I hate it when someone tells me "they would want you to be happy"

[DWS]

It happened again...another person remarking in an email that it will help me to "get out there" and that my partner Tom "would be happy that you are enjoying yourself". Why do I hate it when someone says that? I know they mean well but it sounds so insincere...somewhat unfeeling....and this was from someone who has experienced great loss of their partner who died four years ago! 

There's also a throwing out of guilt behind it....that we should get over it because to keep "brooding" over the loss, we somehow are disappointing our loved one. I know that Tom would likely be saddened at my continuing despair but as bizarre as this sounds, he's not the one dealing within these dynamics now. I'm the one left alone and I'm the one left lonely because of his absence....and with a love that will never fade. 

[RichS]

I have a cousin who’s 69, never been married, giving me the same advice. He’s also sincere, even sympathetic. But I kindly remind him that I have 42 to his 0 years in the marriage department. I’m also reminded for the second time (first by my grieving group, now by you) that those of us left behind suffer greatly of our loss and the big emptiness it leaves in our lives.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, DWS said:

Why do I hate it when someone says that?

I hate that people tell us how we should feel/respond in any kind of situation (how presumptuous!) but ESPECIALLY in grief!  Some say it when they didn't even know the person that died!  Wow.

 

6 hours ago, DWS said:

we somehow are disappointing our loved one.

What a lot of pressure to put on us and a crock full of bull too.  My George always understood me and knew me through and through...that they'd dare attempt laying on guilt when you've gone through the hardest thing in the world...no.

 

6 hours ago, DWS said:

he's not the one dealing within these dynamics now. I'm the one left alone

Yes, and you'll deal with this in your own way and time.  

 

11 minutes ago, RichS said:

I have a cousin who’s 69, never been married, giving me the same advice.

I'm glad you reminded him how long you were married to his zero.  Puts it in perspective!  Not to mention he hasn't been through death/loss.

[RichS]

Kay:

Actually, my cousin lived with my aunt and uncle all of his life. Now they’re both gone and he now lives alone and feels a tremendous void in his life. Still, even he admits that the loss of a spouse and the loss of a parent are two different things.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

What a lot of pressure to put on us and a crock full of bull too.  My George always understood me and knew me through and through...that they'd dare attempt laying on guilt when you've gone through the hardest thing in the world...no.

That does pinpoint the problem that they make with flippant comments like this. Suddenly, there's the notion that we should stop the crying...that it's time to pick up the pieces and live this new life without them somehow.  And so with their simple, common remark, we're put on the spot to redeem (?) ourselves...show the world what we're made of....because that's what our loved one wants. That does create lots of pressure and it also gives us the signal that it may be in our best interest to now hide this grief. 

1 hour ago, LostThomas said:

 I try very, very hard to share what is on my mind as I write here so as to not do exactly that.  I try to say things in ways that just float out there for consumption without being too direct and yet I'm looking for a way to be expressive, and supporting too.  I'm not perfect, and communicating here can be very emotional at times, but I try so hard not to cause harm in communication. 

There is so much importance and benefit to all of us sharing the thoughts brewing in our troubled minds here. I find great comfort when someone shares a similar story or emotions that I can relate to. I sometimes can find some needed light when I read something here that resonates with me. Expression is key and also the interest from others. "Companions in grief"....I'm learning that it may be the only medicine to help us through this pain and despair.

[widower2]

11 hours ago, DWS said:

It happened again...another person remarking in an email that it will help me to "get out there" and that my partner Tom "would be happy that you are enjoying yourself". Why do I hate it when someone says that?

Because it's a stupid, insensitive, ignorant thing to say.

Quote

I know they mean well but it sounds so insincere...somewhat unfeeling....and this was from someone who has experienced great loss of their partner who died four years ago! 

Wow. That is surprising.

Quote

I know that Tom would likely be saddened at my continuing despair but as bizarre as this sounds, he's not the one dealing within these dynamics now. I'm the one left alone and I'm the one left lonely because of his absence....and with a love that will never fade. 

Of course. You have to deal with it in your own time and your own way. Amazing how other people don't get this. 

