ago. I am under a lot of stress lately, but I mean, who isn't? The pressure of producing "Santa" for the children and keeping up with other overwhelming bills and situations. It's enough to drive anyone a little batty..:P I have thought about keeping a journal and it's a very good idea, maybe not just for dealing with my dad's death but for everything. It probably would benefit me in more ways then one. :) I have been struggling with the guilt lately. Even more so then at the very beginning. I always felt that Dad expected a great deal out of me and in a lot of ways, I haven't really lived up to those expectations. But, this happens with most people I think and I am pretty sure he wasn't worrying about any of this at the end. We were all with him and I think that's exactly what he would have expected of me as his daughter anyway. To be holding his hand when he passed. I find comfort that I was able to be there with him. Makes those guilty feelings go away right quick. So, I'm sure I'll be ok..Been spending some time on the forum reading. It helps tremendously. Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it. :)

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