How to love another dog after your beloved pet has passed?

[TattorDog]

If you have time to read the below please do as I would love advice on this specific situation, if you don't have time then can you please give me tips on moving on from grief and getting a new dog?

About 4 months ago now my beloved childhood dog, Sandy, passed away. We had had her for 15yrs, I loved her more than anything and she felt like another sister to me. When we had to put her down my (human) sister and I both came home so we could all be with her when she passed. She was so amazing and so loved and I am still grieving. Then about 5 days ago, a coworker found a young pup roaming the street around our work. She had no name tag and so I volunteered to take her to the vet to get scanned and she had no chip. I've contacted the shelters in our area but have marked that I'm fostering her. I've posted her picture on multiple different sites and hung up posters around the area I work & surrounding areas. So far I haven't heard anything. 

What is crazy is that my boyfriend and I had just been talking about what kind of dog we would want to get (eventually) and we mentioned we would want them to be the same size as my dog, Sandy, who passed and I wanted a terrier mix. Which, Lola, the dog we found is both. After taking Lola to the vet she hasn't left my side and would whine when I wasn't around so I decided to take her home while I wait to hear from her owners. My boyfriend is completely in love with her and he wants to adopt her if no one comes forward to claim her. I also adore her but I feel so torn since I am still grieving over Sandy. 

I think my family feels I would be rushing things if I kept Lola, I'm sure they feel hurt that I am "replacing" Sandy, but I don't want to feel like I'm replacing her! I always knew I would get another dog but figured it would be in a couple years not right this instant while I'm still grieving. My friends & my bf think its incredible how bonded she is to me and feel that everything happens for a reason and maybe I was supposed to find her. 

I am just to torn and am having a hard time figuring out my emotions. I feel guilty that I am not as bonded with Lola as she is with me and I don't want to let her down, especially  if she was abandoned before. I've never been good with change and I feel confused and emotional.  That being said it has also been so nice having her around, and having her feel like the 3rd piece to me and my boyfriends life, after a year of sadness (3 of my grandparents passed away as well as my dog) its nice to have someone to wake up & take care of. That being said dogs are a lot of work and I am concerned that I won't do a good job - I don't know, again there are a lot of confusing feelings. Plus what if her owners do show up and take her back and I then have to go through the process of losing her.  Lastly I feel like I have a hard time envisioning Sandy as much anymore, often images of Lola pop up in my head instead and I feel guilty. 

Does anyone have any advice on how I should go about this situation or how to move forward with getting another dog after your dog has passed?

Thank you!

 

[KayC]

When I lost my Arlie, my soulmate in a dog, I knew there'd never be another Arlie, God broke the mold on him.  He did Husky talk, his language was very complex and complete, tonal, a different sound for everything, he was a better communicator than most people!  He was goofy and fun and made up games to play.  What other dog do you have a princess hammer to chase him around the house (a blow up purple thing from the fair) with?  He loved it and would tuck in his bung when he ran.  It's still here...he isn't.

He was so loyal, so in tune with me, I totally love him.  Love not loved.  Both.  He had acute chronic Colitis so I cooked for him, all 140 lbs of him!  He ate more than I did.  He was worth every effort.  My baby went in for a teeth cleaning and came out with a cancer diagnosis...inoperable.  He'd gotten a clean bill of health just two weeks earlier at his physical.  How does that happen!  They missed something, big time.  I'm so angry with VCA, I'd entrusted his care with them all his life!  They offered no ideas/suggestions and I no longer needed anything from them, I researched it on my own and provided the in home care he needed for the next 2 months 10 days of his life, then took him to another vet for euthanasia.  They botched it.  The scale they weighed him with was way off so they under-anesthetized him...he went out in severe pain, I will never forget the look on his face when he was dying, it broke my heart!  Here I was trying to help him on his way out and...

He is buried in my back yard.

I started walking a neighbor's chow, Joe, she thought it'd help Joe and it'd help me, and it did.  Until I sustained two bites (last one severe) and a hard yank from him (resulting in a botched surgery that didn't take away the numbness and instead left me with continual pain in addition).  Then I tried adopting a dog, he bit me four times, they left me alone with him three days, lied to me about his history, and put him back up for sale saying "good with children!"  What?!  When my friend complained they blocked her.  They never even paid the doctor bill I incurred afterwards.

I looked for dogs.  No cooperation, no help, no return calls, nothing.  I was beginning to think it was hopeless, I'd be stuck living alone the rest of my life.  My 25 year old Kitty was on her way out. Sigh...

