I loved him so much

[yolubrmo]

I just lost my boyfriend to suicide on January 5th, 2023. 
 

I am missing him like crazy. We used to be together. Every day together. Always. (The last song we sang together was Don’t Speak by No Doubt). I lost my best friend. 

He was a bright light in everyone’s life. He was handsome, smart, funny, critical, and sweet. 
 

I don’t know how I’m gonna move on from this. I have so much love for him it hurts me. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  You may not have been married but with/without the paper, relationship is there.
Welcome here, you have found a group that is caring and supportive, and I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post, it helps us process our grief and it also helps to know others understand and care.
Jan. 5, that is very fresh, you are undoubtedly still in shock, having a hard time thinking.  I hope you have support around you!  Sending you caring thoughts and prayers.
I was the same with my husband, always together when not working, my best friend, the one that "got me" and understood, we clicked.  That was over 17 1/2 years ago...

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Spouse's Suicide
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Alone. Again.]

I lost my fiancé of four and a half years on 30th December. He also took his own life. This is the deepest and darkest pain I've ever known. I'm existing for my daughter only.

His family have completely excluded me. I haven't even been to his funeral. I didn't even know when the funeral was, they haven't even told me what happened. It's like I don’t exist and 'we' never existed. I'm so angry with them for dismissing me. And so angry at him for leaving me in this agony and taking our future away from us. I'm in constant torment. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you so much. It took me a few days to write on here, but having read about other people's pain and how beautifully they spoke,  I felt this could be a safe place to speak. Honestly, if I hadn't had a response from anyone I think I would have ended it all.

Sometimes I go days without speaking to anyone. My friends and family all said they are here for me but they aren't and haven't been. They don't understand how I feel. No one I know has been through anything like this and they all repeatedly said the same things - that I need to have hope, that I just have to get through each day. I don't want to live in a world without him. 

Our relationship was very complex, and he could be abusive at times. I was due to get counselling for PTSD as in 2021 he attacked me three weeks before our wedding. My daughter and I were left homeless and had to live my parents for eight weeks. He was an alcoholic, but he was due to get help with this and with some of his own family trauma in January.  

The last words I said to him were nasty and untrue and I hate myself for it. His family are clearly blaming me too. They didn't know him though, not like I did. He didn't speak openly and honestly with them. I truly tried to help him. We had endless conversations about his alcohol use and our respective family issues. Despite some of his behaviour, I have never loved anyone like I loved him, and I've never felt so loved. He was so gentle and thoughtful and his smile would light up his entire being. We talked all the time, it would take us hours to even watch a film as we talked and laughed all the way through, we were each others lives and support, we laughed all the time, were so affectionate. I can't bear to go to any of the places  we've been together. We always said we were each others family and each others home. I have lost everything familiar and lovely in my life. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I looked forward to being with him, that's all I lived for. I am so unbelievablly broken and lost. 

[Roxeanne]

Alone again i understand completely 'cos i lost a man like yours...we laughed together all the time! I'm so sorry you have to feel this horrible pain and without any help from family and friends...and even his family is so insensitive to blame you! You are not guilty for his death, he had his own demons and alchool is a strong one...

Sometimes in certain situations we are overwhelmed by anger and we says things we regret...it's normal, we are humans...we are not able to see in the future! 

I know that words are not enough, hope you find comfort and solace in our community...we all lost our soulmate and our life was shattered too!

Take care of your daugther,  she needs her mother more than ever stay strong for her, her love can help you...you both don't deserve this hard pain, you have already lived a problematic life.

Life is so unfair sometimes...

warm hugs Roxi

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

They don't understand how I feel.

This is so true.  No one does unless they've been through it.  Don't discount family though, they care and want to be there for you, they just don't know how.  We have to teach them...at a time when we feel least up to the task.  I remember my older sister (the "fixer") and her screaming at me "I just can't say/do anything right!!!"  And I said, "No, this isn't anything anyone can fix, but it means so much that you're there...listen, care, that's what I need."  She was quiet afterwards and it made a huge difference.  I also had to teach my sister Peggy...she is the one that kept me from being with him that last weekend as she refused to drive me to the hospital after he went in (we were at our sisters' reunion)...there is no do overs on that.  I made her own her actions and wouldn't let her off the hook when she tried to rewrite history as she often did.  She lived in a make believe world, but this one thing I refused to do...I wouldn't let her pretend anything other than what happened...and then and only then could I get past it.  And it was hard, believe me.

My heart goes out to you in all you are going through, with his family...I guess they find it easier to pin the tail on a scapegoat than go through it together...perhaps you're best off without them?  Sometimes we need to do what is best for our own mental health and perhaps they have too much baggage to carry.  Still it's hard.  I know, I was also excluded from my husband's family.  They didn't blame me for anything, they just felt I was of no consequence I guess.  Now that he is gone.

