Abnormal apprehensive grief

[Laradoe]

Maybe I'm in the wrong place, since I feel like I'm probably a pretty unusual case, but please bear with me. My parents have a significant age-gap and had children late in life, so ever since I was old enough to understand that, I was aware I would have less time with my father than most kids. I'm extremely close to him and he's always been my support in the house, especially since my brother and mother are both very hot personalities to my father and my cool ones, and he has always been my model to mediating and resolving the arguments my mother and brother frequently have.

Here is what is odd however. My father isn't in bad health. In fact he's in better health than he ever was. We had a scare a couple of years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer, but his surgery was successful and he is in complete remission. I didn't really react all that much when he was diagnosed, though my brother was a flurry of emotion and anxiety. To me it seemed that there was no doubt he would recover, and he did. But now I've been having what seems to be anticipatory grief.

If I see an older man on TV or in person who reminds me of him, especially if in pain (even an alieve commercial with santa having a backache triggered it) I wind up sobbing uncontrollably. It occurred to me that this could also be the cause of my eating and sleeping trouble as of late.

It's worth noting that my father has been away on business for the last few months, and has just come back, and it is since his return that these symptoms have become more common. I suppose it doesn't help either that I have pretty bad memory problems, and I joke to my lover that someday when he is gone, I'm going to turn to my lover and say "I hope dad gets back from his trip soon."

considering how often he leaves for long time periods. I feel like there's no reason to feel this way, but it seems like the only times I react is when there's no danger. Whenever he is away for months, or ill, I just brush it off. But when he's fine I can't stop worrying. I'm not sure what to do, so I thought I'd try one of these sites for advice. My family isn't religious at all, and I distrust therapists, so I just thought this might help; just as a reference, I'm pretty young, just 21. Thank you for your time, and sorry for the wall of text.

[ModKonnie]

Maybe I'm in the wrong place, since I feel like I'm probably a pretty unusual case, but please bear with me. My parents have a significant age-gap and had children late in life, so ever since I was old enough to understand that, I was aware I would have less time with my father than most kids. I'm extremely close to him and he's always been my support in the house, especially since my brother and mother are both very hot personalities to my father and my cool ones, and he has always been my model to mediating and resolving the arguments my mother and brother frequently have.

Here is what is odd however. My father isn't in bad health. In fact he's in better health than he ever was. We had a scare a couple of years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer, but his surgery was successful and he is in complete remission. I didn't really react all that much when he was diagnosed, though my brother was a flurry of emotion and anxiety. To me it seemed that there was no doubt he would recover, and he did. But now I've been having what seems to be anticipatory grief.

If I see an older man on TV or in person who reminds me of him, especially if in pain (even an alieve commercial with santa having a backache triggered it) I wind up sobbing uncontrollably. It occurred to me that this could also be the cause of my eating and sleeping trouble as of late.

It's worth noting that my father has been away on business for the last few months, and has just come back, and it is since his return that these symptoms have become more common. I suppose it doesn't help either that I have pretty bad memory problems, and I joke to my lover that someday when he is gone, I'm going to turn to my lover and say "I hope dad gets back from his trip soon."

considering how often he leaves for long time periods. I feel like there's no reason to feel this way, but it seems like the only times I react is when there's no danger. Whenever he is away for months, or ill, I just brush it off. But when he's fine I can't stop worrying. I'm not sure what to do, so I thought I'd try one of these sites for advice. My family isn't religious at all, and I distrust therapists, so I just thought this might help; just as a reference, I'm pretty young, just 21. Thank you for your time, and sorry for the wall of text.

Hi Laradoe,

Do you find yourself worrying over things unnecessarily in general? Have you ever had someone close to you die? Has one of your friends experienced the loss of their parent recently?

Can you try to channel your current worry into making sure that you spend as much time with your dad as possible when he is available and try to get to know him really well? Perhaps you could talk to him about your fears so he can help you get through this. How old is your father?

What are you most afraid of?--being alone? not being loved? Can you pinpoint the real reason for your anxiety?

It's okay. When my dad did die, I had an unusually strong fear that my mother was going to die. I was ridiculously overprotective of her, but we kept talking about it, and that subsided.

ModKonnie

[Laradoe]

Hi Laradoe,<br style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(250, 251, 252); ">Do you find yourself worrying over things unnecessarily in general? Have you ever had someone close to you die? Has one of your friends experienced the loss of their parent recently? <br style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(250, 251, 252); ">Can you try to channel your current worry into making sure that you spend as much time with your dad as possible when he is available and try to get to know him really well? Perhaps you could talk to him about your fears so he can help you get through this. How old is your father? <br style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(250, 251, 252); ">What are you most afraid of?--being alone? not being loved? Can you pinpoint the real reason for your anxiety? <br style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(250, 251, 252); ">It's okay. When my dad did die, I had an unusually strong fear that my mother was going to die. I was ridiculously overprotective of her, but we kept talking about it, and that subsided. <br style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(250, 251, 252); ">ModKon

My dads 78. none of my friends have had any recent losses, though my brother was particularly distraught from the recent death of the family dog, at eleven years. It probably sounds like an awful comparison, but he was particularly attached to her, and avoided the house for weeks after she passed. The only other grief I've experienced was that dog and the loss of an estranged friend to bone cancer. I had been close to him early in high school and fell out of touch with him about five years before his death. At the time I didn't really react, but the grief hit me all at once almost a year after he passed and though it still saddens me, I've recovered for the most part. I think what I'm most afraid of it not feeling connected to my family. My mother is particularly abrasive and she's much easier to be around when he is also at home. When he's abroad the family kind of falls apart with my mother immersed in her work except to order me around, and my brother lives with his girlfriend until my dad comes home since he's not as adept as me at working around her isolated nature. When he's around everything is so much easier at home. I suppose the best thing is just to talk to him, but I'm embarrassed in the first place for having such awkward and irrational feelings. I can't help but think he'll likely just hug me and tell me that he's fine. I don't know what we could actually talk about that would really alleviate my anxiety. I do think writing this down is helping at least.