this is so hard for me

[sweet n low]

he was my partner and my best friend for ten years. six months ago, all of that had been taken away. it was the worst day of my life, only to follow with many more painful and sleepless days. this transition is really difficult. he was honestly my only friend for many of those years, we were each other's dowsing rods and the world outside of us didn't matter much. I'm having such a hard time connecting to other people now, I feel like they can see through me, feel my pain, and have this urge to run... I guess my situation reminds them of something of which they don't even want to imagine, with losing someone so very close, i just wish they would be honest about it i guess. i feel so alone now. 

[Mama_Bear_11]

My husband was my best friend, too. I miss sharing with him so much. And yes, I agree that many people can't face a huge loss for someone else without being terrified themselves. I'm reading "It's Ok that You're Not Ok" right now, and the author straight-out says that. Take note of the ones that do understand, and the ones that try. Connection takes time and practice, so be gentle and don't force yourself or them. One day at a time. Hugs.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, sweet n low said:

he was my partner and my best friend for ten years. six months ago, all of that had been taken away.

I am so sorry for your immense loss!  Six months is one of the hardest times, it's no wonder you're really hurting right now, it's the time when support has dried up, people are back to their own lives, shock wears off and reality sets in.  You're likely done transferring titles, etc.. and now you have time to see what your life is like, and oh God, it hurts!

Welcome to this site, it helps to come here and realize you're not alone and find others that "get it" and understand.  All of our journeys are unique, as unique as we and our relationships are/have been, but enough similarities to understand each other.  It helps also to read what others post.  It's like a unique caring family from all over the world, we truly do care about each other, and now you're part of us, as much as you want to be.
Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark (separate link)

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

This is so very hard and with something as horrible as this, it stands to reason that it will be. Our lives were focused and tangled around one person....yours for ten years...and now, their absence is devastating and continues to be while the others in our lives aren't quite as affected. I'm not so sure that they're running because it brings them too close to loss. I think it's more of us ruining their good time...and I understand that. We'd all love to have continual good times in life. Warmest hugs to you. 

I am loving the quote that you included in your profile. This one resonates greatly with me..."So, you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure." That's basically what I did in my mid-thirties after disappointments in love and relationship (I'm 61 now). I tended to that garden and then eventually a butterfly named Tom fluttered in and liked the scenery and ambiance. It's now been over ten months since he's been gone and that's why I grieve. I'm going to assume your story is similar.

[sweet n low]

On 1/15/2023 at 9:03 AM, Mama_Bear_11 said:

My husband was my best friend, too. I miss sharing with him so much. And yes, I agree that many people can't face a huge loss for someone else without being terrified themselves. I'm reading "It's Ok that You're Not Ok" right now, and the author straight-out says that. Take note of the ones that do understand, and the ones that try. Connection takes time and practice, so be gentle and don't force yourself or them. One day at a time. Hugs.

Thank you so much for your understanding, it's taken me months to return to reply to anything... 

I've realized that no, I'm just not ok, like your book.. and I know it's going to take SO much time and practice. Its frightening, the scariest thing in the world not to have his guidance, love, support, and energy.. its utterly draining. 

I'm so sorry for your loss dear, none of this was meant to be...

Thank you for reaching out to me ❤️‍🩹

[sweet n low]

On 1/15/2023 at 10:02 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your immense loss!  Six months is one of the hardest times, it's no wonder you're really hurting right now, it's the time when support has dried up, people are back to their own lives, shock wears off and reality sets in.  You're likely done transferring titles, etc.. and now you have time to see what your life is like, and oh God, it hurts!

Welcome to this site, it helps to come here and realize you're not alone and find others that "get it" and understand.  All of our journeys are unique, as unique as we and our relationships are/have been, but enough similarities to understand each other.  It helps also to read what others post.  It's like a unique caring family from all over the world, we truly do care about each other, and now you're part of us, as much as you want to be.
Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark (separate link)

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

@KayC Thank you ❤️‍🩹

Your references and helpful points were apt and very useful! Thank you dear. And thank you for the warm welcome, although it's a few months past... it was so difficult for me to return immediately. I felt like I had not let out any feelings to anyone until my post that it was extremely overwhelming... and lonely I suppose.

Since my post, I adopted a beautiful cat, she's been something words cannot express ❤️ I made her an Instagram so I can *try* to socialize, at least as a cat.. 

My docs been keeping an extra eye on me since this happened and has tried to aid in support, she very much encourages me to be more involved with grief support, any kind... sigh.. im trying...

After 9 months of loss... now it's spring.. 

I keep expecting to see him outside my window. It's really really sad... 

Thank you again Kay, for your support, hugs, & ❤️

[sweet n low]

On 1/15/2023 at 11:34 AM, LostThomas said:

Yes, it was the worst day of your life.  There are a lot of people here that can relate to that.  I can tell you that it was the worst day of my life and this loss will be a struggle that tests me every single day.  I am just beginning to emerge from a totally debilitating shock, barely hanging on at times as I struggle to stabilize into some sort of functioning existence that gives me a fighting chance in survival.  Please keep coming back here.  Make this place a life raft.  There are a lot of people here trying to carry burdens, find empathy, reassurance and guidance.   Some of these people are incredibly strong.  I look up to them in admiration, have grown to trust their honesty while recognizing their own fight for survival.   I won't let you fall through the cracks, for as long as it takes.  My own story is a complicated one...but today...know that you matter.

@LostThomas thank you Thomas.. that means so much. It truly does. It really was the worst days of our lives, why does it have to continue to rock us everyday? I feel like I'm functioning without my portal to home. I do see beautiful people here, such empathy and such heart... in my early 20s I suffered from severe isolation and fear, he tried to help me work on that so much. Now I must push on my own, and I'm so grateful to have found this site. Thank you dearly for your response.. You, your story, your journey, and all the complications matter too ❤️