I know this is easier said than done, but I'm sure the person meant well and I'd try to focus on that vs ripping them a new one   Even if they might have it coming! Basically I'd just try to roll my eyes and move on from the comment. If they keep harping on it that might be another story though...

 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, RichS said:

Kay:

Actually, my cousin lived with my aunt and uncle all of his life. Now they’re both gone and he now lives alone and feels a tremendous void in his life. Still, even he admits that the loss of a spouse and the loss of a parent are two different things.

That is spot on.  I even had to have a gentle talk with our daughter about that early on.  My John was just about the best dad in the world.  He and our daughter shared a wonderful bond, so when we lost him, she was lost in her own way.  But what she wasn't seeing/understanding was that my losing him was a completely different level and kind of grief and pain.  She lost a wonderful father; I lost half (or more) of everything.

At first, when I'd try to tell her how I was feeling or what was going on in my heart and mind, she'd pipe in with, "I'm grieving too." or something similar.  Not with a mean or cruel intent, but I think as a way to relate.  Finally, one particularly bad day, I simply couldn't deal with it.  I said something like, "Sweetie, if you aren't able to simply listen to me right now, I'm going to need to hang up the phone and we'll talk later.  It hurts me that you aren't able to just hear me."  She was stunned into silence a moment and then begged me not to hang up and that she would just listen.  That was a turning point for us because she really did take in what I was saying, including that I was feeling a little resentment that she, our beloved daughter who I also love beyond measure, seemed to be minimizing my trauma, especially as I was the one taking care of her dad and who was at his side when he took his last breath.  She acknowledged that she hadn't thought about any of that, she just knew we were all grieving and she put her own grief above all others (as is normal, IMO) without considering that I simply could not and should not be expected to be her "shoulder to cry on" as if I might shut down my own overwhelming pain.  Not that I wouldn't be there for her; of course I would.  I simply needed her to understand, to feel even, the differences.

16 hours ago, DWS said:

Why do I hate it when someone says that? I

In part for me, it's because my first thought is (sorry all, but I'm going to swear; ETA: Well, you will have to fill in the word as you choose since the site made it ****), "No ****.  You think I don't know that?  You think you know him better than I do?"  Of course John would want me to find what happiness I could, just as I would have wanted that for him if he'd been the one left here alone.  But he'd also know that it's not simple or easy and it certainly doesn't warrant a glib comment by anyone, no matter who they are or what they also have experienced.

16 hours ago, DWS said:

There's also a throwing out of guilt behind it....that we should get over it because to keep "brooding" over the loss, we somehow are disappointing our loved one.

There is absolutely that pressure put on many people.  I am lucky that no one in our lives has ever hinted at that.  Yet after the first 2 years or so, when I was starting to truly reach out to the world again--even in the midst of COVID--everyone was encouraged seeing me making those efforts.  When I started to find some happiness, a different and "smaller" happiness, in my fourth year, no one even hinted at "Finally!  I thought you'd never get over it." because they know, as do we, that we never get over our loves or move on or any other such nonsense.  What we do is learn to carry our grief, along with our love and memories, as we adjust to finding different paths than the ones we were on and that we will miss every day for the rest of our lives.

Anyone who cannot or will not understand these things, no matter what their intentions, should be reminded that we and we alone carry the burden of deep grief and the pain of our losses.

[AJ4]

People have said the same thing to me.  My response: I know he would but sometimes I'm going to be sad."  It seems to get my feelings across.

[CatL]

Can you just smack them? It might make you feel better.

I've been trying that "getting out there" and I admit I am making quite a mess of it. I still cry at songs. I have to correct sentences where I start saying his name and have to correct myself. I try to do it so I'm fooling others. I'm sure I'm not fooling them, but hey, I try.

I tell myself he'd want me to live my life. I'm not sure it's working the way I had hoped.

Sorry I'm no help. Today is just a bad day for me.

