Loss my wife to suicide brought on by the drama of her family

[Larry B]

I lost my wife Aug 18th, 2021. She OD'd on her blood pressure pills 15 feet away from me. We had just had a wonderful night (the night before) celebrating her mother's retirement. As her family typically did, the night ended in high drama. The next morning was very hard. The fallout felt extreme at the time. She spent the morning on her phone creating more drama, as that was the way of her family. I came into our bedroom and caught her taking some pills. It just felt off, so I asked her what she was doing. She was extremely angry and refused to talk to me. I hounded her until she admitted what she had done. I called 911 and tried to talk her into allowing me (us) to help her. It took an hour, and she was very combative. I ended up driving her to the hospital 45 minutes away. Longest drive ever! She was put on a vent that night and i never got to speak with her again. She never got off the vent. Took 5 days before she lost the fight, and I was given the choice to pull the plug. 

Since then, i have reoccurring nightmares of the night I took her to the hospital. My car is slow and I can't seem to speed up. Her words are incoherent and I am helpless in this dream. I find myself 17 months later still angry, lost, and unsociable. My tears flow at a mere thought or reminder. My world just doesn't feel like it's my world. She was the center of ME. Now i feel Un whole and empty. 

I've been on a couple dates. Loneliness and the lack of human touch draw me down further into my own depression, which I never suffered from prior. And the poor women who have been on these dates with me don't seem to understand why they can't get into my head and draw out an emotion towards them. When i am on a date, I feel like i am running a marathon inside. My whole body and mind just want to run away, even though i know i need to get "out there".

I have since patched up some harshness in her family. At least 2/3 of her kids accept me and call me dad. The rest of her family, the ones behind the drama of the night she called it quits... i can't forgive and have no desire to be around them to give them closure with me. I feel absolute rage anytime I have seen them. 

I am no longer the kind & considerate man I was. I don't really know who I am, outside of a survivor... if this is truly surviving? I feel like my whole being has had an eraser put to it. I feel like I am faded out almost unseeable. And most days, i am good with that. I don't like pills or medications. I don't want to be spaced out on meds to get over or through this... and i don't want any of my thoughts of her marred or faded from meds... but i don't know how to go through a day without having moments of tears. 

Religion is out of the question for me. I've had enough psychology for human behavior to get an associate degree... and all the book smarts I have still doesn't compare to the real-life experience of this. I KNOW time is the answer and the steps of grief i will visit and revisit again and again. I just don't like being alone.

[DWS]

I am so sorry for your huge loss and the visions that continue to haunt you. Our minds are just fascinating and yours must need to continue to process the tragedy in the dream state. Your attempts at dating to quell some of the loneliness and emptiness is intriguing to me because I've sometimes let my mind wander off into that direction as well. I'm coming up to a year since my partner passed away and when I venture into the question of "will there be someone else", I actually end up with heavy emotion and sobbing. I've concluded that my heart is totally closed off to any part of that...for now anyway. Perhaps later on it will be different...who knows....but it does leave me, and I know many others here are left in the same painful position, of loneliness with no antidote. It sounds like such an awful place to be but it also demonstrates the power of love and the commitment to it...and that gives me some sense of warmth and solace. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and glad you got your wife the chance to fight for her life even if it didn't pan out that way, you did what you could.  I am sorry about her family, something you don't need right now as you have your hands full trying to figure things out now, grief can do a number on us.  Sending you thoughts of comfort...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Larry B]

thank you all. i don't know the site well enough to individually thank you... but i would if I did. This is a community I never thought I would be a part of nor ever want to be a part of. But from what I see, we are a specific type of kind and understanding people. I wish the rest of the world had this type of love and understanding with each other. Again... thank you.

[RichS]

Larry:

I found out this board by chance (surfing the internet one afternoon). I’ve been here barely a month and what a blessing this board has been! I attend a grief support group once a month which is nice but I quickly discovered that I needed to be in contact more frequently with others who have lost the love of their lives as well. This board and the people on it have been very supportive. Like you I never thought that I’d be on a site like this but like everyone else here, my life changed drastically and suddenly when I lost my wife. Know that you’re in good company here. We learn from each other, frequently feel the same way as others do, and when we can, we will comment if we feel it can be helpful to others. Think of this board as one of your coping tools as you navigate through your own, unique grief. I DO..........

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Larry B said:

I wish the rest of the world had this type of love and understanding with each other.

You are so welcome!  We hope you'll continue coming here to read/post, it helps, it really does.