One night my son called me...he'd found a Klee Kai puppy (miniature Husky) yay or nay?  They are HTF and usually $3,500.00, you put in an order for a year, fly them into your state, drive across the state to pick them up at the airport.  But no, this one was $800, in my son's little town in Aumsville, unheard of!  He picked him up and brought him to me, hours away.  When he sent me a video of him, the name Kodie popped into my head!  When he got to my house and tossed down his collar & tag, it said Kodie.  The vet papers said Kobie and Paul said, "Sorry about the tag, you can get another one if you want.  I was struggling with a four year old and a wiggly puppy and everyone wanted to see him and I was having a hard time typing it in..."  I exclaimed, "That's the name that came to me when I first saw his video!  No, I'm keeping it!"  Then I saw his papers...he would have been conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday.  Who'd have thought!  This little puppy was meant to be mine.  And he was.  Who knows, maybe Arlie had a paw in it!

No way does Kodie "replace Arlie."  Instead he wiggled his way into my heart and created his own spot in it.  He is very intuitive and wherever I am, he is.  He loves me so much, and I adore him.  He is my service dog, he did all the work, he's such a good boy.  Kitty passed and last April I adopted a feral cat to feed/house (outdoor only) and him and Kodie have a great relationship!  They want to play together, so they do at the fence or patio door.  The cat could care less about me but adores Kodie!    Feelings are mutual with him.

I still can't part with Arlie's coat, it hangs on my chair, I doubt I'll ever get rid of it.  He was so proud of it!  I painted rocks for his grave.  He is my baby and always will be, he's in my heart and my mind's eye.

And Kodie is his little brother, I know they'd adore each other.  It's been 3 1/2 years.

Take this little dog home with you, don't worry what others think or say.  People can say stupid things, let them.  Go with his heart.  JMO

[foreverhis]

After my soulmate-in-a-dog Charlie died, I was sure I could never love another dog.  Then after my husband's soulmate-in-a-cat (and Charlie's "baby sister"--even though they were born only 1 month apart) died, John and I decided we just couldn't risk either not loving new pets enough or being disappointed and comparing.  And so we decided to wait.  In the meantime, we traveled, had time with family and friends, explored our tiny corner of the world, and were just with each other.  It was fine and we were happy, but we missed those two babies above all others.  About the time we were finally ready, John was diagnosed with cancer; 15 months later I had lost him too.  Part of me will always wonder "What if we had taken a chance and opened our hearts so much sooner?"  Part of the reason is because of my "now."

About 4 years ago, 6-7 months after John died and when I was just starting to reach out from having been a virtual hermit, I started walking a friend's dog, Raleigh, once a week or so.  Then she'd come to my house for a visit.  I had always liked her, but of course it wasn't the same.  When COVID put us all at home, my friends decided that it would push me back hard in my grieving (they weren't wrong) and so I needed Raleigh, if I wanted her, 3-4 afternoons every week; sometimes I even had her for a 5th short visit.  Now that things are more the way they were, I have her 2 and sometimes 3 afternoons to early evenings a week. 

The thing is that little by little this sweet girl (who is lying next to me right now) wormed her way into my heart so that today, she sits there side by side with my Charlie.  He will always be my number one dog, no question.  Yet Miss Raleigh is such a close second and part of me wishes so much that John had been able to get to know her the way I have.  They would have positively adored each other.  The missed opportunity hurts sometimes; I'd rather we had taken the chance when we could.

A month ago, I adopted a rescue cat from a local shelter that works in coordination with our county Animal Services shelter (which is excellent).  I'd been looking for a couple of months, but hadn't found one that I couldn't bear to leave behind, even though I spent time with many wonderful cats during that time.  One by one, they were adopted.  Then there was my Cosi (Cozi at the shelter).  The north county branch of that shelter is nearly an hour away and the weather had been lousy, though not yet the horrific storms of a couple of weeks ago.  Getting there in my older car meant taking a low mountain pass road and, I thought to myself, there are many lovely cats only 20 minutes away in the county and private shelter right up the highway, so why shouldn't I just stay close to home?  But I could not get Cosi's picture and story out of my mind.  So I braved it, went up in the (regular) rain, and met her.  She had been abandoned in an apartment at 10 months along with the tenant's garbage.  The landlord had her for 2 weeks, but realized he couldn't keep her, so she went to Animal Services and then the north county shelter.  She was given a clean bill of health and spayed.  She was tentative, hid under blankets often (hence, Cozi), and thus was often overlooked.

The minute, the absolute minute, I walked up to her perch and said hello, she came out, sniffed my face and hands, bumped her head to me, and chirped.  I spent 3 hours with her.  It was clear that it wasn't so much me "choosing" her as her "claiming" me.  She even zoomed across the big communal room to me when I called her. It was as if she looked at me and thought, "There she is!  She's my family.  Finally!"  I adopted her that day because this was the one I couldn't leave behind, no matter what challenges we might face, considering I had planned on adopting an older, sedate cat and Cosi is...completely not that.  There are days, like yesterday when she was all out crazy town from 8 am until about 8 pm, when I question my sanity and wonder if I made a mistake.  But I know I didn't; I love this challenging, beautiful, silly, loving girl.  I sometimes wonder if I will be able to love her as much as we loved our cat Penny, the most special cat we'd ever known.  Of course I will, because Cosi will never, never take Penny's place in my heart; she is not replacing her.  Cosi has her very own place in my heart.