[Elletakas]

Hi. I am brand new here. Perhaps all of you posting do not realize what a tremendous help you are to me, and I thank you all. I lost my true soulmate 19 February last year and just recently I feel as though I am lifting a bit from the fog. It was very difficult and I never left the apartment except for work, pick up groceries and walk my dog, our dog. I talk to her almost every day and she has let me know she is still with me in so many ways. At first, I called my therapist because my whole life centered around her and I felt as though all the days ran together and they were meaningless. I wanted my therapist to fix that and the pain was so unbearable all I really wanted to do outside of my obligations was to sleep and lose conscienceness. I even took pills to help me do that. My therapist could not fix me as I desparately hoped she could and I suffered most of the year in solitude. One night I could feel her near me and she speaks to me in my own mind, kind of like telepathy. She said, Your not dead yet. You have to live and I will never leave you. I know she loves me, but since her demise I can no longer go to our favorite restuarants or go shopping where she liked, etc. I finally decided this was the year I need to move because the memories of what once was is too painful so I am moving in with my cousin a few states away from here. Now my honey and I can make new memories together, her in spirit and me still incarnate. Like many of you, my coworkers prod me to go out with someone new. I think some people see this as a way to get out of the pain, but that dosen't work for all of us. I could not imagine being with anyone else. Itwould not be fair to that person because they could never be my honey and I can't expect them to. I need time to grow, I guess, if thats what you call it. I don't know if I will ever be ready for that again. I am 58 so I am no spring chicken, but thats ok. I don't feel bad about not wanting to be with another. Maybe in time I will, but if I don't, it will be ok. I think some people believe by going out with someone new it will erase the agony, but if they never experienced it, how could they know? Anyway, thank you for all your help and in listening to me. I am sorry about the spellings, I have a new laptop and am not computer savvy.

[RichS]

Elletakas:

Welcome to the board. I just joined a month ago myself. Like you, this board has been a great coping tool; and it has reinforced my belief that we all are going through similar feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. as we navigate through our grief.

You seem to be starting to re-build your life. My wife passed away around 6 months ago, so I not as far along as you. I also have the same opinion as you do about dating. I know myself enough to admit that whoever I met, I would be comparing her to my wife; and that would not be fair to the other person. After 42 years of marriage, my love for her and my feelings for her can never be duplicated for someone else.

I envy you in that you can communicate with your wife internally. On the other hand, my son and uncle live with me; so at least I don’t live alone. Throw in a friendly cat and at least I have family to help me fill the void in my life. As I wake up every morning, everything looks the same but feels different. I am depressed, but functioning. My good friend who teaches grief sharing classes at his church (in another state) says that I’m doing fine for where I’m at in my grief journey. Others who are further along in their grief process tell me that in time the pain will ease and that I will start to feel some joy again. At the same time I am grateful that I’m blessed to have family and friends as well as this board to help me to cope each day.

 

 

 

[KayC]

On 1/29/2023 at 12:13 PM, foreverhis said:

I said something like, "Sweetie, if you aren't able to simply listen to me right now, I'm going to need to hang up the phone and we'll talk later.  It hurts me that you aren't able to just hear me."  She was stunned into silence a moment and then begged me not to hang up and that she would just listen.  That was a turning point for us

Dr Phil says we have to teach people how to treat us.  I believe it.  I had a similar conversation with one of my older sisters after George passed (she was "the fixer"....but you can't fix grief/loss.  I told her it meant so much that she was just there, that she couldn't fix it, but her listening and caring meant so much to me.  It helped.  She'll always be "the fixer" it's who she is, but not about this.

On 1/30/2023 at 10:54 PM, CatL said:

Today is just a bad day for me.

I hope it gets better.  Yesterday was that day for me.  A friend called twice, it helped, when I told him on FB Msgr that Mike died...he instantly called.  

8 hours ago, Elletakas said:

I lost my true soulmate 19 February last year

I am so sorry for your loss!  I am glad you've found your way here, it really helps.  You are making your way through this little by little.  It sounds like you have good self-awareness and that helps a lot, I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning but have learned more than I can say in my nearly 18 year journey with grief.  And I'm glad you have a dog, they can be wonderful.  Mine is.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[CatL]

On 1/29/2023 at 7:52 AM, DWS said:

"Companions in grief"....I'm learning that it may be the only medicine to help us through this pain and despair.

