Loss of my Wife.....and Dog

[Butch]

On September 3rd, 2022 my Wife passed away after putting up a glorious year-long battle against Cancer!  It was difficult to watch her last breath. I went numb!  My whole world had just crashed all around me.  I think I went into mourning and grieving.  I think....because the numbness never went away.  Still!!  Then on November 26th, our dog passed away, I'm sure from a broken heart.  He had stopped eating.  He laid in his bed all day and all night. He wasted away to nothing.  Before I could get him to the Vet, he ran to my wife in his sleep.  They are together now and both pain free.  I'm still here.  Still numb.  I think I'm grieving...but not sure.  My days continue...

Butch

[KayC]

@Butch, Oh my dear friend, I am so sorry for your losses, your wife, and then your dog.  Your poor dog died of a broken heart.  My Lucky girl had a very hard time when my husband died, it took my daughter to point it out to me, I was lost in my own hell.  That was over 17 1/2 years ago.  I am so sorry you lost them both.  

I went through cancer with my last dog, it was the hardest thing in the world to watch him go downhill, he was my companion and best friend, having already lost my husband and my dog.  

My heart goes out to you.  I hope you will continue to come here to read and post, this place is like a family from all over the world, caring about each other...it helps to know there are others that understand and care.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[movingon]

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through...I'm too new on this site to be of any help to anyone right now, but a lot of people here can help with what you're going through, I've found they have for myself,  there is so much understanding and love here in this group of strangers...grieving and hurting. I've been thinking alot that when my two dogs pass, I would be ready to go as well, I would just wait for my time, there is nothing left holding me here, and there would be nothing left to fill my heart. For now the dogs help me get through the days better than if I were alone...I hope this group helps you in some way

[Gail 8588]

Butch, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so hard to cope with the loss of a soul mate. We are left so broken and incomplete. We get it.

Often those around us do not have a clue how completely lost and devastated we are. 

I had no idea how physically painful grief could be. There were many times I thought I would die from the excruciating pain in my head and heart. I am still amazed I didn't die.

Come here to vent, share or just read others posts. There is some comfort in reading others posts and knowing we are not alone experiencing this terrible pain.

For now, don't try to figure out the plan for the rest of your life. Just focus on what you have to do today.  Your brain fog will clear after the first year and you will be better able to deal with decisions you must make.  For now, just deal with today, it is hard enough.

Gail

 

[widower2]

On 1/15/2023 at 4:37 PM, Butch said:

On September 3rd, 2022 my Wife passed away after putting up a glorious year-long battle against Cancer!  It was difficult to watch her last breath. I went numb!  My whole world had just crashed all around me.  I think I went into mourning and grieving.  I think....because the numbness never went away.  Still!!  Then on November 26th, our dog passed away, I'm sure from a broken heart.  He had stopped eating.  He laid in his bed all day and all night. He wasted away to nothing.  Before I could get him to the Vet, he ran to my wife in his sleep.  They are together now and both pain free.  I'm still here.  Still numb.  I think I'm grieving...but not sure.  My days continue...

Butch

I'm so sorry on both counts. The gap between losing my beloved (also to cancer) and our dog was longer, but I felt like he was my last real living, tangible connection to her, so in addition to being such a great dog and friend, there was that...in some ways it was like the wounds from losing her were fresh all over again. 

This takes time, unfortunately, to deal with, but as impossible as it may seem, you CAN do this. I know it's a tired cliche but it's true: take it a day at a time. Don't worry about next week or next month or whatever. Just make it through each day; that's enough.