it will ve 5 years on Jan 26 that I lost my brother

[Rosemarie1970]

It will be 5 years on Jan 26th that I have lost my brother.  It still feels like it was yesterday. Most days I can't get out of bed and the minute I open my eyes I start crying.  I think I'm still in the angry stage I should of been me that died. And i still believe that.  I've been suffering from major depression and severe anxiety since he passed away. I don't socialize anymore and I can't even work some days. And now the 26th of this month is coming up and I am having panic attacks thinking about that day. Life is not fair 

[Utterly Bereft]

I hope you made it through the day with a bit less pain than the prior years.

 

I'm sorry you lost your brother.

 

It is so unnatural that someone who was in your life for all/most of your life, is suddenly just gone.

[Damian]

One of my older brothers died some 4 years ago this November.  He would always remember my birthday with a card or a phone call.  I tried to remember his but I would always confuse it with my Dad's which was in April as was my brother(my Dad died when I was 11 and this brother filled in for him the rest of my adolescent and adult years).  My brother was like a surrogate father to me.   Since I am the youngest I felt like I had to pick up the pieces he left (selling the homestead and closing out other affairs of his because my last remaining siblings are elderly).  I didn't have time to mourn my big brother.  In some ways, I miss his presence in my life, but in other ways, I am angry at him for not taking better care of himself and living longer,  It seems strange that I am grieving his death now almost 4 years after his death.  Is allowing myself to grieve him a good thing even though it is long after his death?  I know the answer is yes but I need the reassurance.  Thank you for letting me share here.

[KayC]

I feel the same, only about my older sister, she was there all my life and with a mentally ill abusive mother and an alcoholic father, I felt very close to her even though she was 8 1/2 years older than me, we lived in the same town, she was disabled and had dementia, I was her caregiver.  She died two years & 2 1/2 months ago.

I am so sorry for your loss, I know what an extreme hole it left in your heart. I have no one to talk to anymore or who cares about my day, and my service dog loved seeing her and vice versa.  When the dementia wasn't full blown, she was so sweet and I knew it was the dementia, not her.  My mom, aunts and uncles all had it.

10 minutes ago, Damian said:

I am angry at him for not taking better care of himself and living longer

I know, I get it.  I'd make something healthy and tasty for Peggy and she'd push it to the back of the refrigerator and let it go bad and have her friend sneak her pastries and candy.  She was diabetic. I help run a diabetic group and control mine through diet and exercise, she had neither and would not even take her BS.  I once told her she was committing a slow suicide and she said I was right.  Her husband died 1 1/2 years before her but this started when she was retired at 49, she sat in her easy chair reading, on the phone, or watching tv ever since until she died two weeks shy of her 78th bdy...I'd tried interesting her in reading to the kids at school but no.

I am so sorry you are also going through this.

14 minutes ago, Damian said:

Is allowing myself to grieve him a good thing even though it is long after his death? 

Grief has a beginning, but not an ending, but it does change form.

I wrote this article ten years after my husband's death on Father's Day, that was 19 years ago.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.