This time of year, February on until early April are hard times for me, April being the worse. People don't understand. It is like they figure "it's been how long, why aren't you over it?". "Companions in grief" seem to be the only ones that can either understand or accept what I'm going thru. Some people seem to understand it (so they say), but they don't accept it. It's like "move on already!"

I met someone, we get together and talk. They also lost their spouse, they're only one year gone. Their grief is fresher, in some ways more poignant. Their one year anniversary was hard on them, something they didn't want to admit. But for me, almost 3 years, the ache can be soul crushing. Right now I can't watch romance movies on TV, I just cry too much. This morning the loneliness was so overwhelming I cried for almost an hour. My dog kept licking my hand trying to console me.

Friends told me not to make any major decisions for the first year, I'm not sure where they hear that. But I've waited. I'm in the same house, with the same driveway he fell on, seeing it everyday. But I've decided its finally time to move. I'll let this house go, find a new place, hopefully something that will be better for me. I've tried to make this place work. Its just not. There's so many reasons why it isn't. But I have found that those going thru this are most like to understand and accept. Others mean well but they have their own agenda - let's go out, wanna travel, etc. Or they just want to fix me.

My grief, my pain, my hurt really is not something you "fix". Sometimes I think of my grief as a cut, that is developing a scar. I'll always have that scar. It doesn't just go away, it becomes a part of you. After 3 years I'm realizing a part of me will always carry that scar. And that's okay.

[KayC]

You've thought this through and considered everything you need to consider...yes the one year mark is a recommendation because most of us are in shock and grief fog the first year (I think mine continued longer) but rules also have exceptions and I've seen people move within a year as they had to financially.  And that's okay too.  It's a recommendation for good reasons but there's no rule police going to come after them!  They say with rules come exceptions, I think this can be one of those situations, but for you it's been three, you know what you're doing.  I wish you well.

[Elletakas]

Thank you, Rich. I'm happy for you that you have your family with you for support. Its not good to be alone, I know only too well, even though I have our dog. My mind was insideous with many dark thoughts. I often thought how easy it would be to take all the pain pills in the apartment, but thinking about how our dog would be left here and who would love him and take care of him made me  think of someone other than myself and my own anguish.  When I say I can talk to her, well, I have always believed in life after death. I have always believed there has to be much more to this than just life. I always talked to her about this and one night I even asked her if she would die before me, would she ever come back to watch after me? She said if she could she would.  Well, there have been numerous instances  where events have happened where it was unexplainable any other way so I really feel in my heart she is watching over me. I hope my beliefs are not offending anyone. I understand everyone has different beliefs. She was very sick for the past 7 years with kidney disease, diabetes, and a host of other sufferings so I often tell her I miss her, it hurts, but I would NEVER wish her back here to be in suffering as she was. I truly believe she is free from all her sufferings and pain and she is happy. I also believe she will be one of the very first I will see when its my turn. I believe love is so strong and created by God that nothing, not even death, can break the connection. I believe your wife and you will be connected that way, too, Rich. Thank you for your kind words.

[CatL]

On 2/6/2023 at 6:03 AM, KayC said:

You've thought this through and considered everything you need to consider...yes the one year mark is a recommendation because most of us are in shock and grief fog the first year (I think mine continued longer) but rules also have exceptions and I've seen people move within a year as they had to financially.  And that's okay too.  It's a recommendation for good reasons but there's no rule police going to come after them!  They say with rules come exceptions, I think this can be one of those situations, but for you it's been three, you know what you're doing.  I wish you well.

Thank you. Right now the only person that seems to be okay with my moving is the friend that will be renting my place. In some ways I feel like maybe their worried I'll make a bad decision I can't come back from. But my spouse is always there with me, whether I'm in this house or someplace else. And for me, after 3 years I'm realizing that. It's okay for me to move. I'm not running away, I'm moving forward. But its something I feel ready to do. My love for my husband is no less, my feeling of loss isn't really any less either. But it would kind of be nice to not constantly be feeling like I'm bombarded, reminded, confronted (I'm not even sure of the correct word!) with that spot, that place he fell. Emotionally it still gets to me. And I'm wondering why do this to myself. What is it helping me? Is it helping me?

