Resilience

[KayC]

I thought you all could relate to this.

[TGold]

100%. I’m exhausted.  I want to cry for hours while being held tight instead of being called fierce over the phone.  I haven’t had the opportunity to take a break since my husband died. I still have so much to do and the work and pressure are nonstop.  And the grief is nonstop all day and all night in my dreams. I miss him so much I feel like I can’t breathe.  I’m alone.

[TGold]

@LostThomas when you say you’re in an hourly fight for survival, are you at risk?  Just want to prioritize that before responding in full.  
 

Finding this forum, sharing your experiences, adding your own insightful perspectives which have caused me personally pause and reframe or consider in helpful ways / these acts alone show so much strength.  Tack on everything else you’re dealing with in these early days.  

After my husband died, I stopped watching the news.  I couldn’t handle it.  Even a year later, it’s a quick scroll through the biggest news stories but that’s it. For me it’s self care.  I have created boundaries on what I can and can’t watch as a whole - no storylines involving death, fire, hospitals, plane crashes, etc.  It’s left with me with a lot of light tv shows and movies that are probably killing some brain cells. 

Hang in there, my friend.

 

[TGold]

@LostThomas it’s okay, I’ve accidentally worried a lot of friends and family with the words I’ve used. It happens. 

[movingon]

7 hours ago, TGold said:

100%. I’m exhausted.  I want to cry for hours while being held tight instead of being called fierce over the phone.  I haven’t had the opportunity to take a break since my husband died. I still have so much to do and the work and pressure are nonstop.  And the grief is nonstop all day and all night in my dreams. I miss him so much I feel like I can’t breathe.  I’m alone.

God, I feel for you and am right with you about all of your experience...I'm still whittling away on my list of things to do, think I'm almost there with settling his affairs. Then I have to work on my list which was put on hold for the 7 months of his cancer battle. What battle, it was like wildfire...ugly heart wrenching wildfire...but if I get one thing off my list then that's a feat. It was a feat putting a sandwich together tonight and managed to eat half  Yes, alone...I know how you feel, wonder which is worse, the crying,  the heavy grief, the disbelief, or that empty sickening alone feeling. whether I'm walking or sitting or reading or talking or seeing someone..alone. just alone. 

[KayC]

I consider myself fairly resilient but to me the word doesn't fit with "grief."  I'm sorry just the word was a trigger for you, @LostThomas.  That was not my intent.

[DWS]

I have a bit more time to respond to the great Wordable quote that Kay posted. It provides so much comfort to those of us who feel somewhat resilient-challenged during this time. I certainly don't want or need any type of pat on the back if I've shown some strength. This is not the time to show the world what we're made of!

Case in point: two weeks ago, my Uncle passed away...the last of my uncles.  He was very close to turning 90 so he had a good long life although the last few years, he endured a lot of health issues. He is survived by his wife...my Aunt Joyce (the last of my mom's siblings). Both of them have had difficult times of ill health with many hospital stays over the past few years. Of course, my aunt is lost and confused now. They were married for 67 years. Unfortunately, they weren't able to have children of their own so during this time, my two sisters and another niece of theirs have been taking turns staying with her and providing some comfort. My aunt and uncle live in another city an hour away so it's been a bit chaotic for these three women to get away during this time. 

In a chat with my sister last weekend, she told me that a friend of hers wonders why my aunt needs this attention because she (the friend) didn't need it when her husband died. My sister pointed out that my aunt doesn't have any children to be there for her. For some reason, her friend didn't seem to want to buy that reasoning and my sister had to point out to her that she had a son and daughter to be there for her during that time of her husband's death.

Of course, all of this pisses me off. Why did my sister's friend have this need to criticize and judge?! Is she looking for that pat on the back for her strength during her husband's passing? I'd rather not think that she's taking the opportunity to knock my aunt at this critical stage in her life (a woman she doesn't even know) but her friend seems to have bought into the idea that we need to stand strong and carry on. 

 

[movingon]

6 hours ago, DWS said:

I have a bit more time to respond to the great Wordable quote that Kay posted. It provides so much comfort to those of us who feel somewhat resilient-challenged during this time. I certainly don't want or need any type of pat on the back if I've shown some strength. This is not the time to show the world what we're made of!

Case in point: two weeks ago, my Uncle passed away...the last of my uncles.  He was very close to turning 90 so he had a good long life although the last few years, he endured a lot of health issues. He is survived by his wife...my Aunt Joyce (the last of my mom's siblings). Both of them have had difficult times of ill health with many hospital stays over the past few years. Of course, my aunt is lost and confused now. They were married for 67 years. Unfortunately, they weren't able to have children of their own so during this time, my two sisters and another niece of theirs have been taking turns staying with her and providing some comfort. My aunt and uncle live in another city an hour away so it's been a bit chaotic for these three women to get away during this time. 