I hope you will continue to come here, to read, post, it helps our processing our grief.  You've found a family that gets it and understands, right here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

26 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

Take care of your daugther,  she needs her mother more than ever stay strong for her

Yes, let her be your incentive to go on for now.  Together you will weather this.

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you so much Roxeanne. Your kind words made me cry. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone and the fact we are all experiencing the same heartbreak is truly devastating. My heart goes out to everyone on here and reading posts and sharing makes me feel less alone. 

He was only 52 and I'm 44. I don't know how to be without him and I don't want to try. 

I know his family are grieving too but they have refused to have any contact with me whatsoever. They have removed me from his life completely, when he meant everything to me and me to him. 

I don't know how to cope with it all.

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you so much Kay, I completely identify with what you said about your sister. I've tried to explain to friends and family that they can't fix anything and I just need them to be there and listen. The thing is, because the whole thing is so complex, they have their own anger towards him for things he did, so I find it hard to speak to them and this leads to me withdrawing so I'm even more isolated. 

I know I need to find comfort in my daughter. She is such a wonderful little girl and I love her with all my heart. I think I am still in shock by what has happened and being separated from everything by his family is making it even more difficult to process. I don't know anything what he did, I only found out two days later through a friend who heard a rumour...after 4 and a half years together, the man I was going to marry, this is how I found out.

I'm so sorry you felt as if you were of no consequence to his family - that's how i feel too. 

I truly appreciate your lovely words and applaud all you lovely people who are able to reach out to people they don't know to help them with their grief, having felt the same excruciating pain and loss. 

[Alone. Again.]

Lost Thomas,

I am so sorry you are going through this too. I wish none of us had to go through such torture.

I find people become very 'practical' when it comes to talking about grief. My friends and family focus on what they think I should be doing as opposed to what I'm feeling. I have so much anger. Sitting here today, I hate that other people get to spend their Saturdays with their partner and laugh and cook and eat together and I don't anymore. 

I feel your pain so much and I truly appreciate your lovely words. I will keep coming back. I think I need to.

[DWS]

5 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Sometimes I go days without speaking to anyone. My friends and family all said they are here for me but they aren't and haven't been. They don't understand how I feel. No one I know has been through anything like this and they all repeatedly said the same things - that I need to have hope, that I just have to get through each day. I don't want to live in a world without him. 

I'm so sorry for this tremendous loss in your life. The emptiness and silence are excruciating...and then finding ourselves left with family and friends who are totally unaware and unknowing of this despair just brings more pain. They just don't know any of this so what I found...and what others here found as well...is that eventually you accept that because to expect more only adds more pain.

And maybe that's part of this "acceptance" that they talk about in grief. I will never accept the cruelty of having my partner and best friend taken from me but I did accept that very few people in my life understand my unique grief. I think that was important because I stopped expecting anything more than what others could give. This may play a part of being gentle and kind to ourselves which is what is needed right now. We know our pain. We know how broken and unmovable we are. There is no "hope"...or everyone's concept of hope... at this point to think of. Our only "hope" is that this is all some cruel joke and our life companion will emerge out of the shadows and be with us again. That's the only hope we seem to have in our heads right now. 

But we will work through this...slowly. We'll get through today and when tomorrow comes, we'll do that again. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you DWS,

You're right. I honestly had no faith left in people and their capacity to be so insensitive and thoughtless - as well meaning as they might be, until I came on here. I think you're also right about accepting that's all they can give. I've caught myself saying the same things over and over again because so much is going through my mind, and at such a pacing rate, every minute of the day and I know that might be a bit tiresome and overwhelming for them, but they know how much I desperately loved (love) him. Or maybe they've just never known a love like we had. I just stopped talking.

Emptiness, silence, despair, broken and immovable are certainly what I'm feeling right now, as I know so many of us are.

I'm really struggling to be gentle and kind to myself right now as I feel it's my fault he did this and having his family cut me out completely just reinforces this. 

I'm so sorry for your pain. The loss of your best friend and love of your life is unbearable isn't it? 

Thank you for your kind words. 

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I think I am still in shock by what has happened

When my sister died several months ago (second one out of four), we were the closest and talked every day...I was her caregiver.  I was in shock at least a month.  When my husband died, I know I was in shock quite a while and grief fog set in.
Grief brain-loss of mind
Grief Brain-Widows Brain
Widow Brain
Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources
It's a real thing.

[DWS]

12 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

Or maybe they've just never known a love like we had.