There is room in my heart for all the animals I've owned.  We don't "replace" one with another, any more than we "replace" one person with another.  Each is special, precious, and loved for their individual selves.  And I wish every day that John was here to know her as well.

Please, don't let Lola go just because of what others think (they're wrong) or because you fear you won't bond the same way you were with Sandy.  The fact is that you won't because the bonds we share with our animal companions are unique to each.  You'll never love "the same" as you did Sandy.  How could you?  But that doesn't mean you won't love as deeply or fully.

In your case, your boyfriend's attachment matters too.  It's clear that he has bonded with her and that's not something to be disregarded.  Even if you don't bond with Lola the same way he has, you will love her, that much is clear.  And loving both her and your boyfriend may very well be enough to let your heart open bit by bit until you cannot imagine life without sweet Lola.

It's up to you, of course, but please do not let fear or the reaction of others make the decision for you.

[AJWCat]

After losing my cat horribly I knew I would have another eventually. I cannot live without an animal, they make life worth living. Yes, some work to care for, but they bring such joy. 

I like to think that all my cats, including my sweet guy we lost 5 years ago made me who I am today to give such love to other pets. It's because of him. That means his life had meaning to other sweet animals desperate for a good home and I feel like that's a gift. 

We've now had a feisty little cat for 5 years we discovered at the shelter. (She had similar coloring as the one we lost.) Totally different personality. She makes us laugh every day. Still will never replace our other and I will never forget that loss either. I've also been a dog mom now for a year and I love that, too. Sadly the dog, Peppers is 14 and I have a fear underlying every day of if/when she could get sick... I dread the loss and subsequent grief now more than ever.

But it's the price we pay for love. 

 

[KayC]

I wish I could describe to you how close I am with my Kodie...he's not like Arlie and the qualities Arlie bore are gone now, I will never forget him.  But this little one is always with me, very intuitive, it's why I had him registered, he is very much my support dog.  I'm 70 and live alone, rarely hear from my kids, they don't live here, but this little dog...well, I live for him.  Please give this one a chance.

[TattorDog]

Well, update to this post. We decided to adopt Lola!!

 

Its been an adventure for sure and it’s true I love her differently than I love/loved Sandy. With Sandy she was like my sister and when I lost her I felt like I was losing a sister and part of who I was. With Lola - I am a mother, we found out when we got her she was only 6months old and wow having a puppy with abandonment issues is a lot but dang do I love her. It’s been an amazing experience with my boyfriend and I, bringing us so much closer on this new step in our relationship, it now feels like we have a little family. 
 

Im training her as a service dog and this last weekend I took her to meet my family. They all fell in love with her and I think it was a healing experience for all of us (my dad “jokingly” tried to convince me to let her stay). I took her to where Sandy is buried and introduced Sandy to her (I always go so hi when I visit home). I’ll always miss Sandy but I know this was the right choice. 
 

Thank you all for sharing your stories and experiences and my heart goes out to all of you for your losses. I’m glad we all at least were lucky enough to let love for a pet back into our hearts.

 

(also my bf is obsessed with her)

[KayC]

16 hours ago, TattorDog said:

I love her differently than I love/loved Sandy.

That's how it was with Arlie and Kodie, very different dogs, but I love Kodie just as much, it took time though and he was patient.  I miss those unique parts of Arlie's personality and figure that's a tribute to him.  Kodie is my service dog and always wherever I am, very sweet and attentive. Last night I was sitting and my foot was on his tail, I didn't know it, when I started picking him up he cried out.  I realized the problem and moved my foot, started telling him how sorry I was and HE GAVE ME A KISS! I thought, what a sweet baby!

 

16 hours ago, TattorDog said:

I’m glad we all at least were lucky enough to let love for a pet back into our hearts.

I am so glad. At first I felt jealous on Arlie's behalf when everyone would make over Kodie and tell me how cute he was, it hurt, you know?! I could only feel how beautiful my Arlie was, but I've gotten over it, and am always telling Kodie how cute he is.  And he is.  If others didn't see how beautiful/smart/goofy/communicative Arlie was, that's there loss, I'll always remember him for his qualities.  And either of them could be ugly and I would have loved them no less.

The first is Arlie's favorite day, running through the snow!  The second is Kodie begging for a treat with his hard to resist little face!

I wish you the best with your pup and am glad you have her!

[foreverhis]

@TattorDog  What wonderful news!  I'm so glad you have been able to open your heart and life to share with Lola.  And so good to hear that it's brought you and your boyfriend closer together too.  It makes my heart smile.

[AJWCat]

Love to read some good news here on the forum every now and then. 

We must remember that a "new" pet cannot and will not replace the one we had. I like to think that the cats I had before, prepared me to help rescue another one and take great care of that one. And in doing that, it honors their memory. It makes them matter all that much more and never forget them.