In a chat with my sister last weekend, she told me that a friend of hers wonders why my aunt needs this attention because she (the friend) didn't need it when her husband died. My sister pointed out that my aunt doesn't have any children to be there for her. For some reason, her friend didn't seem to want to buy that reasoning and my sister had to point out to her that she had a son and daughter to be there for her during that time of her husband's death.

Of course, all of this pisses me off. Why did my sister's friend have this need to criticize and judge?! Is she looking for that pat on the back for her strength during her husband's passing? I'd rather not think that she's taking the opportunity to knock my aunt at this critical stage in her life (a woman she doesn't even know) but her friend seems to have bought into the idea that we need to stand strong and carry on. 

6 hours ago, DWS said:

I have a bit more time to respond to the great Wordable quote that Kay posted. It provides so much comfort to those of us who feel somewhat resilient-challenged during this time. I certainly don't want or need any type of pat on the back if I've shown some strength. This is not the time to show the world what we're made of!

Case in point: two weeks ago, my Uncle passed away...the last of my uncles.  He was very close to turning 90 so he had a good long life although the last few years, he endured a lot of health issues. He is survived by his wife...my Aunt Joyce (the last of my mom's siblings). Both of them have had difficult times of ill health with many hospital stays over the past few years. Of course, my aunt is lost and confused now. They were married for 67 years. Unfortunately, they weren't able to have children of their own so during this time, my two sisters and another niece of theirs have been taking turns staying with her and providing some comfort. My aunt and uncle live in another city an hour away so it's been a bit chaotic for these three women to get away during this time. 

In a chat with my sister last weekend, she told me that a friend of hers wonders why my aunt needs this attention because she (the friend) didn't need it when her husband died. My sister pointed out that my aunt doesn't have any children to be there for her. For some reason, her friend didn't seem to want to buy that reasoning and my sister had to point out to her that she had a son and daughter to be there for her during that time of her husband's death.

Of course, all of this pisses me off. Why did my sister's friend have this need to criticize and judge?! Is she looking for that pat on the back for her strength during her husband's passing? I'd rather not think that she's taking the opportunity to knock my aunt at this critical stage in her life (a woman she doesn't even know) but her friend seems to have bought into the idea that we need to stand strong and carry on. 

 

Because as you said, some people need to criticize and judge, does that make them feel better? Superior? Does it make them feel empowered? I don't know, I've encountered that my whole life...thus my need to be reclusive...I suppose I just can't understand why people can't be more sensitive before they speak. It's fine they want to voice their opinions, but we must all remember that other people's feelings and nature's shouldn't be dismissed or invalidated. We had no children either and it's hard after someone visits me right now or checks up on me by phone...they all have children, they all have full lives, they all get to go back and spend time or talk to their families or loved ones and I get to go back to being alone. It's hard. Your poor aunt. 67 years of companionship....

 

[movingon]

I suppose that's why I started to retreat from society years ago..being overly sensitive magnified the hurt I would feel from people's lack of empathy. One of the most stinging comments made to me after my husband passed was by an acquaintance who has taught mindful meditation and previously worked in palliative care for years. I literally felt sick and in utter disbelief that she showed no compassion and no words of comfort...her words implied he was the cause of his cancer by the path he had chosen. He died of liver cancer but had given up alcohol decades ago. She knew my husband as well and always spoke kindly of him so her response to his passing was...I cannot even begin to describe my anger and disgust. So...there goes an acquaintance, into my dustbin. People are maddening, what on earth is becoming of humanity? I have no hope for humanity unlike you Thomas, I have been hurt too much and have observed too much unkindness in people. And yes, in the midst of all this I still manage to once in awhile come across someone who feels angelic to me....but that is not the norm. At least you still care about this world, that is amazing and a sentiment much needed..I envy you having such faith..I'm afraid I see humanity degenerating, and sometimes when someone really pisses me off, I think.....oh, let's just hit delete and start humanity from scratch..and do it right next time.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, DWS said:

Is she looking for that pat on the back for her strength during her husband's passing?

That's what it sounds like.  She's viewing it through the world view that you get through on your own and then pat yourself on the back for it. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, maud said:

Your poor aunt. 67 years of companionship....

My aunt Jo went through this with Uncle Jim passing, I think they were married 64 years, since she was 18 now her daughter that is left is in her 60s. Uncle Jim died in April, right after my sister, no one told our family.  I was still in shock then, and then my Aunt Sue died.  It is so hard when you see your family dwindle, not a lot of fun being this age.  I feel for the ones who are left.

Can't get the quote to work now, Lost Thomas, I agree with the lack of empathy bothering you.

9 hours ago, maud said:

He died of liver cancer but had given up alcohol decades ago.

Many things cause cirrhosis of the liver, not only alcohol, but our eating (don't think the food companies aren't aware of it but they load up the grocery stores full of stuff that is high carb knowing full will the damage it causes) but also so do some of our medicines and parasites!  Meanwhile people are unsuspecting.  I would never presume anything if someone died, there are way too many causes and honestly, we will all die of something and do NOT need judgmental fingers pointing at us when we draw our last breath!  I'm so sorry this was his experience, it's horrible.