My brother died, expectedly unexpected.

[Chesa14]

I’m honestly not sure really what to type here. Maybe to start from the beginning. My older brother, Scotty died and it was expectedly unexpected. He was the first born and was immediately born with issues. He had a stroke and was taken away at birth where he was cared for and tested and my parents soon found out that he had Ehlers Danlos type 6 (I believe the vascular type?) At this time not much is known about EDS. Some people live normal lives with it, others dont. Unfortunately, my brother was one of the worst cases. He was partially paralyzed on his right side and his body was weak. But he was a bit of a miracle baby. He wasn’t expected to live long but he fought his whole life. They told him he’d be wheelchair bound, he was walking soon after (but with a limp). They said he couldnt live a normal life, but there he was sneaking out with friends past curfew. He was in and out of surgery his entire life, getting 6 (I believe?) aneurysms fixed, taking out his entire spine and putting a metal rod there, etc. I wish I honestly knew more but I only have vague details as I was 8 years younger than him and wasn’t told much growing up. He also grew up in a time where physical disabilities equaled mental disabilities. They believed he was “mentally retarded” growing up until they tested him and he had an above average IQ and his homework being incoherent was just simply from him being right handed but he had to write with his left due to his paralyzed right hand. You could converse with him as any other human being. 
 

But I was awful. I was the younger kid, but I was healthy. I didnt need my parents attention like my brother did. I was raised just in his shadow, as much as my parents tried to treat us the same. But we werent the same. As I grew older I began to resent everyone, including my brother. Screaming matches, mom begging me asking why I hate them, throwing things at each other. I remember one specific incident where Scotty would say “I would beat up anyone who broke your heart.” And I just said how? You’re disabled, they could just poke you and you would topple over. I repeat, I was awful. I was the biggest brat growing up and I feel like this is just another case of regret after death. Everyone tells me not to feel guilt but how could I not? My brother and I never got a relationship with each other because I was too busy being a young kid who hated my family. He ended up dying at 24 and I was 16. He got kicked too hard in the chest at karate and grew an aortic dissection, because of his disability it couldnt be treated in surgery. If they touched his veins they would just fall apart like tissue paper. I spent my whole life being a pain in the ass to my whole family to ever appreciate them. Now Im 25 and Ive spent every day since his death regretting absolutely everything. I get told I was just a teenager and I was acting as a teenager does but its not like thats reassuring. I wish I couldve gotten to know him. He was the strongest person I think I ever knew, living his life daily in pain physically and emotionally from me tormenting him but always having a smile on his face about it. I think thats what makes it worst, rarely did he ever give my own crap back. He would just take it and live with it, and would still try to be my brother even though all I showed him was hatred.
 

People always say the lies at funerals that they “lived life to the fullest.” And they “smiled to their dying breath” and everyone always goes yeah thats bullshit but lets make the funeral happier. That doesnt apply to my brother, all that is true when it comes t him. Yeah every now and then he would break down because he was 24 needing his parents to tie his shoes, but he truly never let anything break his spirit. Except me. I know I broke his spirit a lot by the hurtful things I said, but he would still try his best. Idk how I can keep going knowing how bad I hurt him when he was already struggling with a million other things. And even now I know hes watching me type all this and doesnt want me to feel this way, but how could I not? He was always the better of the two of us. I just wish I got to know him as an adult instead of hating him my entire adolescent life. 

[Utterly Bereft]

He has forgiven you.  

In fact, I'm sure he had forgiven you long before he died.