I can afford to move, and I've already got someone to rent my current house. Its kind of a win for both. But this has to be on my time. Not what someone else says or wants.

I want to give a big thank you to the people on this site. You have helped me.

On 2/6/2023 at 7:07 PM, Elletakas said:

but I would NEVER wish her back here to be in suffering as she was

I agree with you. My husband had dementia, seizures, strokes - I wouldn't wish that suffering on any body. I still miss him and I always will. Moving, is just moving out of a house. It's not abandoning my love for my husband.

[foreverhis]

On 2/6/2023 at 5:07 PM, Elletakas said:

so I often tell her I miss her, it hurts, but I would NEVER wish her back here to be in suffering as she was. I truly believe she is free from all her sufferings and pain and she is happy.

I agree.  I miss my John more than I could ever express, even here.  Every day, I wish he was here with us and I always will.  My "however" has always been that I'd only want that for him if he were restored to health or at least, had a good quality of life even with some challenges because we've both had health issues over many years.  I do not wish him to be here suffering as he was.  That would be unforgivably selfish.

I too believe that he has gone beyond this world.  I'm not sure what is "next" exactly, but we have faith that there is much our human minds cannot understand about this mysterious, glorious universe of ours.  We have faith that the place beyond this world is wonderful.  That there is peace and no suffering.  And that we will be reunited, one way or another, when it's my time. 

[KayC]

You know, as much as I wish George back here, I wouldn't want him to if it meant his suffering, yet still a part of me selfishly wishes...

[RichS]

Think about this myself. No, I wouldn't want Chris back here if she had to continue her suffering. Not unless I could take on most of her illness. Well, I just realized that the "bargaining" phase of grief payed me another visit.

[CatL]

10 hours ago, RichS said:

Think about this myself. No, I wouldn't want Chris back here if she had to continue her suffering. Not unless I could take on most of her illness. Well, I just realized that the "bargaining" phase of grief payed me another visit.

yup.  Probably all of us go thru it. I have.

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, RichS said:

Think about this myself. No, I wouldn't want Chris back here if she had to continue her suffering. Not unless I could take on most of her illness. Well, I just realized that the "bargaining" phase of grief payed me another visit.

I did most of my bargaining while John was alive. If he could make it through and recover enough to have a good quality of life, then I would always or never XYZ. I begged to change places with him, to take his suffering for myself because in my heart he has always been a better person than I am. I’m a good person (generally). I’m almost always kind, I share and give when possible, I try to help others, I am faithful, and when I love and trust, it’s with my whole heart. John was simply “more” to me. Perfect? Of course not. But the best man I have ever known. And so I wanted to take his pain and suffering away. If that meant taking on myself, so be it.

But we all know that is not how things work. All the wishing and bargaining in the world can’t change the reality.

[Roxeanne]

I think there are two phases in grief : in early grief you want only him or her back, you couldn't imagine happiness without them, happiness is only with them...and so when people says that stupid things it hurts! I remember my thoughts at the time: "if he wanted me to be happy, he should have stayed with me!"

Now after almost 5 years, i was forced to rebuild my life in some ways and the idea to look for happiness again, even with someone else is not so strange and painful...i guess i'm ready to carry on him inside me, toward something new !

You not remain the same, you evolve with time...

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

if he wanted me to be happy, he should have stayed with me!"

I remember those thoughts hitting me that he hadn't tried hard enough to stay...of course we all know that's not true, I just felt what I felt, all part of our grief process...

[CatL]

11 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

"if he wanted me to be happy, he should have stayed with me!"

I've felt that way so many times. But the reality is, that's not how life is. It's not what I got.

[DougH]

On 2/5/2023 at 7:00 PM, CatL said:

This time of year, February on until early April are hard times for me, April being the worse. People don't understand. It is like they figure "it's been how long, why aren't you over it?". "Companions in grief" seem to be the only ones that can either understand or accept what I'm going thru. Some people seem to understand it (so they say), but they don't accept it. It's like "move on already!"

