The passing away of my husband

[MonicaBrettle]

My husband passed away nearly 11 months ago. I've list 20kgs and not coping.  My health is suffering.  I am only 53

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  I was 52 when my husband passed unexpectedly just five days after his 51st birthday...on Father's Day 2005.  It helps to come here and read/post, knowing you're heard and understood.  Here you're not alone...

Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief
Physical Reactions to Loss

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

I am so sorry for the tremendous loss of your husband. Sadly, I lost my partner Tom now almost 11 months ago as well and it's a terrible, awful thing to deal with. This website has helped to slightly ease and unburden my pain. Many of us here find it to be our lifeline and life raft. I'm sorry that there aren't many answers to help you feel better but love is the reason we grieve and that helps me understand why it hurts so much. It's worrisome that your health is suffering. We discussed that here:  

Maybe you will find something there that will be helpful. The stress from loss can really mess us up physically so it is quite important that your primary doctor knows about the trauma you are going through. Warm hugs to you. You are among friends here who will listen. 

[MonicaBrettle]

Sorry  I got lost there

 

[MonicaBrettle]

I'm having trouble getting back into the chat 

[MonicaBrettle]

Thank you all

[MonicaBrettle]

Eating alone us the hardest thing for me

[April Ballou]

@MonicaBrettle I'm sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband of 38 years almost 3 years ago.  I understand how you feel about eating alone.  I don't even go into a restaurant anymore.   I either eat in my car or eat at home.  I do on occasion eat at my church with everyone there.  But it's different there.  I know that when I am at church I  am with people that love and care about me.   I will keep you in my prayers. 

@MonicaBrettle I'm sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband of 38 years almost 3 years ago.  I understand how you feel about eating alone.  I don't even go into a restaurant anymore.   I either eat in my car or eat at home.  I do on occasion eat at my church with everyone there.  But it's different there.  I know that when I am at church I  am with people that love and care about me.   I will keep you in my prayers. 

[Mama_Bear_11]

I completely understand the difficulty eating alone. My husband passed away 3 mos ago. He loved to eat and I loved cooking for him. It's been so hard finding joy in the kitchen since. I give myself a break and buy some “dump and cook" meals for my family; maybe try something easy? Try to make it as easy as possible, microwave meals, protein bars, whatever you need. Take care.

[KayC]

Perhaps you'd care to tell us a little about your husband?

I found when unable to eat I could choke down a smoothie, made one that was healthy and had all the food groups, yogurt, banana, spinach, strawberries, granola, protein powder.  At least it was something.  I'm diabetic now so can't have that, I have to cook.

This is a forum and this particular a thread, chat is different in that it's back and forth in real time with people.  Here people post as they have time to be here.