There's so much meaning and importance in your words. So much of this comes down to the heart and soul of this thing called love (and loving)...and our experiences with it. Getting to know our person...getting right in there behind the masks that we all wear...is what we eventually do when we develop caring and loving feelings towards someone. That takes a lot of patience and empathy and selflessness to do and I've learned that there are people who just don't have those qualities. In some ways, they're fortunate. They won't allow themselves to get so entangled in their emotions which I suppose is a way of self-protection. But that protection also lets them miss some vitality of being human. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you Kay, that's really helpful. I'm so sorry to hear about your sisters. More grief for you to bear.

It's so strange to think I have gone through my 44 years on this planet thinking I knew what it was to feel pain....I have never lost anyone close to me up until now. It is such immense torture to bear the pain of grief.

You're right, DWS, and we were each other's person and got to see behind the masks. I think you're right that certain people do not possess those qualities. I am truly grateful to have known the love we had, but it breaks me to know it will never come back to me. 

[KayC]

You are so welcome!

[movingon]

So sorry for everything you have been through, that is alot you are dealing with. Keep coming here, this group has so much to give back as they share their stories. They all understand and as terrible and sad all their stories are, you will will feel cared for and understood here. I also had my husband's family turn on me, one by one, it's a long story, and I simply can't let my mind wander to thinking about them, it's too painful at this time. This is my time to grieve and think of my husband, I need to heal myself right now and process his death, not dwell on them. So when my mind starts to think of their selfish motives, I visualize closing that door and change my thoughts quickly. For now you need the warmth and support you will find here. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you all. 

I'm in a very dark place today. I honestly don't see the point of life anymore.

I found out online the inquest is on Valentines day. I don’t even know if his funeral has happened, I have to find out online about this and it's on that day of all days?

I'm not coping. I'm so tired of crying all the time.

[DWS]

52 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

I'm in a very dark place today. I honestly don't see the point of life anymore.

I found out online the inquest is on Valentines day. I don’t even know if his funeral has happened, I have to find out online about this and it's on that day of all days?

I found that it was all of these little residual jabs afterwards that kept me in that dark place. As if their death wasn't life-shattering and impactful enough, you're hit with the aftermath...the inquest, the finality of what happened, the burial decisions, the continual realizations, those damn calendar dates...all of it hurts and everything stings. Be sure to keep reminding yourself how raw this all is for you. It might not be rightful for me to say it but it makes sense to be in that dark place. Love and their absence brings on the darkness and as long as we're careful and not do anything to harm ourselves, the darkness might be our friend. Cracks of light will eventually seep in and bring some comfort. I can almost promise you that. 

[movingon]

DWS, just try to hold on..somehow......each moment, each day is different..that darkness might recede, even if it's by just a fragment. I know that's easy to say, I can't imagine the depths of pain you are feeling, because it's not just his death you are feeling, it's this ongoing nightmare of everything else. Keep pouring out all those emotions, everything you feel right here. Talking doesn't make your pain go away, but you have to release it, and release it to people who understand, who can help by listening...and that place is here. 

[Alone. Again.]

DWS and Maud - thank you so much. I really needed that today. Your words, everyone's words on here give me comfort.

I had a text row with one of my closest friends today. I can't believe the awful things she said, it was cruel. I know I should feel really hurt and upset but I don’t because the only thing I feel is the desperate void of him and it consumes my entire being every minute of every day.

[movingon]

Sending you a very big hug, today will be over soon, (that's  pretty much my life right now...) we make it through today... and I hope tomorrow brings even just the tiniest crack of light in this very dark time for you. You are never alone, keep that in your heart. We are here for you, for all of us.. together. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry they are doing it on that day of all days, how cruel!  Is it possible to have them do it another day?  Not something you need in your memory banks!  It's worth a try.  
My heart goes out to you...and whoever upset you...tell them to take a flying leap.  You don't need that either.  We all back you up!  Sending you hugs!

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you Maud and Kay. Your words mean so much. 

I used to love Valentines day. Don't know how to get through it.

 

[Alone. Again.]

I feel that way too. All of this is all consuming. 

I can't bear to look through that kind of stuff yet. Like you say, I think I'll lose it altogether. 

We always got dressed up and went to a restaurant, he always bought me roses and gave me a beautifully written card. That can't happen this year. Instead, it will now be the day of his inquest and a day we used to celebrate our love will be a day full of utter sadness and thoughts of a future we never got to have. 

It is so cruel we are going through so much pain. Like you say though, it does help to talk on here. It makes you feel less alone and so much warmth towards others, knowing they are also going through this suffering. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I used to love Valentines day. Don't know how to get through it.

We always used to go to the Valentine Banquet at the church, he'd get me flowers, we'd be all dressed up, holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes, words unspoken but felt and shared...
They're having one again this year, put on by the teens as a fundraiser.  I can't eat the spaghetti and bread they're serving, opted not to go.  I bought some raffle tickets from them and gave them away as I won't be present and don't need "stuff."  I'd just wanted to contribute in some way to their cause.