I met someone, we get together and talk. They also lost their spouse, they're only one year gone. Their grief is fresher, in some ways more poignant. Their one year anniversary was hard on them, something they didn't want to admit. But for me, almost 3 years, the ache can be soul crushing. Right now I can't watch romance movies on TV, I just cry too much. This morning the loneliness was so overwhelming I cried for almost an hour. My dog kept licking my hand trying to console me.

Friends told me not to make any major decisions for the first year, I'm not sure where they hear that. But I've waited. I'm in the same house, with the same driveway he fell on, seeing it everyday. But I've decided its finally time to move. I'll let this house go, find a new place, hopefully something that will be better for me. I've tried to make this place work. Its just not. There's so many reasons why it isn't. But I have found that those going thru this are most like to understand and accept. Others mean well but they have their own agenda - let's go out, wanna travel, etc. Or they just want to fix me.

My grief, my pain, my hurt really is not something you "fix". Sometimes I think of my grief as a cut, that is developing a scar. I'll always have that scar. It doesn't just go away, it becomes a part of you. After 3 years I'm realizing a part of me will always carry that scar. And that's okay.

Platitudes are evil. "Time heals all wounds", now that's a sick platitude. Best one is "I know how you feel". Really then explain and we will both know.

[Sparky1]

12 hours ago, DougH said:

Platitudes are evil. "Time heals all wounds", now that's a sick platitude. Best one is "I know how you feel". Really then explain and we will both know.

I'm almost at 2 and a half years since I lost my wife and I can tell you time has not healed my wound. How can it? Unless people lose their partner, they will never get it. Sure, the wound might not be as big as it was in the beginning, but I know it will always be there. The emptiness, the loneliness, they don't understand that because they haven't experienced what we are going through.

A few weeks ago I went to see my cousin who is my optometrist. Her husband had passed away just over a month ago at the age of 49. They have 4 young children and when I saw them at the viewing, my heart broke. Anyway, when she finally came into the office, I didn't know what to say. I knew I couldn't ask her one of those stupid questions, so I just gave her a big hug, because I know what she's going through and I didn't have to ask her. Yes, platitudes are from people that don't think about what they're actually saying, it's better for them not to say anything.

[Alone. Again.]

4 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I can take a lot but at the top of the list for me, so far, are behaviors that 'one needs space'.   

I get that a lot too. I find it very dismissive. It's essentially saying, to me anyway, that I have tried to help you with my platitudes but it isn't working. I therefore give up and will wait for you to be 'OK'. The ball is firmly in your court.

As so many people have said on various other threads though, they simply do not know how we feel. I have 'helped' a friend through her grief before this, I was there for her. I called her and checked in on her, I visited her. I now question 'how' I actually helped, or if I did at all. She lost her father who was ill for a very long time and they were expecting it as he was in palliative care.  But, I  wish I would have taken more care. She was in my thoughts every single day and I worried about her, but it wasn't a thought that consumed my every waking moment, as it would have done for her.  I was honest though, I told her I wasn't sure if I was saying or doing the right thing after he died and I didn't want to spew out the same things everybody else had said, I told her I would always be there to listen. She told me she was glad I hadn't tried to make it 'better' and even though I kept apologising for being so rubbish, that actually that is just what she needed: somebody to listen. 

She is here for me, perhaps the only person I know to be honest and I am truly grateful for that. She understands grief, but she simply does not understand losing the love of your life and all the horrendous torment that goes along with that.

My mum lost a daughter and both of her parents, her sister and two of her brothers. My dad has lost the same. They have both lost friends and family. I know people who understand grief, and yet I know not one single person in my life who understands the agony of losing your only person. The person you chose to share your life, your problems, your laughter and above all else your never ending love with. The person who you knew and knew you and who loved you, and you them, exactly as they are. 

[Alone. Again.]

Friday is coming, but as the wonderful Maud keeps telling me, we are all here, and we will see each other through again. We have to.

[DougH]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

I get that a lot too. I find it very dismissive. It's essentially saying, to me anyway, that I have tried to help you with my platitudes but it isn't working. I therefore give up and will wait for you to be 'OK'. The ball is firmly in your court.

As so many people have said on various other threads though, they simply do not know how we feel. I have 'helped' a friend through her grief before this, I was there for her. I called her and checked in on her, I visited her. I now question 'how' I actually helped, or if I did at all. She lost her father who was ill for a very long time and they were expecting it as he was in palliative care.  But, I  wish I would have taken more care. She was in my thoughts every single day and I worried about her, but it wasn't a thought that consumed my every waking moment, as it would have done for her.  I was honest though, I told her I wasn't sure if I was saying or doing the right thing after he died and I didn't want to spew out the same things everybody else had said, I told her I would always be there to listen. She told me she was glad I hadn't tried to make it 'better' and even though I kept apologising for being so rubbish, that actually that is just what she needed: somebody to listen. 

She is here for me, perhaps the only person I know to be honest and I am truly grateful for that. She understands grief, but she simply does not understand losing the love of your life and all the horrendous torment that goes along with that.

My mum lost a daughter and both of her parents, her sister and two of her brothers. My dad has lost the same. They have both lost friends and family. I know people who understand grief, and yet I know not one single person in my life who understands the agony of losing your only person. The person you chose to share your life, your problems, your laughter and above all else your never ending love with. The person who you knew and knew you and who loved you, and you them, exactly as they are. 

Yes you say it the way it's felt. Myself 60 yrs last May she past. She was there when we lost our 3 children now I am all that's left. I resent platitudes and have left them pass until lately. I bought a hat and my saying "platitudes are banal". Now I point to the hat when dumb things are said

 Remembering back when I was faced with telling someone something I remember saying "I don't know how you feel, but I wish you peace". I guess I must be the only one that said that for I have never heard it from anyone. I know exactly how you feel is a vary common platitude that needs shoved down the throat of any whom has the absolute stupidity in saying it

Tc.  Doug

[movingon]

2 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

She understands grief, but she simply does not understand losing the love of your life and all the horrendous torment that goes along with that.

I've noticed that as well, I don't know anyone in my small world of acquaintances who has lost their soulmate or spouse. Always friends or family members they've lost. I'm also wondering if people are giving me space or they're just uncomfortable around me because soon after John died there was a lot of let me know if you need help with anything, but it's been pretty quiet, no one calls, it's that "people dropping out of my life time"  and when you don't have alot to begin with the silence is quite deafening. 

[movingon]

@Alone. Again.Fridays IS coming and it might be quiet on this site again but that's ok, the beauty here is that we can sit quietly and yet know we are all sitting here - together

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

time has not healed my wound. How can it? Unless people lose their partner, they will never get it.

For sure...it's not the huge monster that stole my husband in the beginning, but it's never what I'd call over or healed, not something we move on from, but something we eventually assimilate into our lives, as unthinkable as it may seem, and oh my gosh I can tell you it took so much time for even the shock to wear off...my grief fog was never fully lifted, I know my brain never quite returned to "pre-death" status.  It stole my 50s from me.  My forties were my prime, 50s hammered by this...then aging...I'm 70 now and no idea how to face old age alone, but I keep doing it, one day at a time, as I have since he died.  Strength for today...that's it.  Today.  

 

19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I knew I couldn't ask her one of those stupid questions, so I just gave her a big hug

And that's the best thing you could do.  It's a language understood by us all.  No word needed to convey your feelings.  I'm so sorry, damn, 49 is so young.

9 hours ago, maud said:

I don't know anyone in my small world of acquaintances who has lost their soulmate or spouse.

I know a lot who have (in my church) but at the time I went through it, 52 at the time (he was two years younger, barely 51) no one...I was totally alone, all our friends cut ties and ran, seriously!  My two BFFs (who turned out not to be) before the funeral even!  I was shocked!  Bad enough to have to deal with this horrid upheaval of my life, yet to add this into the mix, unnecessarily, I never would have expected.  I do not understand people like that.

[Sparky1]

Thanks Kay. I know what you mean about that dreaded brain fog. When my wife passed away, I stayed off work for 3 months and I was in a no win situation. If I stayed home all alone, the grief was raw and relentless, there was no place to turn to from the torment. My own doctor was adamant I go back to work and reluctantly I did, knowing that it was good to get out. Let me tell you, those first few months were not easy, my body was there but my mind was in a daze all day and doing electrical work is not something to take lightly. Eventually that fog loosened up a bit as I was busy and interacting with others. Now that I'm retired the struggle is still there and I try my best to keep busy. I've done renovations, such as painting, replacing the door hardware, replaced most of the lights in the house, etc. Thankfully spring is around the corner and I'll be heading up north to my summer home which is like medicine for my soul. Some days are not bad but some days are very tough, that oscillating grief never goes away, the peaks might not be as high like in the beginning though.

[KayC]

I was working for a place that made military airplane parts to spec and Kevlar, I was the Office Mgr and literally in charge of seemingly everything!  I was in charge of safety and kept track of all of the specs, shipping/receiving, creating and entering databases, helping supervisors with performance appraisals, dealing with the Koreans we sold to, it was a fine line between appeasing and challenging them, oh and payroll.  I did books for two companies, that and my civic minded boss got me involved with the Community Development Corp. so I did their books too and oversaw donations for the fireworks fun.  It was challenging and I never loved a job or employees more, yet alas after George died my job went down, it was recession, Bush went out of office by cutting military spending, so he could have less deficit when he left, not caring how many workers he put out of work.  It was hell going to interviews, commuting a long ways to do so.  Down to the wire I finally landed a job but my boss was an idiot, so hard to work for one you do not respect.  Those at my new job were young and knew nothing of my loss, their endless mundane chatter grated on me.

I do remember at the military place when I came back to work after two weeks off, my brain wouldn't work, bursting into tears, fortunately the bathroom was right behind my office.  Everyone there was so nice about it, and my boss had prepped them well for what to expect and how to respond, he had someone talk to them who had lost his toddler a few years before.  Brain fog is a real thing.

[AJ4]

I don't know where I would be without my work.  It gives me something to sink my attention into that I cannot avoid.  I work for a vet clinic, the same clinic that my husband worked for (he was a veterinarian).   He really believed in the mission of the place as a unique sort of operation, and when I go to work I feel like I'm carrying on the mission in small way.  I'm not a vet, so I work more on the other aspects of the buisness that need attention.   Right after he died I was working as a housekeeper in the hospital, and I may have had brain fog, but just going around mopping and emptying trash was on automatic- didn't really need to use my brain.   It was about 2 weeks later that my current boss offered me the job at the vet clinic.  I eagerly accepted- it's much better than hospital housekeeping in terms of pay and also just physically less onerous.   I feel so grateful for that.   

[I miss you so much]

I don't know if I hate more when someone says that "he would want me to be happy" or when I've been told "well, you've lost someone you loved, but life continues and now it's time to think about you".

With regards to the first one, I reply : "Well, I would also want him to be alive and not dead, that would make me happy".  As for the second one, I cannot write here my true thoughts (not convenient language)

[KayC]

1 hour ago, I miss you so much said:

I don't know if I hate more when someone says that "he would want me to be happy" or when I've been told "well, you've lost someone you loved, but life continues and now it's time to think about you".

People have no clue!

Cliches - answers to
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
Maybe send them one of these articles!  I'm about teaching people since they don't seem to have a clue...

4 hours ago, AJ4 said:

I work for a vet clinic

I am so glad!  It sounds like it'd be very rewarding!  And that your husband worked there also is so neat!

 

[DougH]

On 1/28/2023 at 8:53 PM, DWS said:

It happened again...another person remarking in an email that it will help me to "get out there" and that my partner Tom "would be happy that you are enjoying yourself". Why do I hate it when someone says that? I know they mean well but it sounds so insincere...somewhat unfeeling....and this was from someone who has experienced great loss of their partner who died four years ago! 

There's also a throwing out of guilt behind it....that we should get over it because to keep "brooding" over the loss, we somehow are disappointing our loved one. I know that Tom would likely be saddened at my continuing despair but as bizarre as this sounds, he's not the one dealing within these dynamics now. I'm the one left alone and I'm the one left lonely because of his absence....and with a love that will never fade. 

The constant loneliness just goes on month after month. Therapist and groups go on month after month. Post cancer problems go on month after month. 60 yrs of one partner and trying to make another friend work.  

Doug

[KayC]

(((hugs)))